Tuesday, January 16, 2018

MY LAST POEM OF 2017? MY FIRST POEM OF 2018?

 A VERSE OVER SEVEN YEARS IN THE MAKING!!


Hello beasties!

This week I'll be sharing with you my first poem of 2018 - although strictly speaking it was my last poem of 2017; not that I've written many new ones in the last 12 months... Having said that I do feel like 2017 was quite a poetic year as I presented a good number of them during the 90 or so episodes of the podcast that I released - many of these poems I'd never performed previously at shows. It's nice to preserve them in an audio format - not just relying on the blog or the printed collections.

By the way, I'd like to thank Toby for the lovely photo of Deeley that I'm using at the top of the page - Deels was defiantly claiming Toby's duvet! My cuteness was involved in aforementioned defiance! :)

First up this time I'd like to share with you my two most recent episodes of the podcast...

THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - 137: INVASION OF THE NERDS!!

Here we are for episode 137 in which Mr Yeti returns to Salisbury where he chats with Nick Goodman and their mutual friend Andy C; Andy and Paul started off as pen-pals in the late 80s, but that's just the beginning of the story... There are also some clips from early Sutton Park episodes that Andy appeared in - as well as a previously unreleased comedy sketch recorded back in 2000! Our next episode, 138 is officially sanctioned a very special friend of the show - our purry pal, Deeley The Cat! Do join us, won't you?! Please email me at shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk if you have any comments - you can even send me a sound-file and I'll include it on the show. The music is by Shy Yeti and Luca. All content of this episode is Copyright Paul Chandler, 2018.  Episode 137 was recorded between 2nd and 4th December 2017, with material from the archives dating back to the 1990s. 

This episode can be downloaded on iTunes, Acast, Podbean and also from Soundcloud at the following link:

137: https://soundcloud.com/shyyeti/the-shy-life-podcast-137-invasion-of-the-nerds

Our next episode was all about cats...

THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - 138: PURRING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU...

Here we are for episode 138 in which Mr Yeti remains in Salisbury to talk with friends and family about cats - yes, CATS! Guests this episode include Nick Goodman, Andrew and Lisa from the Round The Archives podcast and also The Yeti Mother! (i.e.: mum! Not to mention more briefly - my dad, brother and niece!) Thank you guests!! There are also some cat poems  - the regulars give their informed opinions - and Mr Deeley shares a few mews with us himself! Our next episode, 139 is a "lost" episode that focuses on the aliens! Do join us, won't you?! Please email me at shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk if you have any comments - you can even send me a sound-file and I'll include it on the show. The music is by Shy Yeti and Luca. All content of this episode is Copyright Paul Chandler, 2018.  Episode 138 was recorded between 24th June 2017 and the 14th January 2018. 

This episode can be downloaded on iTunes, Acast, Podbean and also from Soundcloud at the following link:

138: https://soundcloud.com/shyyeti/the-shy-life-podcast-138-purring-all-my-love-for-you

Before we move on to this new poem that I've been promising - I thought I'd give you a rough list of episodes that I hope to put out over the next month or two. I'm not committing to this order - but it's the one that I'm working to at the moment. If something else comes up - or I get to interview somebody then that will probably be prioritised; but anyway...

SHY LIFE PODCAST SHOW - COMING SOON!!

139. The Alien Tapes / documentary 

This is actually an episode that I began recording in the first half of 2017, but which never got finished. It was actually going to be two different episode - one of them a story about one of the cast finding a tape with an "alien song" on it and another episode about the aliens recording a documentary about humans. Quite a lot of material was recorded - so I am planning on collecting it together as a "lost episode" and recording whatever linking material is required to make it work.

140. Ikk is ill
141. Live January 2018
142. Ikk is ill - resolved

These three episodes form a trilogy involving Ikk being ill - which also filters into the January 2018 live show on Sunday 21st January 2018 and will then be resolved in the following episode.

