Sunday, May 01, 2016

KENSINGTON GORE - SEASON ONE IS HERE!!!

KENSINGTON GORE - SEASON 1 RELEASED!


Hello beasties!

As of today the first season of KENSINGTON GORE is released - my second script series of 2016! It's time to celebrate... Okay, well - you've not read it yet - so maybe it's a bit soon; but I'll be in a corner somewhere celebrating with Deeley, as I'm just very pleased that it's out there and available! *launches some doves and a balloon or two*

KENSINGTON GORE focuses on a trio of friends who care-take a mysterious apartment block in the Kensington Gore area of London. They are Katrina, Warren and Lucy (who also featured in THE BEAST OF FRIENDS script-series) and on this occasion their troubles come from a herd of vampire cows and also from an infamous serial killer! New jobs are never easy; especially when you could end up dead!                

Hardback Ed: http://www.lulu.com/shop/paul-chandler/kensington-gore-season-one/hardcover/product-22663909.html £14.99

Paperback Ed: http://www.lulu.com/content/paperback-book/kensington-gore---season-one/18237784 £7.99


Coming up next are some extracts from the new series. I hope they work as a tantalising glimpse of what's in store - without giving too much away!

EXTRACT FROM SCRIPT ONE:

VAMPIRE COWS MAKE VERY BAD PETS...


WARREN: (not sounding too pleased)

I’m not planning on a late night! Anyway, I’ve been thinking… Mother told me recently that most vampires have a way of resisting the sun… Is she right?

KATRINA: (in agreement, but disapproving)

She is indeed – certainly from what I’ve heard… It’s progress – for them, not us!

WARREN:

But your cows; they’re not going to be quite so technologically advanced, I take it?

KATRINA:

No… I don’t suppose so… Are you trying to say that they’ll come home when the sun comes up? Because if you are then I’m afraid you’ve forgotten something…

WARREN: (curious)

Oh yes and what’s that then?

KATRINA:

Well, they’re not fully vampire any more – in fact they’re as good as back to normal except for the odd half-hearted attempt at turning themselves into bats…

WARREN:

Well, one way or another we still need to round up the herd…

KATRINA: (thoughtfully, in agreement)

For sure! We’ll do it… But maybe it is going to be too dark to look properly now – I think perhaps we should come back at dawn and try and round up the cows then…

WARREN:

That sounds a much better idea! Just as long as they don’t chew anyone over-night!

KATRINA: (slightly irritated)

Don’t be silly… No! None of them have fangs… They can cause no harm…

WARREN: (sounding confident)

Okay! If you say so… You know best! (mutters) I hope you know best…

THE TWO WALK AWAY AND WE SEE THE PARK AT DUSK – ONE OF THE VAMPIRE COWS STANDS EATING IN THE MOONLIGHT AND AS IT DOES SO HER GUMS UNDERGO A RAPID TRANSFORMATION – SHE IS NO LONGER WITHOUT HER FANGS FOR THEY HAVE COMPLETELY GROWN BACK…

COW: (bovinely)
MOOOO! MOOOOO! MOO! MOO! MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!


EXTRACT FROM SCRIPT THREE:

THAT MAN'S MAKING EYES AT ME


DOWN BY THE SERPENTINE WARREN AND KATRINA ARE RELIEVED TO FIND THE AREA WHERE THE COWS ARE COMPLETELY DESERTED...

WARREN: (wrinkling his nose in disgust)

Oh my goodness… I think I trod in something nasty…

KATRINA: (growing increasingly nervous)

Don’t think about it… Come on… They seem calm enough – let’s herd them home! They can’t fly there because they’ve all had their wings docked… Although I must admit – they do appear to be growing them back at rather a rapid speed…

COWS: (in unison): MMMMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

KATRINA: (speaking to the cows)

Yes… Thank you… I hear you… Let’s just get you back somewhere safe…

WARREN: (curious/excited)

Do you actually understand them, Katrina?

KATRINA: (slightly impatiently)

What do you take me for? Doctor Doolittle? No, I don’t… I’m busking it…

WARREN:

So… What you were saying earlier… Has somebody actually done this to these cows? Turned back what you reversed so they are back being dangerous again…

KATRINA:

Something like that… Although I have no idea how stable they are – or unstable I should probably say… Oh dear! Come on now girls… Let’s keep going…

WARREN: (growing concerned again)

Oh blimey… This isn’t good… Look ahead… This is the last thing we need right now – what are we going to do about this? Eden is going to murder us!

