Sunday, April 03, 2016

EXTRA! EXTRA! THERE IS NO APRIL FOOL LIKE A FURRY FOOL...

COMING UP IN APRIL - AN EXTRA BIT OF YETI...

Hello beasties!

Now don't quote me on it - but I may be posting more than once a week during April... I have quite a bit to share with you regarding my new script-novel, KENSINGTON GORE - but I've also written a few short prose pieces, a poem and an increasing number of yeti sketches... The rate that I am going at the moment if I only post once a week then I'll have enough posts to last well into June - and there are things that I know are happening in June that I need to post about then! At any rate, it also makes up for me nattering on about my next book when you may just prefer silliness instead.

I won't stop - but, as I say - I may well be back mid-week with a new poem about a cat; sooner rather than later!

Enjoy the daft yeti sketch! What HAS the yeti been up to now?

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx
 
SHY YETI IS AN APRIL FOOL...

In which Shy Yeti is an April Fool and it isn't even the first of the month...

The following extract is from a Police recording that was made on Saturday the 2nd of April 2016.

Wimbledon Police Station...

OFFICER: (all very officially)

Mr Yeti do you understand why you have been brought in for questioning today...

SHY: (sounding a little vague)

I believe that I have been accused of causing a disturbance...

OFFICER: (politely, but trying to hide his impatience)

May I request that you cease mumbling and speak more clearly into the microphone, please sir...

SHY: (apologetic)

So sorry! I was just polishing off a slice of fruit cake that your assistant provided with my cup of tea...

OFFICER: (disapproving, slightly sarcastically)

How ironic, considering your recent debacle at the local bakers - I would have thought you would have wanted to keep away from any species of pastries...

SHY: (surprised)

Why ever would I want to do that, officer?

OFFICER: (shaking his head, seriously)

I think that your actions rather speak for themselves, Mr Yeti... Have you ever considered re-hab?

SHY: (mutters)

Have you ever considered finishing school, officer? Your manners really are appalling!

OFFICER: (patiently)

It was not my intention to offend, sir... I only wished to point out that you might benefit from some manner of counselling or nasal awareness classes...

SHY: (confused, distracted)

Nasal what, now?

OFFICER: (gently)

I was merely attempting to point out that your nose does have a tendency to get you into trouble...

SHY: (dismissively)

I really have no idea what you're on about, officer...

OFFICER: (reading from his notes)

I have a report here from a Dr Magda from St George's, Tooting - it's dated 24th March 2016, less than two weeks ago... Do you have any idea what it might concern?

SHY:

Remind me...

OFFICER:

You had an emergency appointment with Dr Magda due to nasal congestion... When they examined you they found two cup cakes and a bouquet of daffodils...

SHY: (distant, dreamily)

Oh! But they smell so lovely at this time of year - I couldn't help myself... The flowers, I mean - I have no idea where the cupcakes came from, they were probably just snacks that I was keeping there for a rainy day; my nostrils are really quite large and perfect for the storage of such items.

OFFICER: (sighing before continuing)

That's as may be - only you never actually paid for the daffodils...

SHY: (somewhat patronisingly)

I believe I passed out, as it happens, officer... Of course I would be only too happy to reimburse the stall-holder for any trouble caused; perhaps he might consider keeping his wares behind bars or glass from now on... They are terribly yummy of smell - no wonder the bees can't resist them...

OFFICER: (equally as patronising in return) 

Have you never heard of self-control?

SHY: (playing stupid)

No indeed, what ever is it? A cologne?

OFFICER: (ignoring him and continuing)

I have another report here...

SHY: (jumping in, defensively)

If it's anything to do with the time I was found basking in a swimming pool of melted ice cream then I'd like to remind you that I was on property belonging to my good friend, Simon. You can ask Charlie Grrr, he was there...

OFFICER: (chuckling slightly)

Really, I wouldn't try using Mr Grrr as a character witness... His crimes to both food, fashion and music would probably stretch between here and the moon?

SHY: (misunderstanding and seeming quite enthused)

Really? You think so? I must tell him - he'll be so pleased! That must be some kind of record...

OFFICER: (appearing unmoved and simply continuing)

Most probably, yes... I think we should probably move on - we don't seem to be making much progress... Mr Yeti... May I ask if you have any recall of the events that have led to you being questioned here today?

