Sunday, May 08, 2016

SHY YETI (ALMOST) GETS THE BOOK THROWN AT HIM!!

SHY YETI AND THE MAGIC OF THE LIBRARIANS...

Hello beasties!!

Welcome May! April was a busy one... May May be a little calmer! (That's a dreadful sentence!!) I've a holiday coming up towards the end of the month - but more about that nearer the time...

We're back to posting once a week for the moment - having released the first season of KENSINGTON GORE last week... I am taking a break from all that this week by sharing with you another rather daft Shy Yeti sketch... I've been enjoying writing these silly little Shy Yeti sketches and as I may or may not have said already (I've forgotten, I'm pretty old now, remember!) I've decided that I'd like to do a few more and eventually put them into a book - potentially entitled A SHY YETI SKETCH-BOOK... But we shall see when and if that comes to pass, when and if it does... I'd certainly like it to!!

Next time I've got a new interview to share with you from those nice people at THE BEARGRRRIAN GAZETTE. Whilst I'm here, though - may I remind you of my Poetry Café show in July:


Before I go I really ought to leave you with all the KENSINGTON GORE information that you need to know... It goes a little like this...
 

KENSINGTON GORE focuses on a trio of friends who care-take a mysterious apartment block in the Kensington Gore area of London. They are Katrina, Warren and Lucy (who also featured in THE BEAST OF FRIENDS script-series) and on this occasion their troubles come from a herd of vampire cows and also from an infamous serial killer! New jobs are never easy; especially when you could end up dead!                

Hardback Ed: http://www.lulu.com/shop/paul-chandler/kensington-gore-season-one/hardcover/product-22663909.html £14.99

Paperback Ed: http://www.lulu.com/content/paperback-book/kensington-gore---season-one/18237784 £7.99

Thank you again for your support and to all those who have already bought their copies, thank you all the more! Enjoy the sketch - as the title confirms, it involves librarians - a profession close to my own heart!

Don't forget - my 12-track "lost" 2012 recording, THE KISS ME QUICK E.P. has just been released on Bandcamp at: https://shyyeti.bandcamp.com/album/the-kiss-me-quick-e-p and is available for just £2.

More soon...

Yeti hugs...

Paul xx

P.S. This piece was written between Thursday 31st March and 27th April 2016.

SHY YETI AND THE MAGIC OF THE LIBRARIANS...

SETTING THE SCENE:

Shy Yeti is out on the town with his two friends, married yeti couple Chas and Maxine - who he was at University with... All three of them studied to be librarians, however Shy rapidly became distracted and moved into writing, poetry and journalism (amongst other daft pursuits) and hasn't catalogued anything in years. The three yeti meet in a Kensington bar called The Disgruntled Yak and talk over the old days.

CHAS: (slightly teasing)

So how's the showbiz life, Shy?

MAX: (almost sarcastic)

Yes, tell us... What's new? Wooed any tip top starlets lately? Won any major awards?

SHY: (slightly put out, but trying not to show it)

Don't be daft! I don't woo... Well, not recently... The last famous person I saw had actually been dead about a decade, but was so bored with lying in his grave that he'd made the decision to come back as a zombie... Turns out it's truly revived his career - but you can never predict which way it will go... Audiences aren't always so kind and accommodating!

CHAS: (curious)

Who was it?!

SHY: (confused)

Who was it, what?

MAX: (keen to learn the answer)

The former star who came back as a zombie?

SHY: (vaguely)

Oh, I don't remember his name - watch the breakfast news tomorrow, though - I think he's presenting...

CHAS: (with pretend grumpiness)

You're useless... What's the point of knowing a yeti who's in the know - if he's forgotten who it is that he actually knows!

SHY: (beginning to waffle)

But that whole world is just dull, dull, dull - there's nothing more boring than a really famous person; all they want to talk about is themselves, when I'm clearly always the most exciting person in the room... Well, unless you two are about and then it's evens... Come on - that's what I want to know about - what exactly are you two up to? How's the world of librarying?

CHAS: (modestly playing down the obvious excitement of library work)

Oh, you don't want to know about all that...