KATRINA LOOKS UP AND COMING TOWARDS THEM DOWN THE ROAD, ABOUT TO PARK IN THE ADJACENT CAR PARK IS THE SAME COACH THAT LUCY RECENTLY SAW PASSING BY THE ROYAL ALBERT HALL. SUDDENLY THE COWS BECOME AGITATED – THEY ARE NO LONGER HEADING THE WAY THAT KATRINA AND WARREN WERE TRYING TO DIRECT THEM, BUT INSTEAD ARE NOW COMING STRAIGHT FOR THE COACH OF TOURISTS…

COWS: MMMMMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

EXTRACT FROM SCRIPT FIVE:

EVEN THE GUILTY ARE INNOCENT SOMETIMES


MEANWHILE ELSEWHERE… KATRINA AND DR MATT AND THEIR DRIVER ARE TRAVELLING IN ONE OF TWO BIG LORRIES FULL OF COWS… KATRINA AND MATT ARE SITTING UP BACK SO ARE ABLE TO KEEP AN EYE ON THE COWS, ALTHOUGH THEY HAVE LIMITED VISION OF WHERE THEY ARE – STILL, THERE IS EVEN A MINI-KITCHEN, WHICH IS RATHER NICE…

KATRINA: (her voice trembling slightly)

Well, there is no denying it – this is a sad day; but it’s definitely for the best…

DR MATT: (reassuring)

You’re doing the sensible thing – the only option we really have… We’ll get these cows well again, that’s the main thing – important for the cows and important for the tourists of London who we don’t want becoming their innocent victims…

KATRINA: (sadly)

It makes them sound so very cruel when you put it that way; but they don’t know what they’re doing! I’m still concerned that we don’t know who re-infected them!

DR MATT: (sounding deadly serious)

That’s understandable… You need to be careful if you want to investigate that though – not only might it lose you your job, but it could get you killed…

KATRINA: (slightly cockily)

I am a witch, you know… Nobody can just kill me – I’d put a spell on you…

DR MATT: (playfully)

What if they crept up behind you? Or pounced on you whilst you were sleeping?

KATRINA: (pretending to be insulted)

I’d know! I have witches intuition! Every witch has it…

DR MATT: (distracted)

That’s odd…

KATRINA:

What is? That a witch would have intuition? No… It’s perfectly normal! In fact I probably have women’s intuition too – women’s intu-witch-tion, if you like!

DR MATT: (laughing, but distant)

That’s an appalling pun, Katy… No… I actually meant – why have we stopped?

KATRINA: (dreamily)

We have? Traffic jam, maybe… Perhaps you should go and check with Robbo – that’s the driver, right? Whilst you’re there will you also ask if he’s single, please?

DR MATT: (slightly wary)

I think he is, yes… (Katrina makes an excited face) His wife ran off with the milkman… I believe it was the lure of discount yoghurts what did it in the end…

KATRINA:

Fair enough, I suppose! I’d do it for as much free double cream as I could bathe in!

DR MATT: (pretending to be disgusted)

Eww! Katrina…You’re nasty… Was that a euphemism? Isn’t double cream lumpy?

KATRINA: (laughing)

What? Why? No, it wasn’t a euphemism! I like my cream stiff, I’ll have you know!

MATT GOES TO THE FRONT OF THE VAN TO SEE WHY THEY HAVE STOPPED – IT IS STILL DAYLIGHT, BUT THEY ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE. THERE IS NO SIGN OF ROBBO – HIS DOOR STANDS OPEN… MATT PEEKS OUT AND IS SHOCKED TO SEE ROBBO BEING HELD AT GUN-POINT BY A MAN WEARING A MOTOR-CYCLE HELMET. THERE IS SHOUTING AND ROBBO TRIES TO ESCAPE… A GUN-FIRES AND HE FALLS TO THE GROUND, DEAD… MATT BACKS AWAY FEARFULLY – ABOUT TO WARN KATRINA WHEN ANOTHER MAN IN A HELMET APPEARS BEHIND HIM, RAISES HIS GUN AND CLUBS MATT ROUGHLY TO THE GROUND…

ANONYMOUS HI-JACKER: (looming over the cowering doctor)

We’re here for the cows – we hope you don’t object – there’s no sense in anyone important getting hurt; but we’re proud to take ownership of these mooing beasts!