SHY: (acting unsure)

At the Wimbledon bakery?

OFFICER: (nodding)

Indeed...

SHY: (thinking for a moment before replying)

Well... If I remember correctly I fell...slipped, even... into a large steak and mushroom pie as it was being taken out of the oven...

OFFICER: (genuinely concerned)

That must have been very hot!

SHY: (again misunderstanding)

Oh yes, very sexy - very sexy indeed...

OFFICER: (attempting to explain himself)

I was referring to the contents of the pie - was the gravy not bubbling from the heat?

SHY: (nodding thoughtfully)

A little, maybe - my fur protects me pretty well and I suppose I've become almost used to it now, over time...

OFFICER: (raising an eyebrow)

This is not the first time that this has happened, I presume?

SHY: (proudly)

You're right... In fact, it's become quite a party piece... Some years ago I even published a book on the subject... PIES AND PUDDINGS THAT I HAVE FALLEN INTO AND THE YETI WHO LOVE THEM...

OFFICER: (becoming curious)

It sounds enticing... So, might you have been researching for a second volume when you fell into this particular pie?

SHY: (slightly bashful)

Officer! REALLY!? I couldn't possibly comment...

OFFICER: (giving up slightly, keen to conclude)

Perhaps we should wrap this up now before it gets out of hand... I merely wish you to reassure me that you won't be entering, uninvited, into any bakeries in the near future... Can't you just order your baked pastry goods on line and get them delivered like normal people do?

SHY: (surprised)

I thought only posh people did that... 

OFFICER: (not meaning any offence)

Well, I would certainly describe you as seeming quite posh, sir...

SHY: (quite blasé)

That's just because I was sent to elocution lessons when I was little... Oh, and I washed my fur last night, so I probably smell quite nice, for a change...

OFFICER: (mumbling)

Indeed you do...

SHY: (yammering on)

So kind... What were we saying? Oh... Supermarkets... You were suggesting that I order my shopping online rather than visiting the bakery in person; I didn't realise that this was such a common practice! Don't most people still just go into the shop, dragging half their family of screaming bratlings, their siblings, their mother-in-law - maybe the post-man and occasionally the neighbour's dog along with them? 

OFFICER: (kindly)

It does seem that way sometimes, doesn't it, sir? It also sounds like as a good a reason as any to avoid the shops altogether...

SHY: (lowering his voice in confession)

Perhaps you're right... I admit... I do find myself terribly tempted by the smell of bubbling cherry juices or beef gravy...

OFFICER: (joking playfully)

Not both in the same pie, I hope, sir...

SHY: (laughing)

You eat your pies and I'll eat mine... 

OFFICER: (concluding)

This is what I've been saying all along... I'm so glad you finally see things my way, Mr Yeti...

SHY: (smiling, glancing at his watch)

Yes... Well, that's as maybe... Just don't judge... One person's weird flavour concoction is another's tipper-topper-most favourite... Please remember that?!

OFFICER: (cheekily)

I will, sir... Just as long as you remember to keep from falling into pies from now on...

SHY: (coyly)

I'll do my best... Except for any scheduled visits, as it were...

OFFICER: (nodding, then continuing - sounding slightly embarrassed)

Yes, well - as long as you don't let any of those incidents get out of hand... Thank you... Oh... Whilst I think of it... You wouldn't happen to have a copy of that book of yours that you mentioned earlier, would you? 

SHY:

PIES AND PUDDINGS THAT I HAVE FALLEN INTO AND THE YETI WHO LOVE THEM?

OFFICER: (delicately)

That's the one... It's just that I have a... friend... who I think might find it quite enticing...

SHY: (quite pleased by the interest)

I'm sure I can find a copy for you... I'll even sign it for... your friend, officer... Who should I sign it to?

OFFICER: (slightly flustered)

PC George Furguson... I mean,.. Just George will do...

SHY:

Fabulous! Oh... Excuse me now... I think I might be about to sneeze... Ah... Ahhhh... Ahh chooo!!

THE OFFICER ATTEMPTS TO DUCK, BUT IS NOT QUICK ENOUGH... WHAT APPEARS TO BE A LARGE MUSHROOM SHOOTS FROM SHY'S NOSE AND HITS THE OFFICER RIGHT IN THE FACE... HE SEEMS MORE SHOCKED THAN HURT!