143. Bettina and the robot butler

This episode sees Paul visiting Bettina only to find out that the house has recently become robotically automated; also Wifey Jo play a card game with Cuthbert.

144. Twenty years ago today

Paul returns to where he worked 20 years ago and shares clips from Sutton Park which were recorded during his time living in the same area, between 1996 and 1998.

145. Driving Miss Bettina (Valentines Episode 2018)

This will be our Valentines Episode which means that depending on how quickly I edit episodes this one might change its number, but it is already recorded - so is raring to go!

146. Live February 2018

Once again - this episode is fixed to a specific date - so it might end up changing number. I'm not sure what theme, subject or story will be involved for this one yet.

147. Nessie 1
148. Nessie 2
149. Nessie 3

This trilogy has been waiting in the archives for some time... The numbers aren't fixed - but I intend to start editing it as soon as I've released the Live February episode - as that gives me plenty of time to work on them as a three part story, although each episode is separate and self-contained; they just all three are connected by a common theme.

150. Return Of The Brompton Time Machine

This one has also been hanging around for a while - in fact I started work on it when we lasted visited Brompton Cemetery in early January 2017... I recorded scenes with a number of guests throughout the year

Other episodes that are in the pipe-line include the inevitable (in a good way!) Live March 2018 episode of the show, more about Dusty - the missing scone-eating plant, an April Fool's episode and the much-mentioned Murder Mystery Weekend episodes - another collaboration with The Smellcast team. I've also got one or two interview episodes that I'm hoping to record over the next few weeks.

Other than the newly completed poem, that's all for now...

Take care - more soon,

Yeti hugs,

Paul (aka Shy Yeti) xx

P.S. The following poem was written between the 12th April 2010 and the 21st December 2018. The first 28 lines written were written on the 12th April 2010 - but then no further work was done on it until I returned to it briefly on the 8th September 2017, finally finishing it off between the 14th and the 21st December 2017. I made a few more changes before posting this on the 16th January 2018 and may still make further rewrites before including it in any future collection.

BITE


She has bite…
She's got pizazz!
Well, that's not something -
Every no-one has…
She's got the WOW!
She never quits!
With fake tattoos -
And show-biz glitz!

She's got style -
Like few before her…
The Paparazzi -
Do so adore her!
Fortune is her -
Bestest friend!
Fame may suffocate her -
In the end…
Unless, that is -
She kills it first!
Confronts it hard -
And does her worst!
You need to pause -
Be at the ready…
Should she approach -
Be sure, stand steady.
Save face, don’t let -
Her see you’re shaking!
Pretend it’s selfies -
That you’re taking!
Then saunter up -
When she’s not looking!
When she’s asleep -
Or maybe cooking…
Just make out that -
You like her fashion...
Show she’s in charge...
Admire her passion!
Folk laugh at her -
When e'er they see her…
But every one of them -
Would love to be her...

She has bite -
But she's not a tramp...
She is shameless -
But she's not a vamp!
When she controls you;
You'll be left reeling...
Your head will spin...
Enjoy the feeling...

This post and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2018.

Sunday, January 07, 2018

YETI HIGHLIGHTS FROM 2017

MY CREATIVE ANTICS DURING 2017!!

Hello beasties...

Originally I had planned to go into great detail on all my creative projects for 2017 - but as I did so much (especially in podcasting avenue!) it just got a bit out of hand to be doing links to every episode and all the various bits and pieces that are here on the blog! I did it in 2016 and it was a nice post to present - but I let myself down in 2017 and didn't keep it updated and now 2018 has started...  I don't have the time! (cries!) Anyway - I'm going to talk about some of the projects that I've worked on during 2017, but first I'll tell you about some of the most recent episodes of the podcast...

Here is the last of our truly Christmassy episodes - although as we put out so many episodes around this time that Christmas creeps into a lot of the shows that came out towards the end of 2017 - and my first couple of 2018! Anyway...

THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - 133: TWO XMAS DAY SHOWS FOR THE PRICE OF ONE!

