Wednesday, November 16, 2016

THIS WEEK!! A NEW SHY YETI SCRIPT!!

SHY YETI UNDER WRAPS!!


Hello beasties!

This week we have another Shy Yeti sketch for you - so expect this post to be super daft - more so than usual, even...

Before we get to that though...

THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - 33: HEY! HEY! IT'S HAUNTCUB!!


Here we are for episode THIRTY THREE!! This time we speak to friend of the podcast (and friend to yeti in general) Jay The Hauntcub! This isn't the first time we've spoken to Jay - as he appeared in our Halloween episode, but it's the first time that we've had the chance to natter about other matters. This episode also features some comments from our regulars team. Our next episode, number 34 - is (hopefully) another of our experiments in LIVE broadcasting! (That's if it records, of course!!) Please email me at shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk if you have any comments - you can even send me a sound-file and I'll include it on the show. The music is by Shy Yeti and Luca. This episode and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2016. Episode 33 was recorded between the 8th and the 13th October 2016.

This episode can be downloaded on iTunes, Acast, Podbean and also from Soundcloud at the following link:

33: https://soundcloud.com/shyyeti/the-shy-life-podcast-33-hauntcub-in-the-house

Next time we'll probably be discussing my recent trip to Venice...

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx

P.S. The first draft of this script was written between 12th September and 10th October 2016 and then worked on up until the time of posting ... The original idea for this script was devised in mid June 2016.

SHY YETI GETS ALL WRAPPED UP!!


SETTING: This time we join Mr Yeti at the local walk-in-centre where Shy is waiting to be called in for a routine appointment... He is calm - his presence in the centre is nothing for him to be concerned about and so he is simply playing with his phone. As he waits he looks up for it and attempts to make conversation with a couple of other patients who are waiting for their appointments, but nobody really seems to want to connects and so he returns to his phone and begins to record himself for his latest podcast episode.

SHY: (doing his best radio voice)

Hello listeners! It's me - Shy Yeti... I'm in the health centre... I had an accident... It was stupid of me... You see I had an itchy ear and.. well, I was really kind of sleepy and I wasn't thinking straight and I just reached out and I tried to scratch it with the first thing that came to hand - which just happened to be a candle! Let's just say that because of the heat - the candle was soft and... Well... When people say they've got ear wax they don't mean that their ear accidentally swallowed a scented candle; but in my case - well, that's exactly what happened! My Great Auntie Lizzie used to say that yeti's ears can really get them into trouble sometimes - it's because they're furry and resent being hidden from the sun... Who knows, aye!? It wouldn't surprise me if I'm being completely honest with you... So.. Anyway! I'm here I am at the Doctor's Surgery about to have my ear syringed - and you know what I may well ask them to do both as I have a nasty feeling that I've an piece of melted chocolate wedged in the other ear that I placed in there some years ago, in the hope that it might help me to attract a potential beau! I say years - we're talking 2003, here... Still! There's no need to be judgemental...

SHY IS ABOUT TO SAY SOME MORE WHEN A NURSE EMERGES FROM A GLOOMY OFFICE TO CALL OUT FOR THE NEXT PATIENT; THIS TIME IT IS SHY THAT SHE REQUIRES...

NURSE: (earnestly)

SHY YETI?!

SHY: (surprised)

Oooh! Yes... That's me... I'm surprised I could hear you - I've got some hearing troubles at the moment... Maybe I'm not as bad as I thought...

NURSE: (dispassionately)

That's for the doctor to make a judgement on...

SHY: (nervously)

Ah... Right! Sure... Very good, thank you...

NURSE: (hurrying him on)

Hurry on... Hurry on... Dr Feather is waiting for you... He's a very busy man...

SHY: (nodding, hurrying over)

Certainly...

SHY ENTERS THE OFFICE - THERE IS A PENGUIN DOCTOR THERE - WHO HAS TO STAND ON A HIGH LADDER TO EXAMINE SHY - HE HAS A VERY SERIOUS EXPRESSION ON HIS FACE AND JUST TUTS AND CLUCKS TO HIMSELF FOR A WHILE...

(overly-jovial) Hello doctor... I'm here for my ears...

DR FEATHERS: (sharply)

Quiet please... I'm examining you...

SHY: (trying to be helpful)

Sorry... Sorry... I wasn't sure if it was on my notes or not... It's my ears, you see... I think they need to be syringed...