SHY: (apologetic)

Oh! I'm terribly sorry... I didn't get you in the eye, did I?

OFFICER: (brushing himself down)

No... No... That's fine... I'm fine! Would you like it back?

SHY: (slightly unsure)

I wouldn't mind... It must have got lodged there when I fell in the pie, back at the bakery... I suppose, strictly speaking, I've not paid for it... Do you think I should return it?

OFFICER: (a little awkwardly - getting to his feet)

I'm sure they won't mind if you kept it; considering where it's been for the last few hours! (he hands it back, quickly) I guess you could call it a form of payment, at any rate - it will probably have been good for business for the bakery to have had such a celebrity falling into one of their pies...

SHY: (all very innocent)

A celebrity? Who? Me? Oh, you are kind... Well, I better be going... I won't forget to send you that book, George old chap... So sorry about the whole sneezing business... Enjoy the rest of your day!

WITH THAT SHY YETI PUTS HIS COAT BACK ON, GIVES A MERRY LITTLE SALUTE AND HEADS OFF ON HIS WAY... ONCE THE YETI HAS GONE THE OFFICER PICKS UP THE PHONE AND THEN DIALS - IT DOESN'T TAKE LONG FOR SOMEONE TO ANSWER THE CALL...

OFFICER: (enthusiastically)

Bobby! It's me! You'll never guess who I just got sneezed on by! That SHY YETI... Yes! A mushroom shot out of one of his nostrils and hit me squarely in the eye! I can barely see! Still, it was kind of amazing, in a way... Exciting, even! I brought him in for questioning after an incident at the bakery - he claimed to have slipped into one of their pies... What do you mean you don't know who Shy Yeti is... Where have you been all your life? You know what, Bobby... I don't know why I bother with you sometimes... Really, I don't...

THE END...

PARTING NOTE:

Hello again beasties! Thank you for reading! Fact fans might like to know that I did actually sneeze just after writing the bit where Shy Yeti sneezes; thankfully a big mushroom did not shoot out of my nose... I think it was a stalk of broccoli on this occasion! Anyway! This piece was written in two sittings - on the train and during a break at work on Friday 1st April 2016, with a little re-working done just before it was posted. As promised, I'll be back some time in the week - with one post or other... Bye for now! Paul xx 

This post and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2016.

Labels: , , , , ,

Monday, March 28, 2016

A MOVING (TRUE) STORY!?!

SHY YETI WRITES A MUSICAL: A SKETCH...

Hello beasties!

...And now, this week - in place of the originally scheduled blog-post we share with you now a true story - it's not an April Fool at all, I promise - it's a true story, presented as a sketch - and it goes a little like this...

Picture the scene...

*SHY YETI WAITS PATIENTLY IN THE RECEPTION AREA OF LORDS AND LADIES THEATRICAL PUBLISHINGS SONS AND CO LIMITED*

RECEPTIONIST: (politely)

You can go in, sir... Mr Lords will see you now!

SHY YETI: (sincerely)

Thank you... Thank you most kindly.

*SHY YETI GETS TO HIS PAWS AND THEN ENTERS THE OFFICE... MR LORDS, A RATHER LARGE GENTLEMAN DRESSED AS A SHOW GIRL SITS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE TABLE*

MR LORDS: (almost too enthusiastically)

Ah! Mr Yeti, I presume... How delightful to meet you...

SHY YETI: (irritatingly keen)

No... No... It's my pleasure - really it is...

MR LORDS:

I know... Listen now... You may be wondering why I've called you here... Well, I'd be happy to explain... You see, you have been highly recommended to me by my good friend, Charlie Grrr... We are in desperate need of a big new West End musical and apparently you are the one to speak to when an idea is required in double-quick time... We need something that is already written and that can go to stage within the next few weeks - our original option has completely fallen through... Charlie tells me that you've got hundreds of unwritten plays and musicals stored away for potential use...

SHY YETI: (relaxing finally)

Good gracious! So that's it... I do, indeed... For a minute there I thought you'd called me in to catalogue a book or hypnotise a pensioner or something... I got in terrible trouble the last time I tried that... I didn't mean any harm, only her pet Spaniel was complaining that their owner was snoring too loudly... That poor lady... She spent the rest of her days thinking that she was a Glam-rock star... of course, the upside was that she did pretty well on the 70s revival circuit... Anyway, it's a relief...
 