KATRINA: (watching angrily from the shadows)

So… You think you can just take my cows… Then you’ve another thing coming, Mister… Bring it on… You’re no match for me – whoever you are…

THE TRUCK STARTS UP – THE MAN WHO SHOT ROBBO IS DRIVING AND HE CLIPS THE BODY AS THEY LEAVE – WE SEE IT DISAPPEAR OVER A RISE – BUT EVEN FROM A DISTANCE WE HEAR THE MOOING OF THE COWS…

Don't forget - my 12-track "lost" 2012 recording, THE KISS ME QUICK E.P. has just been released on Bandcamp at: https://shyyeti.bandcamp.com/album/the-kiss-me-quick-e-p and is available for just £2.

I was only going to post twice a week during April - but I still have a slight backlog, so let's see how things go until I go away at the end of the month. With that in mind I am pleased to be able to announce that next time - probably Wednesday - I intend to share with you some new prose... All I am saying is that our next post is cat-related and that the post after that will most probably be another Shy Yeti sketch...

More soon!

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx

P.S. Before we go - just an update on where I stand on some of my other writing projects.

SHY YETI PROJECTS UPDATE - MAY 2016:

Books published today: 

KENSINGTON GORE - SEASON 1 

Books in formatting: 

HOT STUFF - 2, KENSINGTON GORE - 2, BEAST OF FRIENDS - MOVIE

Books awaiting formatting: 

HOT STUFF - SEASON 3, KENSINGTON GORE - SEASON 3

Books currently being written: 

HOT STUFF!! SEASON 4, THE SHY YETI SKETCH-BOOK

HOT STUFF!! SEASON 4 is almost completed in first draft and THE SHY YETI SKETCH-BOOK is a new collection of scripts about Shy Yeti - some of which have already been published on this blog. I am aiming to release a collection of these later in the year.

Pending projects: 

The next Mouse Of Commons book of short stories and novel... Date of publishing: Unknown.

Future projects: 

SHY YETI'S GRRR-EASTEST HITS, GETTING BLOGGY WITH SHY YETI

The first is a revised and compiled volume of all my favourite self-written poems over the last 25 years and the second is an on-going projects of new poems and stories as published on this blog between January 2015 and December 2016. Both projects will hopefully be released in Spring 2017.

I am also soon to begin work on HOT STUFF!! SEASON 5 and KENSINGTON GORE - SEASON 4

Projects published in 2016, so far: 

HOT STUFF - SEASON 1, A YETI WAY OF THINKING, THE KISS-ME-QUICK E.P.
This post and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2016.

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

OUR WIMBLEDON PHOTOSHOOT!!!

ANOTHER CHANCE TO SHOW OFF ALL THE NEW BOOKLINGS!

Hello beasties!

This time it's mostly going to be photos that I took recently of my two latest books - it's a photo-shoot, right? Wow... Self-publishing is so glamorous, isn't it? I bet you're wondering what food my publishers laid on during the photo-shoot, aren't you? Well, I can officially announce that the catering was as follows: 1 packet of ready salted Hula Hoops and a packet of Fruit Pastilles. I mean, I paid for them myself - Lulu.com didn't finance any of that at all and neither did I expect them to... As I say... Self-publishing... It's the last word in glamour... The very LAST word!!

The photos on this post were all taken around lunchtime on Friday 18th March 2016, on Wimbledon Common, having spent most of the morning in St George's having my feet seen to. This was the same week as I released A YETI WAY OF THINKING and in preparation for the publishing of KENSINGTON GORE - SEASON 1. It wasn't the sunniest or warmest of days - unlike Wednesday and Thursday that week, but it was the only day I had some time - what with engineering work coming up at the weekend; so I thought I'd get out there and take some photos anyway! I really needed to stretch my legs!
 
Whilst the books smarten themselves up, here are some photos of me pulling daft faces... As usual!

The rest of the post is just photos of the baby books scampering around the trees on the common! They really are very frisky, you know!!

Anyway - as I have been promising for quite some time, next week I should be releasing my next script-novel with you, KENSINGTON GORE - SEASON 1, which we've been talking about quite a lot on the blog recently; take a look back over the last couple of weeks if you've missed all that; it's all still there!



There is another post coming this week - it's a daft little sketch about naughty cats... The post after that, on Sunday 1st May KENSINGTON GORE is finally released and there will be a few extracts from some of the episodes - but no major spoilers, I promise! Enough to draw you in though, I hope!

Don't forget - my "lost" 12-track KISS ME QUICK E.P. has just been released on Bandcamp at: https://shyyeti.bandcamp.com/album/the-kiss-me-quick-e-p and is available for just £2.

More soon - yeti hugs,

Paul xx

All content, including the photos are copyright, Paul Chandler 2016.