Friday, July 29, 2016

LOOK WHAT I JUST FOUND IN AN OLD NOTE-BOOK...


A LOST STORY FROM "A YETI WAY OF THINKING..."


Hello beasties!

This week I have a short story for you that I recently found in a note-pad from 2013, which included a few incomplete poems and the first draft of a short story called EAT TO THE BEAT. Had I remembered that the story was in there then I would definitely have typed it up and included it in my most recent collection, A YETI WAY OF THINKING because it includes all the main short pieces that I wrote between late 2012 and the end of 2014.

Before we go any further... There is no new episode of THE SHY LIFE PODCAST to announce this time - as two episodes came out in quickly succession. Episode 10 is well on its way to being completed, but it will depend on what internet availability I have next week whilst I'm away in the country! At worst there will be something new for you by Saturday 6th August, but it may be sooner!

I've been recording a lot of interviews recently - some of them are people you may not have heard of - but who have interesting stories to tell or have some cool things to say about subjects that we like to discuss. One of my better known guests is podcaster supreme, Toppie Smellie - whose show, THE SMELLCAST I appeared on quite recently. I'm glad to say that on Saturday 23rd July 2016 we were able to record a conversation for THE SHY LIFE PODCAST which will probably make up two shows (potentially episodes 15 and 16) We also recorded for another very important 2016 episode - but I won't even mention that at the moment! I'm feeling very happy to have secured and safely recorded this chat - and it's a lovely feeling to know that I have so many interviews squirreled away for future episodes.

Talking of which - I want to share with you a couple more photos... These are from a recent appearance I made on Radio Wey - this was also on Saturday 23rd July 2016 - it really was a fun and busy day for me... I was able to read five pieces from A YETI WAY OF THINKING on my friend, Tim Mitchell's, radio show between 6-7pm that day. My last appearance on the show was around the summer of 2012 - so it's good to be back! Where have those 4 years gone!?

I have one or two more photos to share with you - but I'm going to keep those for when I release that particular episode of the podcast.

What are these next photos, you may ask? Who is this young gentleman there with Mr Yeti? Well, that is Paul H - and these photos were taken back in May on the day that we recorded that interview for episode one of THE SHY LIFE PODCAST... Little did I realise on that day quite how the show would take off - and how much time I would end up spending on it - although I am very glad I have!

Whilst I'm thinking about it I really ought to share with you, one last time, the details for that recent book.


A YETI WAY OF THINKING contains over 80 new poems, stories and vignettes by Paul Chandler, a.k.a. Shy Yeti, written between Autumn 2012 and Summer 2014. They include: ARE THEY AWARE I’M A WEREWOLF?, GIN GOBLINS, INFAMY AND CURRANT BUNS, I USED TO BE A TEN, MYSTERY HEN, ONION MAN, PICCADILLY IS A RUBBISH CIRCUS, TWO VAMPIRE HUNTING YETI, YOU’LL DO and many more…

Pbk: http://www.lulu.com/content/paperback-book/a-yeti-way-of-thinking/18213326 £8.99

Hbk: http://www.lulu.com/content/hardcover-book/a-yeti-way-of-thinking/18214369 £14.99

This particular story was written during a solo trip to the Rules restaurant in Covent Garden in December 2013 - it was complete, but I did tweak and re-write bits of it when I typed it up. It is one of two stories that I wrote during trips to Rules - the previous one being a year or two before - they probably thought that I was writing a restaurant review!


This is my poetry book from 2009 and yes, it's where the podcast got its name!! I thought "the high life" pin still worked and so, I re-used it!

That's really about it for now... Next time I should have some photos from my time in Kent and depending on what I get up to down there I may have a short prose piece too - news on a podcast or perhaps another Shy Yeti sketch!

Enjoy the story - some of you might recognise that it was named after an album by the fabulous band, Blondie!

More soon!