SHY: (over-enthusiastic)

Oh, golly gee, do I! I want to know every last thing! How many bar-codes have you beeped? How many customers have you set the big dogs on because they couldn't afford to pay their over-due fines? Where are your shelving trolleys? Are they all oiled up and ready to go? Do you really race them down the aisles after lights out? Is it true that thick spectacles and putting your head fur into a bun has been out-lawned by the EU? I need to know the answers to all of these questions - and now!

MAX: (crossly)

Well, to respond to your last point I'm afraid the answer is yes - but we've all gone out in protest and wear our back fur in a bun just to stick two claws up at those who rule...

SHY: (supportively)

Too right! Oh, this is fascinating!

MAX: (kindly mocking)

Seriously... I don't know why you ever left the business - you must be the only yeti I know who finds the inner workings of libraries even vaguely interesting...

CHAS: (clearly having thought about this subject for some time)

I mean we love it too, but then we enjoy counting staples and sniffing first editions... It's literally what we do - not just at work but also for fun... You have the eye of a groupie when it comes to these places - I'd say that we're more like slightly over-interested stalkers... Only we shower slightly more often!

MAX: (chipping in)

Well, we'd need to, dear - after all we go on holidays specifically to sift through the dust of ancient encyclopaedias... You need a good scrub after an afternoon spent doing that...

CHAS: (chuckling)

Yes, indeed! We do love our books - there's no doubting that... I expect you remember our wedding?

SHY: (clearly with slightly mixed feeling, but smiling as he speaks)

I do! Didn't the good people from Dewey design your outfits? Now that was quite something... I must say, I've never felt quite the same about "looking up a word in the dictionary" ever since. Still, it really was a special day...

CHAS/MAX: (in unison)

Aww...

SHY: (insistent)

Come on, you two - you must have something juicy to tell me... Something bookish!

CHAS: (unsure)

Well, I guess... Max/ Do you think we'd be allowed to share our story about you-know-what... (he winks)

MAX: (beaming)

Oh... That course we took recently... Yes! Why not?

SHY: (becoming increasingly keen)

A course? A library course?! Golly gosh? What did it involve? Some kind of new classification scheme?

CHAS: (unsure how to put it)

Not exactly... Possibly even more exciting than that even... It's a form of... MAGIC!? Would that be over-playing it, Max?

MAX: (in agreement)

Oh no... No... It really is like magic... Yes, yes... I'd definitely call it that...

SHY: (fascinated)

Oh, good grief! This is amazing... What ever is it called? Do tell...

MAX/CHAS: (in unison)

SHHH STUDIES... 

SHY: (clapping his paws as he queries the spelling)

Two H's? No three?!

MAX/CHAS: (enjoying his enthusiasm)

Yes, three...

SHY:

Oh my! (Fanning self) I don't think I can bear the excitement... Tell me more! How does it work?

CHAS: (thinking through his response)

It's hard to explain... To be honest, you should probably see it in action!! (he turns to his wife)

MAX: (nodding, slightly smirking)

Yes, we can do that... Fancy another drink, Shy? Same again?

SHY: (not realising yet that this is part of the demonstration)

Sure... Yes... That would be nice... Thank you...

CHAS: (whispering as Maxine hurries off)

Just you watch...

SHY DOES JUST THAT AND OBSERVES MAXINE STRIDING CONFIDENTLY TOWARDS THE BAR... THE DISGRUNTLED YAK IS QUITE BUSY NOW AND CHATTER FILLS THE AIR, NOT TO MENTION THE SOUND OF MUSIC FROM THE JUKE BOX... WHEN MAXINE REACHES THE BAR IT IS HARD FOR THE BAR MAN TO HEAR HER AND SO SHE SIGHS, RAISES HER FORE-FINGER AND SHHHHH'S EVERYBODY STANDING THERE... THE WHOLE AREA FALLS SILENT, EVEN THE MUSIC STOPS; CHAS GRINS AND LOOKS BACK AT A SURPRISED SHY...

CHAS: (grinning)

Impressive, aye!?

SHY: (almost unable to believe his own eyes)

Wow!! That was awesome! Do it again! Do it again!! Do it again!!