Here we are for episode 133 as we go LIVE on Pride48 on Christmas Day to see how everyone is doing! Santa is in the chat-room, Toppie Smellie is keeping in touch and Cromitty, Yeti Uncle John and Charlie Grrr are helping Paul out with some amateur dramatics! There is also extra material in the form of highlights from Tim Mitchell's Radio Wey Christmas Day Show - transmitted, but not recorded on Christmas Day and which Yeti Uncle John and Mr Yeti were part of! Our next episode, number 134 is coming soon - but we're not quite sure which one it'll be! (Mr Yeti has a cold and a lack of decent internet!) All the same do please join us, won't you? Please email me at shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk with any comments - you can even send me a sound-file and I'll include it! The music is by Shy Yeti, Luca and The Seaford Singers (17/18 Model). All content - except for Nathan J's contributions - is Copyright Paul Chandler, 2017. Episode 133 was recorded on 25th December 2017, with extra material recorded on 9th December 2017. Thanks to Tim Mitchell and Nathan Jones for the use of material from our Radio Wey Christmas Show.

This episode can be downloaded on iTunes, Acast, Podbean and also from Soundcloud at the following link:

133: https://soundcloud.com/shyyeti/the-shy-life-podcast-133-two-christmas-day-shows-for-the-price-of-one

THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - 134: SHY YETI'S INCREDIBLE PODCAST REVIEW OF 2017!!

Here we are for episode 134 as Toppie Smellie joins me to review the year's output of SHY LIFE PODCAST episodes! Ikk is also on hand to help out!! There is lots of natter and lots of clips! What more could one want for an episode? Thank you to Toppie for all his help during this episode and also to everyone who has appeared on the show or helped out during 2017! Thank you also to all our listeners for their support! Next episode we'll be celebrating New Year's Eve LIVE on Pride48! Do please join us if you can - or catch up with the podcast release of the episode when it emerges in early 2018. Please email me at shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk if you have any comments - you can even send me a sound-file and I'll include it on the show. The music is by Shy Yeti and Luca. All content is Copyright Paul Chandler, 2017. Episode 134 was recorded between 18th November and 23rd December 2017.

This episode can be downloaded on iTunes, Acast, Podbean and also from Soundcloud at the following link:

134: https://soundcloud.com/shyyeti/the-shy-life-podcast-134-shy-yetis-incredible-podcast-review-of-2017

THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - 135: SHY YETI BIDS FAREWELL TO 2017!!

Here we are for episode 135 as Mr Yeti says his goodbyes to 2017 with help from Yeti Uncle John, Cromitty and The Chat-room. Ikk is also on hand - but it soon becomes evident that the evening may not be as much of a celebration as everyone was hoping! We also have extra material - a behind the scenes segment, a creepy Christmas story and an out-take from The Radio Wey Christmas Special with Tim and Nathan. Thank you to Paul H for his seasonal message and also to my team - all my guests and to all you listeners for your support during 2017!! May 2018 be another successful year! Next episode we'll be catching up with Bettina - with a little flashback to her past, amongst other things... Do please join us, won't you?! Please email me at shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk if you have any comments - you can even send me a sound-file and I'll include it on the show. The music is by Shy Yeti and Luca. All content is Copyright Paul Chandler, 2017. Episode 135 was performed live just before 11pm on 31st December 2017, into the first few minutes of the new year - 1st January 2018. The extra material was recorded in late November and also between the 8th and 9th December 2017.

This episode can be downloaded on iTunes, Acast, Podbean and also from Soundcloud at the following link:

135: https://soundcloud.com/shyyeti/the-shy-life-podcast-135-shy-yeti-bids-farewell-to-2017

THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - 136: THE PAST! THE PRESENT! THE FUTURE...