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx

P.S. The original draft was written on the 2nd December 2013 and I returned to it in May 2016, giving it one last re-write during July 2016 just before it was posted. It would be very tempting to add this to a later edition of A YETI WAY OF THINKING, but that would probably be cheating - so instead I intend to include it with all the blog pieces when I publish a new compilation of all that I have posted on www.shyyeti.com between 2016 and 2016; this will probably be in early 2017. Miss Holly only got her name at this stage of the writing process. I'm glad to have been able to save her from being lost in the pages of an old notebook...

EAT TO THE BEAT...


There was no doubting that Miss Holly had an appetite, for one so small - so old - so thin for that matter. She'd been coming to The Establishment for many a year now - about once a month to be precise; it was her little treat she always told the doorman as she arrived.

Miss Holly always seemed to dress the same way, wearing layers of coats no matter the weather - always carrying the same duffle bag with her which often seemed to strain at the seams.

One might have mistaken her for a homeless person if one had seen her out on the streets; but close up it was clear to see that she was a woman of wealth - her clothes might have appeared slightly bohemian but this was merely their style - they were actually very expensively made.

Money was clearly no object and she always paid her bills with a generous tip - and what was more she was always remembered for another reason - for her large appetite which seemed quite enormous considering her petite size...

It was incredible really - most usually she would order three of each course, a trio of starters, followed by three main meals and the same again with the dessert; it wasn't unheard of for her to even tackle a cheeseboard right at the end of the meal.

Marco, the Maitre'd, who always seemed to be on duty whenever she visited, had been keeping a tally of all that she had ordered...

So far the list included Game Soup, potted shrimp and seared fillet of hare - with wild rabbit hotpot to follow - steak and kidney pudding to follow that and then roast belly of pork to conclude the second course... All these dishes were, naturally, served with their own side-dishes of potatoes, buttered greens or salad.

Now, as Marco observed, Miss Holly was calmly regarding the dessert menu - having polished off everything she had been served up until now...

Except...

Well, Marco had been watching even more carefully on this occasion and whilst all the other staff, were happy to turn a blind-eye whilst their customers ate, Marco had an additional nosey streak and found it hard to ignore what he saw and on this occasion he had clearly seen exactly what had been going on at Miss Holly's table...

The lady hadn't actually eaten a thing - not even a lettuce leaf - no, she had simply opened up her duffle bag and deposited each course straight into her container with one swift flick of her knife.

Now, although it was possible that the woman was taking home some kind of doggy bag, Marco rather doubted it - the food was good but wouldn't stand up to being shaken around in one jumbled mess inside that bag; not unless she had compartments in there... In actual fact, Marco was pretty certain that there must be some manner of animal in the bag - a dog perhaps - a very greedy dog at that.

As Miss Holly finally came to a decision on her desserts, Marco vowed to watch even closer...

This time she ordered sticky toffee pudding, trifle and a cheese plate. As her order reached her Marco stood behind the curtain that overlooked her seat and watched as Miss Holly surreptitiously scooped the food that she had just ordered into the bag. He'd been right too - something inside it was scoffing its way through each course - and pretty enthusiastic it appeared to be too.

At first Marco thought that the creature might be a cat - but then reasoned that it was more likely some kind of small dog; he was determined to get a look inside. Having fed her pet the final course Miss Holly seemed distracted - querying the amount on her bill; which he himself had deliberately generated incorrectly.

It gave Marco the chance, as she spoke with the manager, to duck down under the table in pretence of looking for... whatever. Quickly he reacted, the bag was there under the table and lay as if empty. How odd considering it contained some beast or other and the remains of its dinner; unless the thing had escaped from it... Now that would lead to trouble, he reasoned.

Marco reached out for the bag, opened it wide - wincing in fear of something leaping out at him.

He was right to be concerned - but he was wrong about it being a dog - in fact he was even wrong about the thing being a bag, for that matter.

Open wide he quickly saw the teeth that lined the bag - there were eyes in there too somewhere - but it was the tongue that he saw first; hungrily flicking out at him. The tongue was as sharp as a knife and carved itself off a neat chunk of Marco - just for starters; so quick that it cut the cry from his throat.

