Sunday, May 22, 2016

"I'M SURE I'VE SEEN THAT YETI SOMEWHERE BEFORE!"


SHY YETI GETS RECOGNISED...


Hello beasties!

Yes, this week it's another sketch featuring Shy Yeti! This week he gets recognised by a fan... Or at least he presumes it's a fan... Read on to discover what exactly happens! This piece was written between the 28th April and 3rd May 2016, although I came up with the idea earlier that same month. It will be included in the forthcoming A SHY YETI SKETCH-BOOK which I am currently working towards putting together.

Oh - but before I say any more I should just say that I have unexpectedly (to myself as much as anyone else) released the pilot episode of my new podcast - THE SHY LIFE PODCAST... Here's some more information...

This is the pilot episode for my forthcoming THE SHY LIFE PODCAST which I hope to start posting regularly later in the summer. This is a shorter episode, with no guests - but it does give you an idea of some of the silliness that will be involved. In this pilot episode you will find some daft secrets about libraries - a poem from my latest E.P. (THE KISS-ME-QUICK E.P. available from Bandcamp) and also some musings from legendary actor Dameus Twinklehorn about his appearances in a number of horror films in the late 1960s. Hopefully I will return soon with a full-length episode and future installments will be available on various hosts to download. This episode was recorded between Saturday 14th and Monday 16th May 2016. Please email me at shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk if you have any comments. This episode and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2016.

It can be accessed at: https://soundcloud.com/shyyeti/the-shy-life-podcast-pilot-episode
 
Next time I have another short story to share with you, which is appropriately themed towards the end of the month. It'll be my last post before I head off to Amsterdam where I intend to write a number of new pieces which I will post during June; I may also record a few little films to accompany a future project - but I won't say any more about that for now.

Enjoy the new Yeti sketch - and also that new podcast - more soon!

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx
 

SHY YETI GETS RECOGNISED...



SETTING THE SCENE:

Shy Yeti is out and about... In his poor little head he is far more famous than he actually is (which is not at all!), but that comes from too much hanging out with egotistical bears like Charlie Grrr and his yeti friend, Simon - but even then Charlie is a celebrated actor and singer in his own country and Simon has presented a few TV shows. Shy has only really ever written a few poems and hung around at parties - but there you go... Anyway! So, he is out and about when he hears somebody calling out...

VOICE: (shouting)

OI! YOU! FATSO...

SHY YETI LOOKS AROUND, WONDERING WHO IS BEING SHOUTED AT, BUT SEES NOBODY ELSE AROUND... NEXT SHY WONDERS WHO IS SPEAKING – BUT THEN, SUDDENLY, HE NOTICES A RATHER SMALL GUINEA PIG GENTLEMAN...

SHY: (somewhat reluctant)

Yes... Can I help?

GUINEA-PIG: (grumpily, suspicious, slightly curious)

The name's Wallow... Bertram Wallow... You're well-known, ain't you?

SHY: (impatient)

Well, I'm not Charlie Grrr if that's what you're thinking...

WALLOW: (scoffing slightly)

Of course you're not... You're not a bear, are you - and if you were Charlie Grrr you'd hardly be walking about on a pavement on your own, now would you?

SHY: (a little put out)

I'm not sure what you mean...

WALLOW: (matter-of-factly)

Well, a class act like Mr Grrr must have servants and minders and chauffeur-driven limousines... He wouldn’t be seen dead out here in the wilderness, alone…

SHY: (pausing for a moment - then nodding in agreement)

I suppose he does occasionally have people that ferry him about the place...

WALLOW: (scoffing again)

And what would you know about it?

SHY: (defensively)

Well, I do know him...

WALLOW: (surprised, but cocky)

Ha! Really? Well, you may do - but you're not famous...

SHY: (confused)

But I thought you just said that I was well known!?

WALLOW: (rather harshly)

Well known's not the same as famous... You're well known because people know you - you're a hanger on - a face at every party! It's a wonder that bear puts up with you following him about everywhere; Simon Yeti - a talent at nothing but showing up!

SHY: (slightly relieved)

Oh! Well, I'm terribly sorry to let you down - but I'm NOT actually Simon Yeti...

WALLOW: (surprised again, also confused)

You're NOT!? You look like him...

SHY: (trying to remain calm)

Ah, Well... I have been told that before - but that's just because we're both yeti... Anyway, he's somebody different... I do know him - actually he and Charlie are genuinely very good friends...