Here we are for episode 136 and we look back into the past with Bettina and Cromitty - reflect on current matters with Ikk and Paul and consider the future with Yeti Uncle John and Dameus Twinklehorn. Thank you to Toppie Smellie for allowing me to include a near-complete version of episode 450 of The Smellcast as part of this episode. Our next edition, number 137 sees Paul back in Salisbury talking to a very old friend who we've not previously spoken with! Do join us, won't you?! Please email me at shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk if you have any comments - you can even send me a sound-file and I'll include it on the show. The music is by Shy Yeti and Luca. Episode 136 was recorded on the 2nd January 2018, with archive clips recorded between 1992 and 2017! Episode 450 of The Smellcast was originally released on the 11th August 2017 and was entitled "The Life And Times Of Betsy and Tootsie", it is Copyright Toppie Smellie, 2017. All other content of this episode is Copyright Paul Chandler, 2018.

This episode can be downloaded on iTunes, Acast, Podbean and also from Soundcloud at the following link:

136: https://soundcloud.com/shyyeti/the-shy-life-podcast-136-the-past-the-present-the-future

We've pretty much got the first two months of the 2018 season of THE SHY LIFE PODCAST either in the can or part-recorded - well, other than the live episodes, of course!

Whilst I'm at it you may wish to click on this link - it's my updated website where you can find all the episodes of the podcast in one place:

http://shyyeti.libsyn.com

Returning to the blog itself - I made the slightly unfortunate decision to change the background theme back in the autumn - I'm not really sure that I intended to, but before I knew it - it was done and I couldn't reverse it. Unfortunately this has messed with a lot of how the blog is viewed going back over past years - but I've tried to make the 2017 ones, at least follow the new format and will hopefully go back over the older posts eventually.

2017 was my 15th year of this blog and I continued to post on it regularly - usually about once a week... I won't be presenting a long list of these or of the podcasts - especially as I have just presented my SHY LIFE PODCAST Review Of The Year for 2017 and you can take a listen to that instead! I did publish a number of new stories and poems here on the blog - but they'll be released soon as part of my next collection of prose and poetry, so if you've not read them already you may end up doing so when the new book comes out in the Spring/Summer.


The following are the books that I published this year:

SHY YETI BOOKS PUBLISHED DURING 2017

This year I released the following new titles - all of which I'd been working on for a number of years.

FEBRUARY

YETI DON'T FALL BACKWARDS...

We join Horner, Warren, Katrina and Colin as they head to Italy on an all-expenses-paid trip to Venice! But there is trouble in store – murder, in fact! What can be done? Who is to blame? Who will be “got at” next? The Beast Crew try to help whilst trying to avoid getting “bumped off” themselves!

Paperback Edition: £8.99 / 192 pages

http://www.lulu.com/shop/paul-chandler/yeti-dont-fall-backwards-a-beast-of-friends-special/paperback/product-23078113.html

Hardback Edition: £13.99 / 192 pages

http://www.lulu.com/shop/paul-chandler/yeti-dont-fall-backwards-a-beast-of-friends-special/hardcover/product-23078067.html

If you'd like to read a scene or two from my book - YETI DON'T FALL BACKWARDS - a "lost" BEAST OF FRIENDS script-book, then I also posted about that during February when it was released: http://thedaffypoet.blogspot.co.uk/2017_02_19_archive.html


AUGUST

August saw me finally releasing the second seasons of these series - the adventures continue...

HOT STUFF!! - SEASON TWO

Here we present season two of HOT STUFF!!, in which the past rolls back to cause trouble for those who work in Spectrum  Library. There are a couple of new arrivals, one who may be undead and another who may be the reincarnation of the old head librarian! It's all go... What is more, one of the staff is being haunted by the ghost of his dead wife... (144 pages)

Pbk:
http://www.lulu.com/shop/paul-chandler/hot-stuff-season-two/paperback/product-23255432.html £7.99

Hbk:
http://www.lulu.com/shop/paul-chandler/hot-stuff-season-two/hardcover/product-23257940.html £15.99

There is a scene from this new season of HOT STUFF in the following post: http://thedaffypoet.blogspot.co.uk/2017_07_30_archive.html#4211328425673548397