TIMES PASSES, SO DOES THE LOCATION...

Chas, Maxine and Shy are sitting in a park, enjoying the sun - when, despite all the other grassy space available to them, a group of noisy teens arrive and start kicking a ball around right there in front of the group. After a moment or two Max and Chas stand up and put their fingers to their lips - ushering a loud SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! for all to hear. The kids pause - then start playing again, but this time they tip-toe and do not say a single word...

NEXT WE SEE CHAS, MAXINE AND SHY IN ANOTHER LOCATION...

Chas, Maxine and Shy are wandering around a local zoo - they are enjoying seeing the tigers, the mongoose, the giraffe and the penguins - but every time the animals start to make noises and each time they get SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHed by Max and Chas... As a result the animals line up politely, stop bellowing and allow them all to take photos, posing patiently...

LATER, BACK HOME WHILST THEY ARE EATING A TAKE-OUT CHINESE MEAL...

First we see Max shhhing the microwave which then stops buzzing and goes completely mute - next we see Chas SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHing a boy band who are singing on the television and then look suitably chastised once they hear the command, filing off the screen with their heads bowed in shame. Shy opens a bottle of wine and the cork makes a popping noise and then a glug-glug noise when the contents are poured - Chas and Max shhh it and everything is relaxingly quiet again. Finally, as they all get ready for bed we see a flower growing in a pot and both Chas and Max shhh it - the flower grows more quietly and Shy is just giggling in the background, impressed. He is also shhh-ed and goes miraculously silent... It really *is* magic!!

NEXT DAY, SHY IS ABOUT TO DRIVE HOME AND THE THREE FRIENDS ARE ABOUT TO SAY THEIR FAREWELLS...

SHY: (genuinely sad to be going)

Well, it's been lovely to see you both... Thank you so much for the chinese and for putting me up last night - it was really nice not to have to drive home afterward...

CHAS: (jovial)

Well, we couldn't let you do that... It was no problem! I do hope we didn't freak you out with our magic tricks...

SHY: (still in awe)

No, no... Not at all... I just wish I knew how you did it... The world of librarying has certainly changed since my day!

MAX: (modestly)

There's no real trick to it... Just concentrate and get shushing...

SHY IS STILL CHUCKLING ABOUT THIS IN THE DRIVE HOME - HE IS SO BUSY THINKING ABOUT THE DAY THAT HE DOES NOT NOTICE THAT HE IS GOING SLIGHTLY FASTER THAN HE SHOULD BE - BUT A POLICE MAN DOES AND STOPS HIM IN HIS TRACKS...

OFFICER: (sternly)

Do you realise that you were travelling at 10 miles over the speed limit for this area, Sir? You may think it's not a pedestrian area - but there are squirrels here and some of them will be out nut collecting!

SHY: (apologetically)

I realise that and yes - I'm sorry - I only noticed once I saw your car... I should have been paying more attention!

OFFICER:

And is there anything you'd like to say about that in your defence?

SHY THINKS ABOUT IT FOR A MOMENT AND THEN BEGINS TO SHH...

OFFICER: (grinning)

Was that a SHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!?!

SHY:

Err... No... I'm SHHHURE that I'll just pay the fine and be more alert next time...

OFFICER:

No fine this time, sir... Just a warning... (he pauses and then lowers his tone) I'm not saying that you were - but I do hope you've got a valid Library Association membership card, sir... You do realise that it's a crime to use a shhh without a license; especially if you don't have a valid Library Association membership card... My boyfriend's a librarian, sir - this is how I happen to know these things...

You win some - you lose some, but Shy was certainly very glad that he'd not let out the full SHHHHH in front of the Policeman and he hasn't dared try it out since...

Some may believe that a good shhh never hurt anyone, but apparently you do need the appropriate paperwork!
 
This post and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2016

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Wednesday, May 04, 2016

WHO? ME?! A CAT ON TRIAL...


AN INNOCENT FACE IF EVER THERE WAS ONE... (YEAH, RIGHT!)

Hello beasties!!