WALLOW: (pompously, dismissive)

Bah!

SHY: (insistently)

No... It's true... Simon used to be on telly in this country quite a lot ten or fifteen years ago - in fact he helped Mr Grrr develop his career over here away from Beargrrria...

WALLOW: (disinterested)

I don't know anything about any of that, mate...

SHY: (almost proudly)

They once built a time-machine together... It worked too - or so I've heard...

WALLOW: (chuckling)

Funny man... Are you sure you're not Simon Yeti?

SHY: (trying not to get cross)

Really! I'm not! Here... See... (he flashes his bus pass at the grumpy guinea pig)

WALLOW: (vague)

Fair enough... So who are you again if you're not Simon Yeti?

SHY: (beginning to sound impatient)

Didn't you read it? My name was on my bus pass... I'm Shy... Shy Yeti...

WALLOW: (dismissive)

Oh, sorry... That was a name, was it? Sorry - I thought it was a description of your mental health, your marital status - or something... Should I have heard of you?

SHY: (slightly sadly)

Not necessarily...

WALLOW: (outrageously rude)

Do you perform? Juggle? Tap-dance perhaps? Actually no - I can't imagine you tap-dancing – you'd fall off and do yourself a mischief; that's if the table didn't collapse first!

SHY: (flustered, slightly boastful)

Well, REALLY! I'll have you know that I'm a poet... I'm an actor too - on occasion... I've written articles - once I even auditioned for the Eurovision Song-contest only I shattered the camera lens...

WALLOW: (thinking it over, sounding thoughtful)

Fascinating! Actually, now I think about it that your name does ring a bell... Let me just google you... Actually no... Better still...

MR WALLOW TAKES HIS PHONE OUT AND MAKES A CALL - SHY LOOKS QUITE SHOCKED AND WONDERS IF HE SHOULD WALK AWAY; BY NOW MR WALLOW IS TALKING TO SOMEBODY WHO HE APPEARS TO KNOW VERY WELL...

I’m sorry – I’ve forgotten… Don’t worry! He’s here – I’ll just ask him… (he turns away from the phone to ask Shy a question) What did you say your name was again, Mr?

SHY: (through gritted teeth, trying very hard not to shout)

SHY YETI...

WALLOW: (calmly)

Oh yeah... I remember now... I'm just ringing me sister...

SHY:

But why?

WALLOW: (enthusiastically)

If anyone's heard of you she will have... She reads all the magazines... Spends most of her free-time down the local library warming her hands over the photo-copier...

SHY:

She doesn't work?

WALLOW: (chuckles)

Oh yes... She's the librarian there - but she refuses to have the heating on; cuts into the book budget, you see...

SHY:

Oh! I trained to be a librarian... Year ago now... I recently learnt all about shhh-ing... (peters off, as his companion is clearly not listening)

WALLOW: (talking on the phone, sounding quite chirpy)

Hey! Daphers... It's me... What do you mean, who? It's me... Bertie... Your brother... You'll never guess who I'm with... Ha! Actually no... You'll really won't guess - I've never heard of him...  (Shy roles his eyes) Says he's called Shy Yeti... Says he's a poet - but that he once trained to be a librarian!

SHY: (whispers)

I gave it up to pursue my writing...

WALLOW: (chuckling)

He says he gave up working in the library to write books... By the look of him it won't be long before he wishes that he was back stamping books like you lot... Don't give up the day job, aye!?

SHY: (taken aback)

That's not very polite...

WALLOW: (not listening to him)

Oh! Really? You have heard of him! What, really? REALLY! Now I don't like the sound of that... Do you want me to bop him one on the nose?

SHY: (sounding worn out)

NOW what have I done?

WALLOW: (indignantly)

She says you made her cry...

SHY: (defensively)

I never did...

WALLOW: (disapproving, protective)

What did he do to you, love? Oh! Oh, I see... (looks back at Shy) Apparently one of your little verses made her cry... You weren't rude about her, were you?

SHY: (flustered)

Of course not! We've never met - I don't think we've ever met...

WALLOW: (still somewhat suspicious)

You're absolutely certain that you've never dated any lady named Daphne?

SHY: (awkwardly)

It's unlikely! I tend not to frequent that... area of... experience... If you see what I mean...

WALLOW: (quite upbeat, when all is said and done)

Oh, really... Into fellas, are we? Well, that's alright then... Of course, I am married, by the way, to a lady - just in case you wondered...