KENSINGTON GORE - SEASON TWO

KENSINGTON GORE focuses on a trio of friends who care-take a mysterious apartment block in the Kensington Gore area of London. They are Katrina, Warren and Lucy (who also featured in THE BEAST OF FRIENDS script-series) and on this occasion their troubles come from a mysterious lady called Adrianna and also from a ruthless vampire called Lombardo Braithwaite who intends to cause murderous havoc! (144 pages)

Pbk:
http://www.lulu.com/shop/paul-chandler/kensington-gore-season-two/paperback/product-23255394.html  £7.99

Hbk:
http://www.lulu.com/shop/paul-chandler/kensington-gore-season-two/hardcover/product-23265841.html  £15.99

There is a scene from this new season of KENSINGTON GORE in the following post: http://thedaffypoet.blogspot.co.uk/2017_07_16_archive.html#1930145669208407067

APPEARANCES ON OTHER SHOWS...

During 2017 I sent recorded messages to THE SMELLCAST, BIG FATTY ONLINE, VERA SPEAKS... FOR REAL, TASTES LIKE BURNING and also recorded a number of articles for ROUND THE ARCHIVES - answering questions on Cult TV and doing articles on Bergerac and the 1974 Dr Who story, Invasion Of The Dinosaurs. I also made two appearances on L.O.T.S.L. during the year. I also made a number of appearances on Radio with Tim and Nathan - and one appearance on Radio Woking, also with Tim and all of these appearances made it into SHY LIFE PODCAST episodes during 2017; with Yeti Uncle John even showing up to help out on our Christmas edition.

PROJECTS I'VE BEEN WORKING ON...

This year I've been working on the following projects - those starred projects (*) I hope will be my main releases in 2018.

*HOT STUFF - season 3
 HOT STUFF - season 5 (plans for season 6)
*KENSINGTON GORE - season 3
 KENSINGTON GORE - season 4
 THE BEAST OF FRIENDS - lost season
*THE SHY YETI SCRIPTS
*SHY YETI GOES BLOGGY

I've also been working on a book about the first 100 episodes of the podcast - but I've only got up to episode 19, so far!

I think that's about it for 2017 - although I'm sure there will be something I've forgotten! Sorry, it's not in as much detail as I did for 2016 - but I'm sure it's actually quite enough detail for most people!

Next time I'll be presenting to you the first poem that I've completed in quite some time - it's called BITE - that's all I can say for now!!

More soon!

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx
This post and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler 2018.

Monday, December 25, 2017

THIS YEAR'S CHRISTMAS GIFT FROM SHY YETI...

THIS YEAR'S XMAS SKETCH - AND MORE!!


Hello beasties!

This week we're being all Christmassy... Ho! Ho! Ho! Come on... I'm trying!!

First up here - two of our three festive seasonal episodes of the podcast! One LIVE and one pre-recorded - although the live one has plenty of pre-recorded extra material this time too!!! I'll be telling you about our LIVE Christmas Day episode in my next post - but wanted to get this one out as close to Christmas as possible!

THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - 131: OUR 16TH LIVE PRIDE48 SHOW!!

Here we are for episode 131 and we're back live on Pride48 for the first of three live episodes during December!! There are plenty of Christmas sounds - a busy chat-room and Yeti Uncle John and Cromitty are in the studios. All that and there is a bumper crop of Extra Material - stories, archive clips and Adam Burns answering random questions! Believe me, it's busy!! Our next episode, number 132 is our full-blown Christmas episode with lots of chatting with show guests and quite a bit of seasonal adventure! Do join us, won't you? Please email me at shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk if you have any comments - you can even send me a sound-file and I'll include it on the show. The music is by Shy Yeti, Luca and The Seaford Singers (17/18 Model). All content of this episode is Copyright Paul Chandler, 2017.  Episode 131 was recorded between the 25th November and the 17th December 2017, with archive material from the 1990s.

