Friday, October 31, 2014



Hi beasties,


Hello! Yes... I know I only last posted yesterday - but I couldn't let Halloween go uncelebrated!

I will be brief, however and just post a new-ish poem which is suitably scary. It's from my forthcoming collection, A YETI WAY OF THINKING, which is due out in early 2015 and its all about zombies...

Don't forget to come along to tonight's show... We'll be at The Poetry Café on Betterton Street, London from 19.30 until around 21.20! See you there if you can make it!

More soon!

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx


The gorgeous dead are coming
They are looking mighty fine!
Here they come across the fields –
They come in search of discount wine!
Bargain-hunters made of bones –
I trust they know what they are seeking...
Although deceased they know their stuff;
Despite their dribbling and leaking...
They're in their bestest bib and tucker;
They do stand out and they impress!
They're not much into conversation –
But hey they sure know how to dress!
If you are clumsy and they bite you –
Remember! The camera never ever lies!
You'll soon attract the TV news –
Not just a cloud of buzzy flies!

The gorgeous dead are coming!
They are looking rather swish!
All the others stink real bad –
Like offal, tripe or rotten fish.
But some undead prefer to use –
Some fancy foreign class cologne!
They will not hang out with a corpse –
Who'll drool and gurn or simply moan!
Folk should just compliment their look;
They ought to actually be proud;
Even those flies should dress up smart –
And no their buzz should not be loud.
When the dead hunt for your flesh –
Despite their age they still look swell!
Doused in the finest aftershave –
It does the job to hide the smell!

The gorgeous dead are coming!
They are looking kinda cool!
They buy their top hats from the best –
'Cos fashion sense is there best tool!
They stalk the streets, out on the hunt...
For some nice victims just to chew...
They won't get brains down their new clothes –
For there'll be trouble if they do!
They're not as scary as you think;
They are a tough hard-working bunch!
They only want a little friendship!
Before they take you out to lunch...
We forget they once were people –
They are the victims of neglect...
So let's pick up their fallen limbs –
And yes – also offer them respect!

 THE GORGEOUS DEAD is from Paul's next collection, A YETI WAY OF THINKING - due out later this year. This post and all content is Copyright Paul Chandler, 2014.

Tuesday, October 28, 2014



Hello beasties!!

This week I want to talk a little about the projects that I'm currently working on. I would also like to share a poem from my forthcoming collection, A YETI WAY OF THINKING... which is due out early in the new year.

So... Current projects... Well, there are rather a lot of them - I do a little work on each one every day, as I find this is the most interesting way of working. I know it sounds weird but I find I work better in short bursts... With my scripts I know what I have to write next as I've made detailed plans and I find that doing so in small sessions allows me to come fresh to the script - it works for me at any rate! You'd think that working on multiple projects at one time could be confusing - but I've never found it so - as I'm doing different things with different projects; some of it creative work - some of it re-writing and some of it commentary or formatting.



This is the third and penultimate season of my THE BEAST OF FRIENDS series. I'm at the stage where it's all written and I'm just doing checking and re-writes. I'm expecting to release this season early in the New Year.


Season 4 is also written and I've been tweaking and rewriting bits of it - mostly editing it down in length where the original first draft was a little rambling; however I don't expect to do very much more on it until Season 3 is published.


I'd toyed with one day writing a "movie" version of THE BEAST OF FRIENDS - but hadn't really thought about doing it quite so soon. In a way it's a good thing that this is now the case - whilst the characters are still fresh from having written seasons 3 and 4 during 2014... The trigger for me to begin work on the movie came about because I realised that I'd be in Venice for a week around the time of my birthday - with plenty of free-time to myself. I decided that a script inspired by 70s Italian giallo films would be something that I'd enjoy working on so I began to structure a plot. I'll be working on the bookending scenes of this and polish up the plots over the next few weeks and then hopefully by the time I get to Venice I will be ready to write the main story. The bookending scenes are set after the end of the series - where as the central element of the story is a "missing" adventure set somewhere towards the end of season 2.


This is the first of the two BEAST OF FRIENDS spinoff series. I'm currently working on Script 7 of 8 of this first season, which features one of the BEAST regulars alongside a whole cast of different characters. That's all I'm going to say for now; except for saying that I'm currently killing off various members of the cast!


This is the second of the two BEAST spinoffs and I am currently working on Script 5 of 8 of this first season which sees the return of a number of the BEAST regulars. There's a lot going on - including ghosties, reincarnation and vampire cows... Exciting, aye!?


This is my next collection of poems and stories - containing material written between Autumn 2012 and Summer 2014. I am currently working on formatting and writing the "behind the scenes" section of this book and I'm hoping that it will be available by Spring 2015.