This post - our second this week - is a relatively short prose piece which was inspired by Mr Deeley's continuing cheekiness; yet, such lovable cheekiness! He really did tig the second hand of the clock, by the way - even though the clock was at least six foot up... Well, when I say that I don't mean he leapt that high (although he does throw his cat-nip mouse that high) but he did climb on top of the bookshelf which is, at least, that high. He loves a good leap about, does Deeley - not bad for a cat who is nearly eleven and a half!




























































































































Next time I have another Shy Yeti sketch to share with you - this one is all about the magic of libraries!! Oh yes, indeed! Before we move onto to today's prose piece might I remind you of my new script-novel that came out at the weekend...

KENSINGTON GORE focuses on a trio of friends who care-take a mysterious apartment block in the Kensington Gore area of London. They are Katrina, Warren and Lucy (who also featured in THE BEAST OF FRIENDS script-series) and on this occasion their troubles come from a herd of vampire cows and also from an infamous serial killer! New jobs are never easy; especially when you could end up dead!                

Hardback Ed: http://www.lulu.com/shop/paul-chandler/kensington-gore-season-one/hardcover/product-22663909.html £14.99

Paperback Ed: http://www.lulu.com/content/paperback-book/kensington-gore---season-one/18237784 £7.99

If my poetry is more you cup of tea then also, please don't forget - my 12-track "lost" 2012 recording, THE KISS ME QUICK E.P. has just been released on Bandcamp at: https://shyyeti.bandcamp.com/album/the-kiss-me-quick-e-p and is available for just £2. I won't even mention my new collection of poems and stories, A YETI WAY OF THINKING - you must know all about that by now... (Does that count as a mention, maybe just a little one... Oh well!)

That's it for now - more soon - enjoy the up-coming cat business!!

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx

WHO? ME?!

A cheeky but lovable cat addresses human claims of feline mischievousness; accusations as follows:

Found on the top of the book-shelf attempting to tig the second hand on the clock as it ticked by...

Who? Me?

I was helping out! I was just trying to knock the dust off... Not to mention that nobody appears to have noticed that the clocks had changed; I was attempting to set the correct time. Do I get any thanks? No. No, I do not. It's a cat's life - it really is! Exploited... Taken advantage of! You don't get any appreciation - not one little bit... What is worse that isn't even the end of it!!

Over-heard purring flirtatiously at a neighbour and later spotted following them home to eat a sneaky plate of tuna in their back-yard...

Who? Me?

That's a terrible thing to say about someone... Flirting!? Can't a cat just say hello without being accused of trying to elope with a human - I mean, it's usually them who make the initial advances anyway! Two-legged-floozies, that they are! I'll have you know that it was all very innocent - and as for the tuna, surely it would have appeared rude to have said no or turned my back on such a kind offer!? I mean, what would you have done if you'd been offered a plate of choccie biscuits? Ignored them! Ha! I don't believe you...

Witnessed yawning near a small child, without putting his paw over his mouth... A potential health and safety nightmare!

Who? Me?

Before I even begin to defend myself on this one, I would like to query where the parents were? Is is really safe to leave a small child on its own? Should they not be chaperoned? I certainly did not enter its environment; it approached me. I am curious as to what is being inferred by this accusation? What is it? I yawned so hard and so wide that had things been different I might have sucked said creature into some vortex and swallowed it!?! Seriously!?! I'm not actually large enough that a whole human could become lost inside my stomach! Sure, I did have a yawning fit one afternoon not so long ago whilst out in the garden and a reasonably large pot-plant did edge a few meters across the garden towards me - but I was never in danger of swallowing it. I make no comment on the whereabouts of next door's rabbit. That was clearly the work of a greedy fox.


Sighted, poking around in the bins out in the yard - snooping about and reading through old credit card statements...

Who? Me?

I never would - I resent these insinuations, you know... "Snooping!?" As if?! I'll have you know that I was actually trying to clear up the mess left by one of those unruly foxes, as mentioned previously, who live in the area. That said, it is rather interesting how much my human spends on himself compared to how much he spends on me... A new pair of Converse (or two) for him... A couple of tins of CostCutter "best" tinned tuna for me... I see now where his priorities lie! There will be no more sitting on his knee and purring during "Neighbours" for him and far more "being woken up at 3am by me licking him in the eyes..." Just saying!