SHY: (attempting to flatter)

Thank you for clarifying... And what a lucky lady she certainly is...

WALLOW: (becoming suddenly impatient)

Isn't she, just? Anyway... My sister wants a word... (he holds the phone up) In a way I’m surprised – but in another way it’s just like her – she actually seems to know who you are, so be nice to her – she’s my little sister… It’s Daphne, remember… She’s 42.

SHY: (slightly lost for words)

Oh,.. Good age! Hello... Daphne?

DAPHNE: (chipper, almost disbelieving)

Hello... Good heavens! Is that really the poet, Shy Yeti?

SHY:

It is... How nice to speak to a...

DAPHNE: (curious)

A fan! Oh yes... Very much so... So, are you friends with my brother?

SHY: (slightly fazed)

Err... I guess... We've only just met, actually... (pauses) I must say - this is quite unusual... I'm not sure I've ever...

DAPHNE: (flattering)

Had a fan before? Oh really, Mr Yeti... I can't believe that!

SHY: (interested to hear)

So which of my books do you have, exactly? Which poem was it that made you cry?

DAPHNE: (sounding a little awkward)

Well, it was less of a poem and more of a verse, actually...

SHY: (encouraging)

They're not so terribly different...

DAPHNE: (weakly)

It was in a card though - not a book...

SHY: (suddenly recalling that he had once written verse for such things)

Oh...

DAPHNE: (more enthusiastically)

It was in a valentine's card... How did it go now? Roses are red... Violets are pink... You look quite daft and you probably stink! Lovely! It really moved me...

SHY: (uncertain)

Really? Are you sure I wrote that?

DAPHNE: (insistent)

It says so on the back of the card...

SHY: (mutters)

Oh well... I must have done then...

DAPHNE: (rather over-sharing)

I heard you on local radio too, once... You were very good... My pet silver fish wasn't so keen though - he nibbled the carpet and then pooed into the gap he'd made...

SHY: (still a tad baffled)

Oh... I do apologise... I'm not sure if I can offer any form of compensation...

DAPHNE: (feistily)

You could always come to my library and read to some of my enquirers... If you would... Sorry! That's rather bold of me to ask, I know...

SHY: (thinking about it for a second and then replying)

I'm sure I could do that; if it would make up in some way for the damage to your carpet!

WALLOW: (crossly)

Did you damage her carpet?

SHY: (impatiently)

Not me... Her silver fish - but it appears my voice may be to blame...

DAPHNE: (pleading)

Will you come along? Right now, Mr Shy? We're nearby... My brother will show you...

SHY: (growing suddenly quite enthusiastic)

I will, yes... Yes, of course - it will be my pleasure...

...AND SO TIME PASSES AND MUCH TO HIS OWN SURPRISE SHY GOES WITH BERTRAM WALLOW TO HIS SISTER DAPHNE'S LIBRARY AND HE IS RELIEVED TO DISCOVER THAT IT IS QUITE A NORMAL VENUE FOR SUCH BOOK-RELATED ACTIVITIES... SADLY, HOWEVER, THERE ARE VERY FEW PEOPLE WAITING FOR HIM TO DO THE READING...

DAPHNE: (happily)

When I got to work this morning I had no idea that I'd be sharing a cup of tea with my favourite poet – my favourite yeti, no less...

WALLOW: (shocked)

Steady on, old girl… (turning to Shy) She's just being nice... Don’t let it go to your head!

SHY: (whispers back)

Alright… I won’t… I'm well aware of that...

DAPHNE: (she has still heard them, trying to reassure Shy)

No... No... Not at all...

WALLOW: (continues)

You do realise that she only invited you because the original speaker couldn't show up... That's why there's nobody here now... They heard you were coming... You were not a suitable replacement...

DAPHNE: (losing her temper)

Don't be so mean... That isn't the truth at all...

SHY: (apologetic)

Really... I understand if it is... Who was your original speaker?

DAPHNE: (slightly unimpressed)

Oh... One of the darlings of the Women's Institute... Lady Tabitha Whatnot...

SHY: (somewhat mockingly)

A lady, no less! Is that her actual surname? I thought they were usually double-barrelled!

DAPHNE: (trying not to laugh)

Oh, she is... I just can't remember what is and I can't be bothered to go and look it up... She wasn't my choice! I do recall that she was meant to be speaking about the science of dropped-stitches in the self-production of cardigans and other knit-wear! Exciting, aye!?