Nobody noticed that Marco was gone, at least not until the lady was well on her way. All that was left was his shoes with his feet still inside. Not to the creature's taste most evidently.

There was no way that anyone in the restaurant missed the beastie burping but they all acted as if they'd not heard.

"What a lovely treat..." Miss Holly commented with a smile as she tipped the door man who had already hailed her a taxi.

A lovely treat for the lady and her bag most probably, but certainly not for Marco.

They say that curiosity kills that cat - well, it clearly kills waiters too! His demise really wasn't the tip that he had expected and deserved - that poor man...

I guess it depends on how often Miss Holly takes her bag out with her to dinner; but how many people can say that their waiter has given them both good service and also been enjoyed as an after dinner snack...

Perhaps only Marco...

This piece and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2016.

Sunday, July 24, 2016

THERE IS A PONG OF FEAR IN THE AIR, THIS WEEK...

FANGS FOR THE MEMORY... ANOTHER YETI SCRIPT!!

Hello beasties!

This week I have another Shy Yeti script for you - this one is the direct sequel to the one involving  the cat psychic from a few weeks ago:


http://thedaffypoet.blogspot.co.uk/2016_06_12_archive.html


But it also follows on loosely after the one I published after that set in Amsterdam:


http://thedaffypoet.blogspot.co.uk/2016_06_26_archive.html


So is legendary podcaster, Toppie Smellie in this one? You'll just have to read it and see, won't you?.. To be honest you can probably just start reading from this point without checking the previous scripts - at this stage you'll probably have no trouble picking up what's going on. So yes, it's time to sit down and have nice cup of tea and a slice of cake and just catch up with what Mr Yeti has been up to...

There's no chance of a cup of tea and a slice of cake for me too, is there? No?! No... No, of course not - no, I should never have asked... I'm sorry... Very sorry... So, moving on...

Why photos of cake and not of cows, you ask? Good grief you are being grouchy this week, aren't you? (Sorry!) There are photos of cake because I thought they looked nice. You want a photo of a cow? Well, here they are...


MOO!!!

Okay!? There... Loads of the things! Satisfied now!? They don't have fangs - these vampire bovine are purely fictional - at least I presume they are, but who knows! Anyway, I can't draw and neither am I prepared to affix fangs to a real cow. It would be cruel - as much for me as it would be for Mrs Cow... No, I don't have Photoshop... Maybe I should!?!

Anyway! Meanwhile, elsewhere... I would like to share with you another link - this time to episode 9 of THE SHY LIFE PODCAST. This is the one that I recorded at my poetry show back on Friday the 8th of July and which also features poems by John Smallshaw and Rich Harris. As it happens I have since interviewed Rich for the podcast, but that little chat won't be out for a week or three, as I have a number of other interviews to share with are further ahead in the queue. At any rate, here are the details for episode nine:

THE SHY LIFE PODCAST 9: A YETI WAY OF THINKING - THE SHOW!!!

Here we are for episode NINE - and it's our longest episode yet!! This time Mr Yeti is having one of his little poetry shows at The Poetry CafĂ© near Covent Garden in London. There are two other guest-poets joining us - John Smallshaw and Rich Harris and you may also recognise one or two familiar faces in the crowd. Mr Yeti would like to thank John and Rich for performing on the night and also would also like to offer very many thanks to those who came to support the show on the night. I will be away early in August, but hope to get another episode out before I leave - I will see what I can do!! Please email me at shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk if you have any comments. The music was by Shy Yeti. This episode and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2016. Episode 9 was recorded between the 8th and the 10th July 2016. My latest book is called A YETI WAY OF THINKING which can be bought from www.lulu.com... Rich Harris(@richie_rich77 on Twitter) has a book, DARK which can be purchased from Amazon.co.uk. John Smallshaw @jsirony on Twitter) does not have a book - but he does have a blog:

https://pantechniconpoet.wordpress.com/ or http://linesofjohn.com/

This episode is available on iTunes, Acast, Podbean and also on Soundcloud at:


This is possibly the last post I'll have for you before I leave for Kent - although I may share something with you the day I  leave. I'm not sure, as yet, whether I have internet on holiday - if I do then you might get another post from the Kent countryside itself. I expect to be working on writing, podcasting and just generally chilling out, so I'm not entirely sure what you'll get next - but it'll be good fun whatever it is!!

