I'm just back from a week in Amsterdam and I wouldn't exactly say that it was the healthiest of trips a) we did have a few nice meals and b) I got food-poisoning and/or a stomach bug! On the other hand - when I wasn't laid up in my bed back at the hotel - we did, at least, get out and about and I was probably moving around more than I would have been during your typical week at work when I'm only pottering about the library or sat behind the enquiry desk most of the time. Oh, and due to being ill I barely ate for 48 hours - so I MUST have lost some weight. Still, it's not recommended...
Anyway - in this week's sketch "Shy Yeti"'s attempts at healthy living don't quite go to plan... You know what fruit and vegetables can be like! It's never plain sailing...
Before we move on - I posted the 2nd full-length episode of THE SHY LIFE PODCAST just before we left for Amsterdam, the third in all including the pilot. Here is some more information on that:
THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - 2: LIBRARIES OF ALL SHAPES AND SIZES...
In this, our second full-length episode of THE SHY LIFE PODCAST, Mr Yeti returns to the location of one of his first full time jobs - which he began 20 years ago this year! His mum is also on hand to share stories of her library days... We also delve into listener's letters, hear this episode's poem, reacquaint ourselves with Dameus Twinklehorn and have a little chat about some second-hand vinyl... I wasn't expecting this episode to be posted so soon - but as I'm now away for a week. Episode 3 probably won't arrive until the middle of June. This episode was recorded between the 21st and the 26th May 2016 - all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2016.
P.S. This sketch was devised during late March and early April, but was written between the 16th and 17th May 2016 - the formatting was completed on Friday 27th May 2016 and it was posted... well, today!
SHY YETI EATS HEALTHILY...
Well, I can assure you doctor that I'll do my very best... I do have a small sponsorship deal with a pie-making firm; but I'm sure as long as I eat some pies a day then they'll still be happy for me to represent them...
DR M: (slightly kinder in tone)
Some pies will be fine... Come back in a month and we'll discuss your progress... Make an appointment with my receptionist on the way out, please...
Of course... Thank you again, doctor...
SHY HEADS OUT OF THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE - CARRYING A GREAT WADGE OF PROMOTIONAL MATERIAL THAT DR MAGDA HAS GIVEN HIM... TIME PASSES AND BACK AT HIS OWN FLAT SHY YETI IS ASSEMBLING ALL THE INGREDIENTS TO MAKE HIMSELF A HEALTHY SALAD - ONLY IT WOULD APPEAR THAT NOT EVERYONE IS HAPPY WITH THIS PLAN...
Oh... Here we go... Let's see how long THIS lasts...
OTHER VOICE: (mocking)
He's been to the doctor - promised to eat healthier... How long's he going to keep this going? I gave it a week!
FIRST VOICE: (joining in)
Ha! I give it a day - at best!
OTHER VOICE: (sneering)
Haha! You're right... Well, he's not going to eat me in a hurry - he hates pears...
FIRST VOICE: (chipping in quickly)
Well, I'm all bruised, so he won't touch me either...
OTHER VOICE: (snapping back)
I wouldn't be so sure... Sometimes he likes to chop a ripe banana up and spread it on toast like butter before piling on some marmalade...
FIRST VOICE: (outraged)
Oh! You bitch... Don't be so cruel... How could you say such a thing?
OTHER VOICE: (snootily)
I speak as I find... I had a neighbour who was one of your lot and that's exactly the kind of thing that happened to him...
THIRD VOICE: (furiously)
Why don't you just shut your yap - for all we know he's going to chuck us all in a blender and turn us into a smoothie!
HOW DARE YOU!!
THE VERY THOUGHT! A BLENDER!?! NO, NEVER...
SHY STOPS WHAT HE IS DOING AND LOOKS AROUND AND IS SURPRISED TO DISCOVER THAT, AS HE SUSPECTED, THE FRUIT IN HIS FRUIT BOWL IS BAD MOUTHING HIM AND COMMENTING RATHER SARCASTICALLY ON ALL OF HIS ACTIONS...
Excuse me... I'm trying to prepare my dinner here... I'm finding it very off putting to have you lot sitting there nattering in my face...
BANANA 1: (mutters)
Oh! 'Ark at him... Now the yeti thinks we're talking too loud... When will his egotism ever end?
PEAR: (equally as mutter-y)
No time soon from what I can tell! It's not bad enough that he intends to eat us but now he wants us to shut up about it!
BANANA 2: (not bothering to talk quietly)
The cheek of the man!
Hey! Hey! I don't think this is very fair! As you pointed out not moments before - all three of you are battered and bruised... If I don't eat you then you're just going to rot... Is that what you want?
BANANA 1: (shocked)
BANANA 2: (disgusted)
He's a heartless one, isn't he?
PEAR: (goading them on)
Put your head-phones on and turn up the volume... That'll learn him...
SHY: (shaking his head and trying to ignore them)
You bunch are just nuts...
IN UNISON: (joining in protest)
We're SO not! The nuts are in that other bowl in the lounge... That's right! Yes! That's definitely right!