MR LORDS: (trying not to lose patience)
 
Yes, well - I can see how it probably would be... Most distressing... Anyway... Moving on... Do you think you can help me? You'll be well paid, of course - all the pies you can eat and then more...
 
SHY YETI: (happy to help)
 
Sure! Sure! Charlie was right, yes - it is true about my store of ready written scripts... I'm pretty confident that I have something that you'll be able to use - I really am full of ideas - the only thing is...

MR LORDS: (sympathetically)

A lot of your ideas are extremely silly!?

SHY YETI: (surprised but agreeing)

Well, yes... If not extremely silly then most certainly ever-so daft... How did you know?

MR LORDS:

Mr Charlie did warn us that this might be the case - but he suggested that there might be something more appropriate for our purposes if you took something that you have meticulously listed in your notebook of finished musical scripts based on slightly dull ideas...

SHY YETI: (brightening)

Why... Why, yes - I suppose I could do that...

*SHY YETI TAKES OUT HIS BRIEFCASE, WHICH HE WASN'T CARRYING EARLIER, BUT WHICH HE NOW APPEARS TO HAVE WITH HIM... HE OPENS IT UP AND TAKES OUT A LITTLE NOTE-BOOK WHICH IS, INDEED, ENTITLED "FINISHED MUSICAL SCRIPTS BASED ON SLIGHTLY DULL IDEAS..."*

MR LORDS: (with encouragement)

Please Yeti... Do share some of these more ordinary thoughts with me, if you will...

SHY YETI: (becoming quite excitable)

Certainly, Mr Lords - I'd be glad to... But are you sure you really want a slightly dull idea? I wrote a champion synopsis for a musical the other week... My solitary concern being that it's a bit similar to "Cats", only my script is about badgers... Badgers who talk - sing - work in supermarkets - have heart-breaks and occasionally embezzle company funds before taking long holidays skiing in Switzerland...

MR LORDS: (kindly)

It does sound very interesting, Mr Yeti - but I still think I'd prefer to see one of your duller ideas...

SHY YETI: (reluctantly at first)

Oh... Very well... So, I have one here all about commuters waiting for their trains to arrive...

MR LORDS: (mutters)

Blimey... That IS dull...

SHY YETI: (slightly indignantly)

Well, that is what you asked for...

MR LORDS: (doubtful)

Yes... Yes... Fair enough... But is that it? Just commuters - standing there...

SHY YETI: (trying to give it some spin)

Well, they are all quite different - the characters, I mean... One of them is a chiropodist...

MR LORDS: (sounding more interested)

Oh yes? A chiropodist, you say - well, I must admit that this is beginning to sound quite promising...

SHY YETI: (beaming)

The big twist is that their trains are delayed...

MR LORDS:

Ah yes... I imagine there are all manner of songs that can be written concerning the trauma of delayed trains... What happens then? Do some of the commuters fall in love?

SHY YETI: (slightly apologetically)

Alas, no... Their trains never come and they eventually die on the platform and are pecked to pieces by hungry seagulls... It's all pretty tragic when you think about it - I had envisaged it as a comedy...

MR LORDS: (beginning to change his mind)

Well, of course... It all sounds very interesting - but maybe just a tad ambitious...

SHY YETI: (nodding as he reflects)

Well, I'll admit that the last ten minutes when the aliens invade could be a bit on the expensive side to stage...

MR LORDS: (moving on, slightly impatiently)

Yes, indeed - and I'm not sure it's for us... I'm sorry... Would you have something else, perhaps?

SHY YETI: (trying to remain positive)

Of course... Well, this one might suit you... It's pretty dull, which I know is what you are looking for...

MR LORDS: (retaining a fixed smile)

Absolutely! So, what exactly does it concern, Yeti?

SHY YETI:

Coffee... Coffee shops, actually... Well, a café I suppose you could say... It sells some delicious tortilla and the odd scone or two - has very nice flowers on every table...

MR LORDS:

That sounds more like set design than a plot description...

SHY YETI:

Well yes - although I take it that you don't require TOO much plot...

MR LORDS: (glancing down at his specification notes)

Some plot, yes - within reason - it's a delicate balance...