That's about it for now - except for the new script, of course!

More soon!

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx

P.S. This episode was written between Friday 10th and Monday 20th June 2016 - before I began working on proofreading and slight re-writing up until the time of posting...

SHY YETI AND THE KEEPER OF THE VAMPIRE COWS...


SETTING: It is a warm summer's day and Shy Yeti appears to be a yeti on a mission... That very morning he received a telegram which greatly intrigued him - for it was from a friend who had been quite a cause for concern of late and who had also recently gone missing...

SHY IS ALONE - HE STANDS IN THE MIDDLE OF A FIELD - THERE IS NOBODY TO BE SEEN AND HE BEGINS TO WONDER IF HE HAS COME TO THE WRONG PLACE... SHY GLANCES DOWN AT THE TELEGRAM AGAIN, MUTTERING IT UNDER HIS BREATH AS HE RE-READS IT...

"SHY! THIS IS TOPPIE! TERRIBLY SORRY THAT I VANISHED LIKE THAT! CAN WE MEET? I KNOW IT'S A BIT SHORT NOTICE... *THIS MESSAGE IS FOLLOWED BY EXACT DIRECTIONS*

SHY: (slightly grumpy, frustrated, confused)

Most odd... Most odd, indeed... Trust me to get myself involved in a mystery like this... Where is the man?

THERE IS STILL NO SIGN OF ANYONE - HOWEVER SHY DOES NOTICE THAT A HERD OF COWS ARE BEGINNING TO ENTER THE FIELD... HE DOESN'T REALLY PAY MUCH ATTENTION UNTIL THE COWS START TO APPROACH HIM - THERE IS SOMETHING A BIT ODD ABOUT THEM AND ONE OR TWO OF THEM SUDDENLY TRANSFORM INTO BATS AND FLY OFF INTO NEARBY TREES... THIS IS NOT THE TYPICAL BEHAVIOUR OF YOUR AVERAGE JERSEY AND IT RINGS ALARM BELLS IN SHY'S HEAD - HE HAS SEEN THESE BEFORE!

(dismayed) Vampire cows!? What on earth are vampire cows doing in the middle of a field in Surrey?

VOICE: (rather gruff and concerned)

Best be careful of them, Sir... Those cows can be a tad bitey once they get hungry...

SHY SPINS AROUND AND IS SURPRISED TO FIND A RATHER SCRUFFY-LOOKING FARMER STANDING BEHIND HIM, BUSILY CHEWING ON A LONG PIECE OF GRASS...

SHY: (remaining calm)

Well, yes! They're all vampires, I see!

FARMER: (almost suspiciously)

They are sir, they are - very observant of you... Not many folk would notice such things... Especially as most people believe that vampires can't survive in the light...

SHY: (confidently)

Oh yes - but I know about modern vampires, you see... All that stuff about them having grown used to the sun over the years...

FARMER: (curious)

That's evolution for you, sir... Still, you must have good eyesight to see that they were vampire cows from all the way over here - what was it, the precise frequency of their moos?

SHY: (trying not to sound flippant)

No, I'd say it was more the fact that they turned into bats and flew off into the trees...

FARMER: (supportively)

Ah yes! I forgot about that one, but I still say that you're pretty observant, sir...

SHY: (delicately)

Am I now... Well, thank you... That said I'm not a complete novice in these matters - I actually do know people who have kept such things as a pets...

FARMER: (disapproving)

Vampire cows?! As pets? Oh no, sir - I wouldn't advise it...

SHY: (in agreement)

Well, I know - this was in Central London - wandering around Hyde Park they were...

FARMER: (clearly shocked)

Outrageous, sir!