SHY: (under his breath)
So, are vegetables are pedantic as this or just you fruits?
Ooooh! How dare he!? Isn't he horrible!? We heard that, you know!
Don't tell me... You all need an spot of therapy to get over all I've put you through!?!
Yes! Yes, we do! Too right... Show us some respect!
SHY: (talking to self)
Eating healthily should be easier than this... Well, shouldn't it? This is ridiculous!
TIMES PASSES... SHY FINDS HIMSELF BACK IN DR MAGDA'S OFFICE RATHER SOON THAN EXPECTED - THIS TIME HE IS ACCOMPANIED BY THE CONTENTS OF HIS FRUIT BOWL, WHO ARE, BY NOW, REALLY BEGINNING TO LOOK WORSE FOR WEAR, ALTHOUGH THEY'VE ALL USED MAKE-UP TO TRY AND MAKE IT LOOK LIKE THEY'RE STILL FRESH AND JUICY...
DR M: (politely, confidently)
So... It's very nice to see you all here - what exactly can I do to help?
BANANA 1: (furiously)
Well - I'm going to be quite blunt about this but we are all here because we object to what you told this yeti about healthy eating...
BANANA 2: (chipping in)
He's right... It's very offensive to us...
PEAR: (through gritted teeth)
You've only gone and told him to cut down on the pies and so now he's eating lots of fruit... That's US if you hadn't noticed!
DR M: (delicately)
Well, yes... That's true - and I realise that you will have quite a personal take on this issue... But you really must admit that it's a lot more healthy to eat...
BANANA 1: (losing his mind over this whole issue)
FRUIT!! FRUIT!! Well, it's NOT more healthy for us!!
But you have to go sometime... I don't know if you've noticed - but you ARE fruit and you ARE going to rot...
BANANA 2: (pedantically)
So you say.. But if you will insist on eating us then how are we ever going to know that!?
PEAR: (chipping in)
It's hardly fair...
SHY: (losing his temper, making a bit of a personal attack)
Nobody even LIKES pears - you'll never get eaten!
THE TWO BANANAS MAKE A SHARP INTAKE OF BREATH AND EVEN DR M FROWNS...
DR M: (disapproving)
Now! Now! There's no need to be mean...
PEAR: (defiantly, but still upset)
Thank you, doctor... I'll have you know that people do like pears - especially in pear and almond tart...
BANANA 1: (sounding a little superior)
That's not quite the same, honey... That's cooked pear - people will eat us raw... Preferably so, really...
BANANA 2: (interrupting)
Dressed in vanilla ice cream with a cherry on top! They'll have us a fritter though, with syrup drizzled all over us...
I thought we were here to discuss why me chopping fruit and vegetables upsets you - but now you're boasting about how people prefer to eat you...
DR M: (in agreement)
I do agree with Mr Yeti... It is rather sending out mixed messages!
SHY: (turning to Dr M and lowering his tone slightly)
There's clearly some kind of rivalry going on here... I have no idea why they're sulking about this so much - when they saw me I was making a salad - I wasn't doing anything with fruit...
You were chopping tomatoes... They're fruit...
SHY: (eagerly disagreeing)
DR M: (slightly awkwardly)
They are ACTUALLY a fruit - fair enough; although it's an easy mistake to make...
SHY HAS BEGUN TYPING ON HIS PHONE - HE PAUSES, SURPRISED...
SHY: (attempting to sound calmer)
Okay... I guess I didn't know that... I probably should have done... All the same, Dr - I'm really not sure what I'm meant to do and what I'm not meant to do... As was pointed out earlier all these fruit are going to rot eventually anyway...
BANANA 1: (solemnly)
More fruit get used far too early in their lives - there is still time for them to volunteer for charity work or to help old cucumbers cross the road...
BANANA 2: (boldly)
We think fruit should only be eaten when we've totally turned to pulp...
PEAR: (slightly disagreeing)
Even then I think it's cruel... Our pips should be saved and used to grow new fruits...
DR M: (nodding sagely)
Okay... Well, I understand how you might feel that way - but is it workable...
THERE IS NO REPLY FROM ANY OF THE FRUIT AND SO SHY JUMPS IN WITH A QUESTION...
If I was sitting here talking about eating cucumbers or cabbages or peas in their pods, then what would you say? Would you care?
BANANA 1: (hypocritically)
Oh... No... That would be fine...
BANANA 2: (equally so)
PEAR: (lowering voice)
Most of them deserve it - they probably even like being eaten - cucumbers can be a tad kinky, you know...
Hmmm... Doctor... This is what I was trying to explain... Can you see the problem I'm having here?
DR M: (crossly)
Yes... Yes, I do indeed... Now listen you lot - this has got to stop...
BUT AT THAT MOMENT THERE COMES A KNOCK ON THE DOOR AND DOCTOR MAGDA'S SECRETARY ENTERS, NEARLY CRUSHED BY A CAVALCADE OF ANGRY VEGETABLES!