SHY YETI: (continuing to detail the background)

Well, this musical involves a gentleman who visits a coffee shop for three weeks during a change in his normal routine... This new coffee shop is very efficient, very polite and they always remember his order...

MR LORDS: (hopeful)

How splendid!...And do they sing some nice songs too?

SHY YETI: (sounding quite proud)

One or two, yes... There's a whole ten minute sequence where all the cast dress as lattes and dance with some life-sized Danish pastries...

MR LORDS: (his enthusiasm is beginning to be tested)

Riiiiiggggghhhhtttt... And then?

SHY YETI: (confidently, then nervously after the pause)

At the end of the three weeks the gentleman decides that he must tell the couple who run the café that he won't be coming back because... he is no longer robbing houses in that district...

MR LORDS: (shocked)

Doing WHAT!? He's a criminal? I thought he was a business man or somesuch...

SHY YETI: (gingerly)

Oh no... He is definitely a cat burglar... Actually, a cannibalistic telepathic cat burglar from Mars - but you needn't focus too closely on all that if it doesn't sit well with you...
   
MR LORDS: (sounding desperate)

Oh dear - really - I do think it's perhaps a little ambitious for West End tastes... I'd like to suggest a rewrite, but we need something ready to go, we just don't have the time... Please, Yeti - you are our last hope here... Might you have something a little more... sedate?

*SHY YETI FLICKS THROUGH HIS LITTLE BOOK OF SLIGHTLY DULL IDEAS AND STOPS SOMEWHERE NEAR THE BACK - LOOKING THOUGHTFUL BEFORE HE SPEAKS*

SHY YETI: (speaking slowly, delicately)

I have one here about a lady who doesn't celebrate major religious holidays...

MR LORDS: (concerned)

Is she from Mars, this lady? Does she eat people or steal from them?

SHY YETI: (positively)

Not in any draft that I've written, she's not - I can assure you of that...

MR LORDS: (worried)

I'm happy to hear it, quite frankly... So, what does she do, exactly? Just sit there and do the crossword whilst not celebrating any major religious holidays?

SHY YETI: (waffling on)

That's right... Yes... She watches the news and makes a sandwich just before the interval and then speaks to her mother on the phone during the second half... Oh, and obviously it's a musical - so she occasionally hums and also sings as she puts together a shopping list; although to be fair her ability to hold a tune is no great shakes, but you can't have everything now, can you?

MR LORDS: (calmer having heard all this)

Well no, no - I suppose not... So, that's it... There's nothing you haven't told me about the plot?

SHY YETI:

Well no, no - I don't think so... Oh... Except she has flashbacks - the lady, I mean - her name is Stanley, by the way...

MR LORDS:

Right... And these flashbacks?

SHY YETI:

Take her back to her childhood when she accidentally poisoned the nanny with an off fish-finger and then set fire to a nun... Oh, and she shoots a vicar in the very last act - but he forgives her before he dies... Only the aliens DON'T forgive her and the earth is destroyed in a terrible cycling accident...
 
MR LORDS: (relieved)
 
Right... Well... That all sounds fine to me, I was just worried it was going to be another one of your daft ideas...

SHY YETI: (chirpily)

No... No... Not at all... I kept that one pretty simple... I call it EVERYDAY IS THE SAME - A STORY OF LONELINESS...

MR LORDS: (airily)

You wouldn't mind if we retitled it TITS, would you? It's just that we need something short and punchy to draw an audience in...

SHY YETI: (lightly)

No... Sure... That's fine... I think it still sums up the basic ethos of the piece...

MR LORDS: (very pleased)

Yes... I agree... Well, that's marvellous, Yeti! I think we can do business! Let's shake on it...

*SHY YETI DOES A LITTLE DANCE AND THE WHOLE WORLD APPLAUDS... SADLY SOME ALIENS DESTROY THE EARTH BY BELCHING TOO LOUDLY AND SO, ALAS, "TITS" NEVER GETS PERFORMED AFTER-ALL...*




A moving story, I think you'll all agree... Anyway, next week I'll either be sharing with you a new poem or discussing something entirely different... We'll see! Exciting, isn't it?

More soon!

Paul xx

P.S. Although I took the photos I would like to thank Toby for making the scrumptious food that appears in them. *drools a bit* Oh, sorry...

This post and all contents are copyright Paul Chandler, 2016.

Labels: , , , , ,