SHY: (struggling to explain)

Indeed... Although I should probably explain that these were - at least initially - vampire cows who had reverted back to their normal cowyness; reformed bovine vampires with their fangs removed...

FARMER: (disapproving)

No... No... No... That sort of thing never works... Something always goes wrong...

SHY: (unhappily)

Well yes, it did in my friend's case - very wrong indeed... A secretary was crept up on and - as I'm sure you can imagine - it all ended up very messily... Most upsetting...

FARMER: (sagely)

Well, that's what happens, so it does...

SHY: (trying not to sound rude)

Not to be rude, but how come you're the one looking after these cows... What makes you an expert?

FARMER: (proudly)

Being an expert is what makes me an expert, so it does... I've been trained in these matters - I know what makes these cows tick - and moo - and bite, for that matter; I have complete control of them...

SHY: (sounding doubtful)

Even the ones that flew up into the trees?

FARMER: (insistent)

Of course, sir - even those... I only have to whistle...

SHY: (trying to sound positive)

Ah well... That's a relief... And who owns them?

FARMER: (matter-of-factly)

I'm employed by a company and my boss is just a suit... I've never met the actual person at the top - be that a lady or be that a man...

SHY: (mutters to self)

All very convenient... Sorry, that's not your fault - it's just that there's rather a lot of odd things happening these days... (he looks around himself again, concerned that there is no sign of Toppie)

FARMER: (curious, wishing to be helpful)

Yes, indeed... You looking for somebody, sir?

SHY: (sounding a bit distant, deep in thought)

I'm meant to be meeting a friend of mine here - he sent me a telegram...

FARMER: (surprised)

I didn't even know that they still made those, sir...

SHY: (chuckling)

I thought very much the same thing when I actually received  it...

FARMER: (concerned)

And this friend of yours he wanted to meet you here? That's a funny place - a slightly dangerous place, for that matter... Wouldn't a coffee shop or a pub have been a better suggestion?

SHY: (frustrated)

Well, yes... Yes, I know... I'd have certainly preferred that.. I never really paid that much attention - I just came out - I didn't know it was just a field and I certainly didn't know anything about the vampire cows when I came out this way...

FARMER: (looking around, distracted)

Ah well... I suppose I ought to leave you be... The cows have had their run around...

SHY: (curious)

Time to get them milked?

FARMER: (chuckling)

Oh no... You don't milk a vampire cow... They don't produce it in the ordinary way, to be honest - it's a long story... Anyway... No milking - you just get a feather duster and tickle their tummies...

SHY: (a little taken aback)

Oh... Right... Fair enough...

FARMER: (politely, heading off)

Well, okay then... I'll be going... Nice to meet you, sir...

SHY: (suddenly enlightened)

Sure... Yes... Hey! Just a minute... I never even thought... You tricky tease, you! I've been so stupid... Toppie, it's you, isn't it? Ha! What a great disguise...

FARMER: (baffled by his sudden declaration)

Who's what, sir? You're confusing me now...

SHY: (lowering his tone)

Oh, my goodness! It IS you, isn't it? You look totally different! I can't believe that you let me chat away to you like this... What's going on? I can see now that your side-burns are just stuck on! So cheap!

FARMER: (growing quite worried, backing away)

I'm not sure what you mean... I can assure you that my facial hair is all my own... Listen, I've really got to go...

SHY: (confused)

What? Why? You're here now... Don't go, Toppie... I can help you!

FARMER: (beginning to panic)

I HAVE TO GO... I REALLY MUST LEAVE...

SHY: (shouting out after him)

TOPPIE!? HEY! WHERE ARE YOU GOING? I'M SORRY - I DIDN'T MEAN IT ABOUT THE SIDE-BURNS... THEY REALLY SUIT YOU! I LIKE BRIGHT ORANGE!!

FARMER: (completely losing his temper)

YOU'RE MAD!! STAY AWAY!!

SHY STANDS IN THE FIELD LOOKING CONFUSED AS THE FARMER HURRIES AWAY - SUDDENLY HE HEARS A NOISE CLOSE BY, WHICH MAKES HIM JUMP...