DR F: (snootily)

I think I should be the one to decide that now, don't you?

SHY: (apologetically)

Ah yes! Yes... Of course, sir... Apologies... I don't wish to tell you your own job...

DR F: (increasingly rude)

Then don't... (Shy pulls a face but remains silent) You're quite tubby, aren't you?

SHY: (proudly, ignoring the rudeness)

Oh, well yes! That's a yeti thing - yeti aren't meant to be skinny! I've always had rugby player thighs!

DR F: (not listening)

I'd almost go as far as to say you were fat - morbidly obese even...

SHY: (snapping back, but with a polite smile)

And your feathers are looking a little faded...

DR F: (sounding hurt)

There's no need to be personal... I'm only doing my job...

SHY: (through gritted teeth)

How convenient that your job is to make personal remarks about people then...

DR F: (sounding in quite a huff)

I'm so sorry... Would you rather I simply told you that you're slim and beautiful with fresh breath and a winning smile...

SHY: (throwing out his very best grin)

Well, other than not being slim the rest of that is actually true...

DR F: (mutters as he writes in his notes, presumably speaking what he is writing)

The patient is clearly in denial...

SHY: (suspiciously)

What's that you're writing?

DR F: (dismissively)

Just my notes... It's nothing that need worry you...

SHY: (shocked and outraged)

Well, if it's about me it does bother me... What's that word there? Does that say fantasist? My goodness, your handwriting is atrocious! I may be fat and over-forty - but goodness me - at least my handwriting is legible...

DR FEATHERS SETS ASIDE HIS NOTES AND GIVES SHY A VERY LONG AND VERY HARD STARE...

DR F: (firmly)

There's nothing wrong with you that a good washing out of your mouth wouldn't cure...

SHY:

I beg your pardon!?!

DR F:

You heard me... All done... If you'll just wait here for a minute or two then my assistant will arrive to administer your treatment...

SHY: (almost speechless)

Oh... Right... So, that's it, is it? Gosh...

DR F: (trying to regain his politeness)

Thank you, Mr Yeti... Goodbye now... Do take care...

SHY: (quickly attempting to interrupt) 

Okay... Well, thank you... Before you go - I'd just like to say...

BUT DR FEATHERS HAS HOPPED DOWN OFF THE COUNTER AND HAS WADDLED OFF INTO ANOTHER ROOM... SHY ISN'T LOOKING AT ALL HAPPY - HE IS FED UP AT HAVING TO WAIT AND SO HE TAKES OUT HIS PHONE AGAIN AND BEGINS TO RECORD SOMETHING FOR THE LATEST EPISODE OF HIS PODCAST...

(speaking into the phone) Well, listeners... You won't believe how rude this doctor was - he was really snooty - one of those people who thinks he can say whatever he likes and not have any come-back... I mean, sure - he's the doctor - you're not meant to retaliate when your doctor says you're over-weight but I thought he needed to hear some truths... His wings were looking drab! They were! Call me a liar, I don't care - but I was only being honest!

SHY LOOKS LIKE HE IS ABOUT TO SAY SOMETHING MORE WHEN A BUSY LOOKING NURSE ENTERS THE ROOM - SHE WEARS A MASK AND USHERS HIM TO THE COUCH...

SHY: (slightly indignant)

I don't think you'll need the mask, Sister... I don't have any germs...

NURSE: (hardly listening)

Okay sir...

SHY: (chattering on)

So will you be syringing my ears? (the nurse mutters something but he misses it) I'm sorry, what was that?

NURSE: (firmly)

If you just lie down and relax we'll get on...

SHY: (teasing)

Ah... Okay... Right... Might I have a quick 40 winks?

NURSE: (missing the joke)

Whatever you like, sir... One of my colleagues will be joining me to assist in a moment... Ah... Here they are!

THE NURSE INDICATES ANOTHER FIGURE WHO HAS ARRIVED, SHY JUST NODS AND THEN LIES BACK AND CLOSES HIS EYES... TIME PASSES... SHY YETI OPENS HIS EYES AGAIN AND IS SHOCKED TO SEE THAT EVERYTHING AROUND HIM HAS CHANGED... THE WHOLE ROOM SEEMS TO BE CAKED IN BANDAGES AND HE QUICKLY REALISES THAT HE TOO IS ALSO WRAPPED UP FROM TOP TO TOE LIKE SOME KIND OF YETI-FIED MUMMY...