SECRETARY: (close to tears)
DR! DR! I'm terribly sorry.. I JUST couldn't stop them...
DR M: (out-raged)
Well, really! Really... This is most impertinent! I'm in the middle of a private session with my patients here!
WE DON'T CARE!! WE DON'T CARE!! THE REBELLION BEGINS HERE!!
COURGETTES: (also chanting)
KEEP RIGHTS FOR VEGGIES ON THE TABLE!!
BRUSSEL SPROUTS: (joining in)
WHAT DO WE WANT!? CUDDLES!! WHEN DO WE WANT THEM? NOW!!!
DR M: (bubbling over)
PLEASE!! THIS IS MOST UNCONVENTIONAL...
BEFORE ANYTHING MORE CAN BE SAID A LARGE BEEF-STEAK TOMATO COMES SHUFFLING INTO THE ROOM AND ALL THE VEGETABLES, EVEN THE FRUIT MOVE BACK IN RESPECT AND A GANG OF RUNNER BEANS CAN EVEN BE SEEN BOWING...
SHY: (feeling like he might need to pull some fur out in frustration)
What on earth is going on NOW!?
BANANA 1: (in awe)
Shhh now... It's the tomato king!
BANANA 2: (through clenched teeth - do bananas have teeth!?!)
Why aren't you both bowing!?
You'll both be in such trouble!!
THE VEGETABLES JUST MUMBLE A LOT - CLEARLY THEY ARE NOT THE DEEPEST OF THINKERS COMPARED TO THE FRUITS - DR M IS CLEARLY QUITE TAKEN ABACK...
DR M: (mutters under his breath)
THIS IS QUITE OUT OF ORDER...
TOMATO KING: (sounding quite dignified)
ARE YOU THE PRINCE OF THE PEOPLE, DR M??
DR M: (growing suddenly nervous)
Not me, no... HIM!! (he points to Shy)
HEY! I'm just your common and garden yeti - I'm nobody special...
BANANA 1: (surprised)
That's the first time I've ever heard him say that about himself...
BANANA 2: (also surprised)
Yeah! Too true!!
SHY: (grumpy now - so just playing along!)
Will you stop bitching away like that - okay, yes... I'm the king of the humans! How can I help you Tomato King?
TOMATO KING: (booming grandly... not to mention rather pretentiously)
I HAVE COME HERE TO DEMAND THAT YOU MARRY MY DAUGHTER!
SHY: (taken aback)
I beg your pardon!?
TOMATO KING: (beginning to lose his temper and then sneezing)
I WANT YOU TO MARRY MY... *AAAAAAAAATISSSSSSHOOOOOOOO*
DR M: (clearly surprised to meet a tomato with a cold)
Good grief... That's a nasty cold...
TOMATO KING: (rudely)
WHAT DOES IT MATTER TO YOU, FOUR EYES...
HEY! That's not very nice - this gentleman is a doctor... He can possibly help with your cold...
TOMATO KING: (his booming voice dropping to a more natural level)
Can you? Really!?
DR M: (confident, hiding his confusion)
Sure... Sure... I'm sure I could do something...
SHY: (grits teeth, interrupting)
Does it involve a blender?
DR M: (trying not to snap)
Shhh, now... (turning back to the King) Might I ask you some family questions, sir? Please, take a seat...
TOMATO KING: (thankful)
Yes... Err... Why, thank you...
BANANA 1: (chipping in)
Can you do anything for bruised fruit?
BANANA 2: (giggling)
I have a bad case of stalk envy...
PEAR: (deliberately silly)
I have a question... How can I be a pear when there is only one of me...
DR M: (finally taking control)
Now! Now! I'll get to all of you - but I can only deal with one fruit-stroke-vegetable at a time... Please, if you would like to form a queue!
COURGETTES: (still chanting)
KEEP RIGHTS FOR VEGGIES ON THE TABLE!!
BRUSSEL SPROUTS: (also still chanting, quite inanely)
WHAT DO WE WANT!? HOT CHOCOLATE WITH MARSHMALLOWS!! WHEN DO WE WANT THEM? NOW!!!
SHY YETI TURNS TAIL AND MAKES HURRIEDLY FOR THE DOOR - HE IS HUNGRY BUT ALREADY HAS VERY MIXED THOUGHTS ABOUT WHAT HE SHOULD BE EATING - BUT AT LEAST HE'S NOT BEING BAMBOOZLED BY ANNOYING FRUIT AND VEGETABLES... TIME PASSES AND WE SEE MR YETI BACK HOME - RELAXING IN THE GARDEN... HE APPEARS TO BE DINING ON ICE POPS AND HAS HIS EAR-PHONES ON - MEANING THAT HE CAN'T HEAR THE TREES, THE FLOWERS, THE GRASS, THE INSECTS AND THE BIRDS YAMMERING ON AT HIM... HE IS CONTENT... A BIRD TRIES TO POOP ON HIM AND HE QUICKLY COVERS HIMSELF WITH A PARASOL - ALL IS WELL...