Discovered torturing a member of the mouse population by issuing violent threats of death...

Who? Me?

What an out-rage?! As if I would do such a thing? What was I supposedly after? I'm certainly not interested in playing with them - not unless it's a cheeky game of crib and I'm not the sort of cat who likes to chew on every passing rodent! I'm no psycho? So what else could I have been after? Their cheese?! Nonsense! Don't you know that I have a dairy allergy... I only ever drink soya and cheese gives me both wind and a  rash! **What you might have heard was not me giving the young mouse some manner of threatening mew but actually me singing - yes, SINGING!! To be precise I was rocking the little fella to sleep by singing it a rather lovely and gentle lullaby... May I remind you that due to my human's unreasonable behaviour I was sent down to the vet when just a kitten and I have never been able to have a family of my own... The occasional mice or injured bird that comes my way are the nearest thing that I have to children - to family of my own... I do not attempt to adopt them - but usher them back to where they belong in the hope that they might one day come back to me... I am happy to foster any such individual who might be homeless... Again, rumours that I invite them to come lay down and sleep on my tongue are just further examples of anti-feline prejudice.

Witnessed, out in the neighbours yard at 2am, staring at a strange cat. Ignored all calls and had to be chased back into the house by his angry bare-footed human. The same thing happened AGAIN the following morning.

Who? Me?

Sure, I accept that I'm a house-cat and am happy with that and I appreciate being allowed to sit in the yard because it can be quite a busy area. I can explain my behaviour partly due to the influence of the moon and also I saw a cat who owed me money. I'm terribly sorry I didn't come when called - I had my earphones in. I had my Atomic Kitten Best Of collection playing. It's my very favourite. When you saw me the next day I believe I was sleep-walking. I mean, I had been up late - not of my own choice, mind - again I blame the moon again. Oh, and listening to too much Atomic Kitten...

Viewed - attempting to sort through the cheese selection in the fridge... with his teeth!!

Who? Me?

Now I won't deny it - some cats do like cheese, but not me... I'm more into salami - but there was none of that left... I mean... I was actually attempting to tidy up - much as I was with the litter bin out in the yard, as accused earlier... If you want to know who was really responsible for the missing cheese then all I can do is point a claw towards a friend of mine... Now I don't like to grass people up - but neither do I like to be accused of doing things that I haven't done... So who is the guilty party? Well, his name is Cyril and it's a real no-brainer when you realise that he is actually a mouse... Yes! A cat-nip mouse, mind - but what's the difference!? A cat-nip mouse is just a mouse who attempts to addle cats brains by smelling so... so... catnippy! The number of cats who have done bad things under the influence of cat-nip is simply amazing and yet humans simply don't realise! I mean - they often bring the stuff into the the house themselves and then act surprised when something odd has happened... Not me, mind - but some felines do quite outrageous things...

JUDGE:

Which brings us to the final charge...

Photographed... Perched on the very top of the Christmas tree...

Who? Me?

No, sir... That wasn't me... As I said, no doubt some poor kitty was under the influence of cat-nip... But can you blame them! It was Christmas... I do admit that it does look a little like me... But no... Surely not... I mean... Those do look like my legs... I'm not sure I carry off the whole fairy-look that well - although sure, the wings and halo kind of suit me - I'm just not sure about the tutu. The wand looks good too. Oh, that's not a wand. Okay! You know, I think a better option, had I been a little less blotto, would have been to have dressed as the star... Still, I guess I look okay... Can I get a print of that one, your honour? It would be nice to send it to mother, maybe... No?

JUDGE:

THIS CAT IS GUILTY!! SENTENCED TO SIX MONTHS HARD LABOUR, OTHER-WISE KNOWN AS HOOVERING... DON'T DO IT AGAIN! BAD PUSS!! COURT DISMISSED.

This post and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2016. All photos taken by Paul Chandler, except for the penultimate one - by Toby Warburton.

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