SHY: (distressed/urgently)

HELLO!?! HELLO... CAN ANYBODY HEAR ME!? HELLO!?

SHY DOESN'T HAVE TO WAIT TOO LONG FOR A REPLY - FOR SUDDENLY HE IS CONFRONTED BY ONE OF THE NURSES - NOT THE ONE THAT HE SPOKE TO EARLIER, BUT HER ASSISTANT... AN ASSISTANT WHO SUDDENLY LOOKS RATHER FAMILIAR TO SHY...

ASSISTANT: (nervously, but pleased to see him)

Hello Yeti...

SHY: (surprised)

Oh hello... OH! OH... IT'S YOU!! TOPPIE! TOPPIE SMELLIE! WELL, GOODNESS ME! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

TOPPIE: (lowering his voice)

Trying to get to speak to you!

SHY: (lowering his voice too)

Really!? I was worried about you? Why didn't you come to my house?

TOPPIE: (unhappily thinking back)

What - that time when Tolstoy dressed as a vampire cow?

SHY: (sounding a little hurt)

Well... Yes... Then too... But I meant generally... Why didn't you come to my house? It's been days now...

TOPPIE: (with regret)

I've had so much trouble lately... I don't dare go to your house... It's probably being watched...

SHY: (vague/bemused)

I don't think so... Well, maybe it is and I've just not noticed... Anyway! So dressing as a nurse is a way of disguising yourself?

TOPPIE: (keen to show that he has tried to communicate)

That's right... I had hoped to get to speak to you at your poetry show...

SHY: (shocked again)

MY POETRY SHOW!? You were there!? You're kidding!

TOPPIE: (sympathetic)

No... Not at all... I was there - not that it really ever got started, did it?

SHY: (finding the whole business quite amusing)

Well, no... So you were there - what, in disguise? (Toppie nods) As what? A limerick?

TOPPIE: (knowing he's being teased)

No, stupid... I was in the audience...

SHY: (open-mouthed)

You were? But they were all...

TOPPIE: (openly grinning)

Super Models... Yes...

SHY: (fascinated)

Well, I never!! This is quite a revelation... (Shy Yeti tries to sit up and then realises that he cannot) Toppie! What have you done to me? I was only supposed to be in here to have my ears syringed...

TOPPIE: (apologetic)

Ah yes... Sorry about that... It's not ENTIRELY my mistake...

SHY: (raising an eyebrow)

Really? Go on...

TOPPIE: (reluctant, but eager to show it was nothing personal)

Well, the files DID get slightly muddled up and I WAS told to bandage your head...

SHY: (patient, but slightly frustrated)

Well, that does seem slight over-kill... Only - you haven't just bandaged my head, have you? You've bandaged all of me, all of you and everything in the room...

TOPPIE: (grinning)

I must say you are quite an observant yeti...

SHY: (hopeful)

Thank you... So... Any clue as to how this happened?

TOPPIE: (bashfully)

I lost control of the machine...

SHY: (surprised)

You have a bandaging MACHINE!?!

TOPPIE: (warming to the subject)

Well, not me personally - but the clinic here does... I've only been here a couple of days and...

SHY: (interrupted)

You've not mastered it yet...

TOPPIE: (in embarrassed agreement)

That's for sure!

SHY: (lowering voice)

But Toppie - I don't understand... Why are you wasting your time working here?

TOPPIE: (proudly)

I'm not wasting my time - I'm helping people... I mean I realise that in your case strictly speaking this hasn't really helped, at all...

SHY: (supportively, with concern)

Well, whatever - I really didn't mean that! I mean why aren't we working towards getting you home - why are you still letting that cat persecute you...

TOPPIE: (dismissive)

I'm not... It's fine... All sorted...

SHY: (encouraging, sympathetic, persistent) 

Toppie! I don't believe a word of it... Come on! Let me help you!!

TOPPIE: (sounding a little sad)

Well, yes... Obviously I'd like to go home at some point...

SHY: (not meaning to scare him, but accidentally doing so)

If, as you say, there's nothing to worry about then simply come and stay at mine - why not enjoy your holiday; I mean are you even meant to be working!? I mean... legally...

TOPPIE: (becoming quite agitated)

Shh now... Shh... Please don't cause a fuss, yeti... I'm probably not meant to be working - but I do need to eat! I tried the Cat Psychic thing for a while and then I got involved with looking after those vampire cows...