COW: (angrily)

MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

SHY: (snappily)

GOODNESS! DON'T CREEP UP ON ME LIKE THAT...

COW: (rudely)

MOOOOOOOOO!!! MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! MOO!!!

SHY: (sternly)

Don't you go trying to bite me or anything now, will you? I always carry a stake with me, I'll have you know - in fact I make a point of eating a bulb of garlic a day - so I won't taste very nice either...

COW: (less cow-like and more human-sounding)

MOOO! MOOO!! IT'S ME!! SHY YETI, IT'S ME!!

SHY: (almost speaking to himself)

Oh, my goodness! A talking cow! Now, that's a first... I thought vampire cows were shocking enough - but this really takes the cake!

COW: (with an American accent)

NO, YETI!! IT'S ME... THE COW... IT'S TOPPIE!!

SHY: (dismissively)

Don't be silly - Toppie was the farmer...

COW: (sighing)

NO! I AM! ME... THE COW!!

SHY: (baffled)

BUT YOU'RE A JUST AN ANIMAL!?!

COW: (wearily)

I'M REALLY NOT!!

JUST TO PROVE IT - THE COW REARS UP AND TAKES HIS HEAD OFF - REVEALING THAT HE IS, INDEED, TOPPIE SMELLIE - THE LEGENDARY AMERICAN PODCASTER WHO SO RECENTLY SHOWED UP AT SHY'S HOUSE HAVING LOST HIS MEMORY - BUT THEN VANISHED...

SHY: (shocked)

GOOD GRIEF, TOPPIE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Is that all you or is that horrible cat in there with you?

TOPPIE: (a little embarrassed)

It's just me... Admittedly, there's a bit of padding - but not that much...

SHY: (enlightened)

Oh, I see now... Is that why the back legs are a bit floppy?

TOPPIE! (sounding a little annoyed)

NO! That's the real me...

SHY: (verging on rudeness)

Oh, I'm terribly sorry... Golly! The more I look the more I can see all the bits of loose thread on the costume - it looked quite realistic from a distance... You should ask for your money back! It really is quite tatty!

TOPPIE: (gritting his teeth slightly)

Thank you... I knitted it myself...

SHY: (apologetically)

Oh dear... I'm sorry... I seem to be putting my foot in it today... (Toppie gazes at Shy's shoes with concern) No! No... Not like that... So what happened to that cat?

TOPPIE: (hopefully)

Well - to be completely honest I am hoping that I've given Tolstoy the slip...

SHY: (sounding quite protective)

How so? I mean, how did you get away? I know he was quite the task-master...

TOPPIE: (proud of himself)

I slipped away under cover of darkness and left my bed stuffed with pillows to try and make it look like me?

SHY: (surprised)

...And he fell for it? You see that in all the movies and I never thought it would actually work...

TOPPIE: (quite openly)

It didn't... So I locked him in the bathroom and just bolted...

SHY: (caught up in the story)

Good grief! This is quite the adventure... So how long ago was this?

TOPPIE: (slightly vague)

A few days ago...

SHY: (attempting to figure out the timings)

It's a couple of weeks ago since you were at my house, right? (Toppie nods) So, what's been going on since you gave him the slip? Are you still reading cat fortunes?

TOPPIE: (calmly)

Oh no... No... I've given that up... I'm doing far better posing as a vampire cow... I don't get paid - but the food is good...

SHY: (surprised)

What? Hay!?

TOPPIE: (kindly, but keen to make his point)

Oh no... Vampire cows have a far more interesting diet...

SHY: (disgusted)

URGH! Not raw meat?!

TOPPIE: (quite casually)

Not raw... Not if you put it on the radiator first... Give is a little sizzle...

SHY: (shocked)

NO!!

TOPPIE: (gives a very Toppie-esque giggle)

HA!! NO! I'M KIDDING!

SHY: (relieved, curious)

Thank goodness... I don't suppose I care what you're eating as long as you're alive! But what about your memory? Is it still missing...

