Friday, July 29, 2016

LOOK WHAT I JUST FOUND IN AN OLD NOTE-BOOK...


A LOST STORY FROM "A YETI WAY OF THINKING..."


Hello beasties!

This week I have a short story for you that I recently found in a note-pad from 2013, which included a few incomplete poems and the first draft of a short story called EAT TO THE BEAT. Had I remembered that the story was in there then I would definitely have typed it up and included it in my most recent collection, A YETI WAY OF THINKING because it includes all the main short pieces that I wrote between late 2012 and the end of 2014.

Before we go any further... There is no new episode of THE SHY LIFE PODCAST to announce this time - as two episodes came out in quickly succession. Episode 10 is well on its way to being completed, but it will depend on what internet availability I have next week whilst I'm away in the country! At worst there will be something new for you by Saturday 6th August, but it may be sooner!

I've been recording a lot of interviews recently - some of them are people you may not have heard of - but who have interesting stories to tell or have some cool things to say about subjects that we like to discuss. One of my better known guests is podcaster supreme, Toppie Smellie - whose show, THE SMELLCAST I appeared on quite recently. I'm glad to say that on Saturday 23rd July 2016 we were able to record a conversation for THE SHY LIFE PODCAST which will probably make up two shows (potentially episodes 15 and 16) We also recorded for another very important 2016 episode - but I won't even mention that at the moment! I'm feeling very happy to have secured and safely recorded this chat - and it's a lovely feeling to know that I have so many interviews squirreled away for future episodes.

Talking of which - I want to share with you a couple more photos... These are from a recent appearance I made on Radio Wey - this was also on Saturday 23rd July 2016 - it really was a fun and busy day for me... I was able to read five pieces from A YETI WAY OF THINKING on my friend, Tim Mitchell's, radio show between 6-7pm that day. My last appearance on the show was around the summer of 2012 - so it's good to be back! Where have those 4 years gone!?

I have one or two more photos to share with you - but I'm going to keep those for when I release that particular episode of the podcast.

What are these next photos, you may ask? Who is this young gentleman there with Mr Yeti? Well, that is Paul H - and these photos were taken back in May on the day that we recorded that interview for episode one of THE SHY LIFE PODCAST... Little did I realise on that day quite how the show would take off - and how much time I would end up spending on it - although I am very glad I have!

Whilst I'm thinking about it I really ought to share with you, one last time, the details for that recent book.


A YETI WAY OF THINKING contains over 80 new poems, stories and vignettes by Paul Chandler, a.k.a. Shy Yeti, written between Autumn 2012 and Summer 2014. They include: ARE THEY AWARE I’M A WEREWOLF?, GIN GOBLINS, INFAMY AND CURRANT BUNS, I USED TO BE A TEN, MYSTERY HEN, ONION MAN, PICCADILLY IS A RUBBISH CIRCUS, TWO VAMPIRE HUNTING YETI, YOU’LL DO and many more…

Pbk: http://www.lulu.com/content/paperback-book/a-yeti-way-of-thinking/18213326 £8.99

Hbk: http://www.lulu.com/content/hardcover-book/a-yeti-way-of-thinking/18214369 £14.99

This particular story was written during a solo trip to the Rules restaurant in Covent Garden in December 2013 - it was complete, but I did tweak and re-write bits of it when I typed it up. It is one of two stories that I wrote during trips to Rules - the previous one being a year or two before - they probably thought that I was writing a restaurant review!


This is my poetry book from 2009 and yes, it's where the podcast got its name!! I thought "the high life" pin still worked and so, I re-used it!

That's really about it for now... Next time I should have some photos from my time in Kent and depending on what I get up to down there I may have a short prose piece too - news on a podcast or perhaps another Shy Yeti sketch!

Enjoy the story - some of you might recognise that it was named after an album by the fabulous band, Blondie!

More soon!

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx

P.S. The original draft was written on the 2nd December 2013 and I returned to it in May 2016, giving it one last re-write during July 2016 just before it was posted. It would be very tempting to add this to a later edition of A YETI WAY OF THINKING, but that would probably be cheating - so instead I intend to include it with all the blog pieces when I publish a new compilation of all that I have posted on www.shyyeti.com between 2016 and 2016; this will probably be in early 2017. Miss Holly only got her name at this stage of the writing process. I'm glad to have been able to save her from being lost in the pages of an old notebook...

EAT TO THE BEAT...