SHY: (nodding, unhappy at the memory)

Well yes, I remember that, for sure...

TOPPIE: (sounding even more disillusioned)

Then I did a little modelling and most recently I'd been trying to set up a website to sell bobble-hats to moths - but that just wasn't taking off...

SHY: (confused)

What the business or...?

TOPPIE: (trying to remain brave about it)

The moths... I feel quite guilty about it - the hats were simply too heavy for them...

SHY: (shocked)

BOBBLE-HATS FOR MOTHS!? I've never heard of such a thing...

TOPPIE: (burbling away)

Oh yes... There's a big market for it - or so I'm told. Only the ones that I was palmed off with were the bigger sizes - I was told they were for plus-size moths, but I suspect they are more bobble-hats for birds or mice... They weighed a ton! Not literally, but... Well, let's just say it resulted in a few moth fatalities - so I had to close down the whole operation...

SHY: (horrified)

Incredible... I'm really sorry to hear that... Look, I really didn't mean to cause a commotion - I just want to help and for you to be honest about the situation and to accept that you need my help... I mean, you do don't you?

TOPPIE NODS SLOWLY AND IS ABOUT TO SAY SOMETHING WHEN SUDDENLY THERE COMES THE SOUND OF WHAT MAY BE SOME KIND OF BUZZER GOING OFF CLOSE BY...

(confused) What IS that? Is it an alarm?

TOPPIE: (nervously)

Shhhh... I know what THAT is...

SHY: (antsy)

Hey! Don't shhh me, Toppie... I'm the librarian - former librarian - whatever... Anyway, only librarians are allowed to shhh...

TOPPIE: (dropping his voice real low)

Sorry! Sorry! I should have thought - but this is serious... That's not a buzzer... It's a PURR!!!

SHY: (shocked, going pale)

It's a WHAT!?

TOPPIE: (speaking louder than he intended)

A PURR!!

SHY: (dropping the tone of his voice again)

Oh! Good grief!! Do you mean!? (Toppie nods) Crikey... Here!? Now!? In this room!?

TOPPIE: (urgently)

Yes, Shy... Tolstoy is here... Quick... You've got to leave...

SHY: (confused, disapproving)

What do you mean, I have to? I thought Hauntcub had got all this under control...

TOPPIE: (equally as confused)

Hauntcub? What do you mean?

SHY: (with urgency)

Well, somebody told me that... Oh, never mind... We both have to get out of here - more importantly you! This can't go on!

TOPPIE: (persistent)

Well, you're in as much danger as I am...

SHY: (panicking)

We can discuss that later... Just a minute... I can't move... Get these bandages off of me! Cut me out of them! Quickly!

TOPPIE: (also panicking)

Oh! But I can't get to the scissors - they're...

SHY: (unhappily)

Under the bandages! Oh boy! Come on... I'll just have to hop... Give me a hand...

TOPPIE HELPS SHY HOPS ACROSS THE ROOM - HE NOW SEES WHERE THE PURRING IS COMING FROM - A SMALL BANDAGED CAT LIKE SHAPE WHICH STANDS UPRIGHT UPON AN EXAMINATION DESK - SUDDENLY IT BEGINS TO MEW...

TOPPIE: (bordering on hysterics)

Oh no! He's sniffed us out... We're in big trouble now...

SHY: (teetering over the balance into hysteria)

HURRY! HURRY!

TOPPIE: (heroically)

SAVE YOURSELF, YETI!! I'LL HOLD HIM OFF...

SHY: (his voice returning to normal, quite casual again)

Toppie! He's a cat... Entrapped within a plastercast!!! He's not really that much of an immediate danger thanks to your frantic bandaging! Come on... Let's both get out of here...

TOPPIE: (uncertain)

And go where? We can't go back to your flat...

SHY: (sounding more confident)

Don't worry about it... I'll think of something...

WE SEE THE EXAMINATION ROOM STILL COATED IN BANDAGES - AND TOLSTOY - STILL ENCASED - HOPPING HIS WAY SLOWLY IN PURSUIT OF SHY AND TOPPIE... THEY ARE AHEAD, DESPITE SHY STILL BEING ALL WRAPPED UP - BUT WHERE WILL THE TWO FRIENDS GO? CAN SHY GET TOPPIE SAFELY HOME!? CAN TOPPIE GET SHY SAFELY HOME!? OH MY...

TO BE CONTINUED...

This post and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler 2016.

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