TOPPIE: (sounding a little sad about it)

Mostly, yes...

SHY: (beginning to waffle)

Listen... It'll come back, I'm sure it will... I can speak to some of the other podcasters who know you... If you haven't raised enough money yet, then let me buy you a flight home... It's no problem... I recently sold a musical to a gentleman in the West End... That's not a euphemism, by the way - it really happened...

TOPPIE: (frustrated)

But what good is a plane ticket if I don't even have a passport - I can't even apply for one of them without the appropriate documents... It's hopeless, I tell you - HOPELESS!!

SHY: (trying to calm him)

Oh, I forgot that... But please - please don't panic! There's nothing for it then, we'll just have to go to the American Embassy! You can't be the first American Tourist to have lost your passport - or your memory for that matter!

TOPPIE: (really looking shaken)

Really? You think there's a help group for that, do you? Sorry... I don't mean to be sarcastic... I bet you think I'm pathetic - but I'm actually scared...

SHY: (upset at the very thought)

Scared to go home!?

TOPPIE: (voice low and nervous)

Scared to go anywhere... That cat was... Well, he was a real menace!

SHY: (intrigued)

Not Tolstoy again!? What exactly did he do to you? For that matter, where did you vanish to last time? What happened? So many questions, I'm sorry!

TOPPIE: (relaxing again)

Okay - one at a time!! To be honest, it was mainly just hissing from Tolstoy - but he did torture me by playing current songs from the cat top 40... You think that things are bad with human music these days; but you've not heard anything until you've heard a whole litter of kittens rapping!

SHY: (impressed)

Oh, I dunno... It almost sounds cute...

TOPPIE: (sternly)

It was NOT cute...

SHY: (confused)

Message received loud and clear! I just don't see what hold he has over you though, Toppie...

TOPPIE: (with regret)

He has my passport for one thing...

SHY: (supportively)

Yes... Well, forget about that... I've told you - we'll go to the Embassy... We'll tell them that you had your passport stolen and that you need an emergency replacement - it CAN be done, you know!

TOPPIE: (alarmed to recall the experience)

I know... I know... I'm sorry... As for last time - Tolstoy and his kitty kidnappers threw a bag over my head and the next thing I knew I was being dragged off into the night...

SHY: (confused again)

Wasn't it the morning when we last spoke?

TOPPIE: (a tad embarrassed)

I think so, but that sounds less dramatic, don't you think? I'm sorry - it's the performer in me...

SHY: (not quite sure how to reply)

I guess so... I still can't make any sense of this at all... How did you get here? Why have you lost your memory? What has that cat got to do with it all - and why am I suddenly involved!? I mean, I'm far from being your only friend; you must have 100s in real life, what with your listeners from the show!

TOPPIE: (again frustrated)

Maybe... but please, Shy! I told you before... Don't keep layering on the questions - I can't keep up with them all! I just don't have any answers to them - not yet, at least!

SHY: (reassuring)

Well, we'll get answers for you, don't you worry!

TOPPIE: (with regret, then trying to change the subject)

That's easy to say... I can't help but worry... (Shy just shrugs) How was Amsterdam?

SHY: (surprised)

Amsterdam? How do you know about that? You weren't there, were you? I mean, you don't have your passport, do you?

TOPPIE: (lowering his voice almost to a whisper)

No... But one of Tolstoy's people was there... They wanted me to send you a message saying that I was being held hostage - to ask for a ransom... I played along for a while - but I just wouldn't do it... It was soon after that that I got away... I've been on the run ever since...

SHY: (frustrated)

Oh, goodness gracious... So, it's money they're after... They do realise that I make little to no cash from my poetry, don't they? Everything else I earn goes towards paying my bills from day to day...

TOPPIE: (unsure)

I dunno, Shy... He's a cat - what does he know about anything!

SHY: (mystified)

He knows enough to know about getting you kidnapped... This is very odd, indeed...