SHY: (sighing)

Ah! Well, I never had a chance of competing against that – or her - now, did I?

WALLOW: (chuckling)

You said it...

DAPHNE:

Lilywhite-Abbers...

SHY: (confused)

I never did... Sorry, Daphne - I beg your pardon is what I meant to say! Was that a curse or a sneeze or possibly a smidgeon of both?

DAPHNE: (pleased with herself)

Sorry... That was her name... I remembered it now... But anyway... Yes... Perhaps it was a tall-order on this occasion - the ladies were very keen on hearing what Lady Tabitha - had to say; if we'd have known that you were coming instead then it would have been different... I guess the mistake was expecting the audience from stitching to be the same as an audience who wants to hear daft poems about cats!

SHY: (slightly indignant)

I don't only write about cats, you know...

WALLOW: (supportive, for once)

And to be fair old ladies do tend to own cats... They never gave him a chance...

SHY: (flattered for a moment)

True... And thank you... He's right!

DAPHNE: (kindly)

He is... Never mind, aye... I say we have the show anyway - we've an audience of sorts...

THEY ALL STARE AHEAD AT THE AFOREMENTIONED "AUDIENCE" WHICH IS MADE UP OF STUFFED TOYS AND DOLLS FROM THE KID'S SECTION...

WALLOW: (back to being rude again)

Better turn-out than expected; although apparently the stuffed giraffe refused to turn up!

SHY: (snaps, but then grins)

Oh shut up... Shall I begin?

DAPHNE: (excitedly)

Yes, please...

SHY: (slightly put out)

You're not going to announce me?

DAPHNE: (shaking her head, smiling weakly)

I don't think so, no...

SHY: (taking a deep breath before beginning)

Okay, right! So, I intend to begin this afternoon with one of my dafter, sillier poems! It’s called DISCO YETI and it’s one that reminds me of my younger, more agile days!

DAPHNE COUGHS LOUDLY TWICE TO GET HIS ATTENTION, SHY LOOKS OVER.

DAPHNE: (disappointed)

Won't you do my favourite?

SHY: (weary, but with patience)

Yes... Yes... Alright... (clears throat again) Roses are red... Violets are pink... You look quite daft and you probably stink!

DAPHNE APPLAUDS ENTHUSIASTICALLY - WALLOW JUST SHAKES HIS HEAD!

DAPHNE: (applauding loudly)

MORE!! MORE!! (she looks cross and begins stamping her foot) MOOORRRRREEE!!!

SHY:

Oh... Really, you mean!? (he beams) Roses are red... Violets are pink... You look quite daft and you PROBABLY stink!

THERE IS MORE APPLAUSE - WALLOW GETS TO HIS FEET AT THIS POINT..

WALLOW: (clearly ready to go)

Right... That's that then! Are we done?

SHY: (disappointed)

You don't want any more?

DAPHNE: (finally finishing clapping)

Oh, darling - I'm sorry... I think we've run out of time... Anyone for a cup of tea?

SHY: (sighing again)

Oh, go on then... I've got nothing else planned...

DAPHNE: (jumping to her feet - hurrying away)

MARVELLOUS!!

WALLOW: (lowers his voice)

I wouldn't stay long - she'll be on about her in-growing toe-nails and her latest doomed love affair if you linger too long... I should know, I live with her...

SHY: (suddenly having an idea)

SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

SUDDENLY BERTIE WALLOW GOES SILENT AND WANDERS OFF TO SIT IN A CORNER; DAPHNE RETURNS CARRYING A PLATE OF BISCUITS AND LOOKS BOTH SURPRISED AND IMPRESSED...

DAPHNE:

Golly! You really are up on your current library techniques aren't you? There's always a job here if you want it...

SHY: (slightly worried)

Don't tell anyone... I knew it would come in handy sometime, but I'm not actually chartered... A librarian friend of mine taught me it...

DAPHNE: (loyally)

Won't say a thing... I'll go and fetch the tea-pot...

SHY: (sighing again)

Fantastic! (mutters to self) I shall contemplate my afternoon and maybe even write a poem about it...  

Original Idea: April 2016… Written between Thursday 28th April and Tuesday 3rd May 2016, with some additions on Thursday 11th May 2016. Formatting and re-writing completed on Saturday 14th May 2016.


This post and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2016.

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