I am currently working on the 10th anniversary edition of my 8th collection, POETIQUETTE. I am adding photos, checking the text and updating the fact-files and commentary on this collection. This is the second of two books that I originally released in 2005, although the first of these - MUGSHOTS - was re-issued last month, a month or two early. It is the last of the original 8 reissues that I was keen to release which had never been available as stand-alone collections on It is possible that some of the later books will receive anniversary editions when their time comes - but not until, at least, 2016.


This project is pretty much just a twinkle in my eye at the moment. I have for sometime considered expanding my SHY YETI GOES WILD mini-collection from 2012, by adding more pre-existing animal poems to the mix. Having visited Antwerp Zoo on Saturday 18th October 2014 I came up with about a dozen titles for new animal poems which got me thinking again about this project again - keen to write some new pieces to go into the rejuvenated edition of this book. Having finished writing new material for A YETI WAY OF THINKING I currently have no new complete poems put aside for a follow-up collection - so this might be a fun project to consider for 2015. Let's see if any finished poems emerge from that list of titles!


This is a new Mouse Of Commons project that has been in the pipe-line for a while. It contains three short stories - a novella - a two part adventure and an extended short story that were all written between 2006 and 2008, but which needed typing and putting into a book. It's a pretty exciting collection - with one of the stories taking place in Venice and another in Amsterdam - two cities that I have revisited during my holidays in 2014. I may be able to work some of the more recent photos in amongst the photos that I took back in the day. If all goes well then this will be available by late Summer 2015 - in time for the 15th anniversary of the Mouse Of Commons.


This is the follow up to my last Mouse Of Commons novel GLADSTONE MCWHISKERS AND THE COUNTERCLOCKWISE CONUNDRUM... I've been working on it in slow time since that project was released a number of years ago and am currently about half way through completing it. That said I don't expect it to be completed until at least 2016.


I've also been working on covers for some of these projects - most notably A YETI WAY OF THINKING (see above), but also for POETIQUETTE.

The piece at the end of this post was written in Amsterdam during this summer - which may or may not have influenced the title and subject matter! It's called SPACE-CAKES and I hope you enjoy it; it was one of the last poems written for A YETI WAY OF THINKING...

Let me remind you that we have a Halloween show coming up tomorrow - Friday, 31st October 2014 at The Poetry Café. It's the last of my shows for the year and should be a fun one. I'll be performing all my most monstrously daft and evil poems on the night, with John Smallshaw as my special guest. The show runs from about 19.30 until 21.30 with a break for refreshment somewhere along the way. There should be time for a few open-mike slots - so just come along if can - and pay whatever you can afford!

Next time we'll be looking at how things worked out on the night!

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx

PS... And yes, that is me on the right in the photo below - also the photo at the very end of the post! One of my friends has been raiding their photo albums from the past...


My space-cakes are from space...
They're carved from finest asteroid -
But from the softer chewy kind -
The type that Royalty might avoid...
You see they're full of tiny pips -
Which queens get stuck inside their throats -
They also irritate the bleats -
Of baby sheep and nanny goats...
You need to take a little care -
If you've not tasted them before...
It's best to sample just a pinch -
And I'd advise to eat them raw...
It's best to swallow them down whole -
And I'd suggest you wear a hat...
Because fresh space-cakes can be strong!
Best drunk with champagne when it's flat.

My space-cakes are from space -
They're made from little bits of rock...
That have been cooked inside a shoe -
With some old tissues and a sock...
Some folk will very likely frown -
But then perhaps they've got to learn...
That if you hate some flavours, then -
There is no need to cry nor gurn!
Why not just try a little more -
Maybe you'll win your taste-buds round...
The texture is a little strange -
But it's not soil from off the ground...
No, it's a magic kind of dust...
That comes from many miles away!
Ah, space-cakes are a special treat -
When served upon a silver tray...

My space-cakes are from space...

That jet black void so very vast;
If you do not secure a piece -
I fear my stocks ain't gonna last...
I am prepared to do a deal -
But I will not present it twice...
If you will give me forty winks -
Then I will offer you half price...
A dainty sliver of our prize...
Well, it is really very rich -
And over-dosing on the goods...
Can often leave you with a twitch...
An eerie odd after-effect that -
Leads to piles and pools of sick...
Though space cake's really very rare!
You might as well just eat a brick...

SPACE-CAKES appears in the forthcoming collection, A YETI WAY OF THINKING which is due to be published on in Spring 2015. All content of this post is copyright Paul Chandler 2014