There was no doubting that Miss Holly had an appetite, for one so small - so old - so thin for that matter. She'd been coming to The Establishment for many a year now - about once a month to be precise; it was her little treat she always told the doorman as she arrived.

Miss Holly always seemed to dress the same way, wearing layers of coats no matter the weather - always carrying the same duffle bag with her which often seemed to strain at the seams.

One might have mistaken her for a homeless person if one had seen her out on the streets; but close up it was clear to see that she was a woman of wealth - her clothes might have appeared slightly bohemian but this was merely their style - they were actually very expensively made.

Money was clearly no object and she always paid her bills with a generous tip - and what was more she was always remembered for another reason - for her large appetite which seemed quite enormous considering her petite size...

It was incredible really - most usually she would order three of each course, a trio of starters, followed by three main meals and the same again with the dessert; it wasn't unheard of for her to even tackle a cheeseboard right at the end of the meal.

Marco, the Maitre'd, who always seemed to be on duty whenever she visited, had been keeping a tally of all that she had ordered...

So far the list included Game Soup, potted shrimp and seared fillet of hare - with wild rabbit hotpot to follow - steak and kidney pudding to follow that and then roast belly of pork to conclude the second course... All these dishes were, naturally, served with their own side-dishes of potatoes, buttered greens or salad.

Now, as Marco observed, Miss Holly was calmly regarding the dessert menu - having polished off everything she had been served up until now...

Except...

Well, Marco had been watching even more carefully on this occasion and whilst all the other staff, were happy to turn a blind-eye whilst their customers ate, Marco had an additional nosey streak and found it hard to ignore what he saw and on this occasion he had clearly seen exactly what had been going on at Miss Holly's table...

The lady hadn't actually eaten a thing - not even a lettuce leaf - no, she had simply opened up her duffle bag and deposited each course straight into her container with one swift flick of her knife.

Now, although it was possible that the woman was taking home some kind of doggy bag, Marco rather doubted it - the food was good but wouldn't stand up to being shaken around in one jumbled mess inside that bag; not unless she had compartments in there... In actual fact, Marco was pretty certain that there must be some manner of animal in the bag - a dog perhaps - a very greedy dog at that.

As Miss Holly finally came to a decision on her desserts, Marco vowed to watch even closer...

This time she ordered sticky toffee pudding, trifle and a cheese plate. As her order reached her Marco stood behind the curtain that overlooked her seat and watched as Miss Holly surreptitiously scooped the food that she had just ordered into the bag. He'd been right too - something inside it was scoffing its way through each course - and pretty enthusiastic it appeared to be too.

At first Marco thought that the creature might be a cat - but then reasoned that it was more likely some kind of small dog; he was determined to get a look inside. Having fed her pet the final course Miss Holly seemed distracted - querying the amount on her bill; which he himself had deliberately generated incorrectly.

It gave Marco the chance, as she spoke with the manager, to duck down under the table in pretence of looking for... whatever. Quickly he reacted, the bag was there under the table and lay as if empty. How odd considering it contained some beast or other and the remains of its dinner; unless the thing had escaped from it... Now that would lead to trouble, he reasoned.

Marco reached out for the bag, opened it wide - wincing in fear of something leaping out at him.

He was right to be concerned - but he was wrong about it being a dog - in fact he was even wrong about the thing being a bag, for that matter.

Open wide he quickly saw the teeth that lined the bag - there were eyes in there too somewhere - but it was the tongue that he saw first; hungrily flicking out at him. The tongue was as sharp as a knife and carved itself off a neat chunk of Marco - just for starters; so quick that it cut the cry from his throat.

Nobody noticed that Marco was gone, at least not until the lady was well on her way. All that was left was his shoes with his feet still inside. Not to the creature's taste most evidently.

There was no way that anyone in the restaurant missed the beastie burping but they all acted as if they'd not heard.

"What a lovely treat..." Miss Holly commented with a smile as she tipped the door man who had already hailed her a taxi.

A lovely treat for the lady and her bag most probably, but certainly not for Marco.

They say that curiosity kills that cat - well, it clearly kills waiters too! His demise really wasn't the tip that he had expected and deserved - that poor man...

I guess it depends on how often Miss Holly takes her bag out with her to dinner; but how many people can say that their waiter has given them both good service and also been enjoyed as an after dinner snack...

Perhaps only Marco...

This piece and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2016.

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