JUST AT THAT MOMENT THERE COMES A NOISE - AT FIRST SHY MISTAKES IT FOR A VAMPIRE CALF - FOR HE CAN SEE A COW-LIKE SHAPE APPROACHING AND HEARS SOMETHING THAT SOUNDS LIKE A MOO; BUT THE MORE HE HEARS THE SOUND THE MORE HE BELIEVES IT TO BE THE SOUND OF A MOO IF A CAT WAS TRYING TO PRETEND TO BE A COW AND HAD TO STOP HIMSELF FROM PURRING...

(urgently) TOPPIE!! QUICK!! I THINK I HEAR TOLSTOY! WELL, I HEAR A CAT - IT MUST BE HIM, SURELY!?

TOPPIE: (listening)

I don't hear anything? If only I had Sassy here - he's my laptop - he'd be able to amplify the sounds...

SHY: (lowering his voice in both fear and excitement)

I know who Sassy is! I do listen to your show, remember!? Golly - I've only just realised! You remembered Sassy! Toppie - don't you see; you're memory is beginning to return!

TOPPIE: (amazed)

So I am! Oh, that's marvellous, isn't it?!

SHY: (urgently)

No time to celebrate, though... Quick! You've got to get out of here... We'll meet up again later - you mustn't let him catch up with you...

TOPPIE: (bemused, then pausing)

But I still don't hear anything... (he listens again) Oh... Maybe I do, now...

THEY BOTH LISTEN AND SURE ENOUGH THE CAT/COW IS STILL COMING TOWARDS THEM - TOPPIE ATTEMPTS TO RUN, STILL INSIDE THE COW SUIT - BUT FALLS OVER... SHY HELPS HIM UP - BUT HAS SOME WISE ADVICE FOR THE POOR GENTLEMAN...

SHY: (breathily as he helps him)

Get out of the suit and just run - you're only slowing yourself down...

TOPPIE: (embarrassed)

But I'm only in my underwear...

SHY: (removing his jacket)

Here! Take this... You'll never get away inside that cow... Can you get yourself back to my house?

TOPPIE: (unsure)

Err... I think so...

SHY: (reassuringly)

Then I'll see you there... We'll work out what to do...

TOPPIE: (grateful)

Thank you, yeti...

SHY NODS AND WATCHES AS THE CAT/COW LOLLOPS CLOSER - GLANCING BACK HE IS RELIEVED TO SEE THAT TOPPIE IS MAKING SOME DISTANCE BETWEEN THEM... THE CAT IS COMING CLOSER - HE SOUNDS ANGRY - BUT SHY LOOKS CONFIDENT...

SHY: (defiantly)

Don't think I'm scared of you, Tolstoy! I THOUGHT you'd be here; but I have come prepared... I don't know what hold you have over Toppie or why you are doing this - I don't believe it can really be about money! Your plan is too convoluted for that - and nobody has any money anyway! Whatever your true motivation is I mean to stop you and help that poor man get his memory back and then I intend to get him safely home! Don't think you can mess with me, Tolstoy - I know it's you... I come armed with some of the strongest cat-nip known to man... It'll stop you in your tracks...

SHY YETI REACHES FOR HIS COAT POCKETS - PATTING HIMSELF DOWN AS HE REALISES THAT HE CAN'T FIND THE CAT-NIP - IT IS GONE... WELL, OF COURSE IT IS!!

Oh goodness... It was in my coat pockets... TOPPIE!!

BUT THERE IS NO REPLY - BY NOW TOPPIE IS TOO FAR AWAY TO HEAR HIM AND THE CAT-COW COMES EVER CLOSER - SHY DOESN'T HANG AROUND BUT HIGH-TAILS IT ACROSS THE FIELD IN PURSUIT OF TOPPIE... THE CAT-COW JUST WATCHES - AND THEN - SUDDENLY, WITHOUT WARNING - HE IS GONE... HE HAS VANISHED - AS IF SOMEHOW TELEPORTED AWAY...

WHAT EVER WILL HAPPEN NEXT!?

TO BE CONTINUED...

Note: This story will be continued - but not necessarily in the next Shy Yeti script.

This post and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler 2016.