This episode can be downloaded on iTunes, Acast, Podbean and also from Soundcloud at the following link:

131: https://soundcloud.com/shyyeti/the-shy-life-podcast-131-our-16th-live-pride48-show

Our next episode up was our proper-proper Christmas Special...

THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - 132: ALL ABOUT THE HO! HO! HOS! (2017 CHRISTMAS SPECIAL)

Here we are for episode 132 as we chat on Christmas related topics with Nick, Toppie and DJ amongst others. Meanwhile Yeti Uncle John and Paul hunt for festive ghosts in the college, whilst Ikk, Cromitty and Bettina go to visit Dameus at his rest home, where Tallulah Twinklehorn's gifted students are playing a Christmas concert! All this and so much more!! Thank you to everyone who helped with this special edition! Our next episode, number 133 is our "Live On Christmas Day" edition! Do join us, won't you? Please email me at shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk if you have any comments - you can even send me a sound-file and I'll include it on the show. The music is by Shy Yeti, Luca and The Seaford Singers (17/18 Model). All content of this episode is Copyright Paul Chandler, 2017.  Episode 132 was recorded between the 20th October and the 23rd December 2017.

This episode can be downloaded on iTunes, Acast, Podbean and also from Soundcloud at the following link:

132: https://soundcloud.com/shyyeti/the-shy-life-podcast-132-all-about-the-ho-ho-hos-2017-christmas-special

More Christmas still for our next episode - but you'll have to wait until next time for that one!


Next time we'll be looking back over 2017 - we really have been pretty busy this year!!

I would say "that's all for now!", but that's not the case - check out our Christmas script, which sees Shy Yeti hanging out with Gladstone McWhiskers and Oliver Louse once again - oh, and Charlie Grrr is also about, so as you can imagine it's not going to be a smooth ride. Also look out for a cameo by another of THE SHY LIFE PODCAST team who is appearing in one of my scripts for the very first time!

Take care - more soon! Yeti hugs,

Paul (aka Shy Yeti) xx

GLADSTONE MCWHISKERS AND THE CHRISTMAS STAR!!

A Shy Yeti celebration of Christmas for 2017

CAST:

GLADSTONE MCWHISKERS
OLIVER LOUSE
SHY YETI
CHARLIE GRRR
IKK THE ALIEN
THE MAN FROM THE MANAGEMENT
THE CHRISTMAS SHOPPERS

Setting The Scene:

It is late afternoon, just before Christmas and we join Shy Yeti, Gladstone McWhiskers, Oliver Louse and Charlie Grrr who are busily swanning about the Christmas Market in Hyde Park. Charlie is causing all manner of disturbances, but this gives the other time to enjoy a mulled wine and to catch up. Both Gladstone and Ollie walk using electro-powered stilts - so they are all at the same height of a normal human-being rather than being lost in the crowd amongst busy feet! As they make their way through the market and the fairground people tip their caps at the three of them - clearly aware who they are - although they are definitely more interested in Gladstone than in Oliver or Shy Yeti.

SHY: (wistfully)

I can't believe it's Christmas again! One minute it's late Summer - next it's Halloween followed by my birthday and suddenly... Christmas week! BOOM!

GLADSTONE: (knowingly/in agreement)

You're not wrong there, Yeti...

OLLIE: (concerned)

I hear your birthday wasn't exactly a success this year... You must be upset - I know how much you love to celebrate it!

SHY: (playing it cool)

Oh... I'm over it now, but yes... I got myself locked in a basement in a spooky old mansion in the country... I was meant to be going to Italy, but it simply didn't happen for me...

OLLIE: (supportive)

What a shame... You doing alright now, mate?

SHY: (still very casual)

Oh yes... For sure... Water under the bridge...

OLLIE: (making polite conversation)

Which city had you planned on heading to?

SHY: (chuckling a little)

Verona... Never been before... Still haven't been - at least I have, but only in my imagination...

OLLIE: (lowering his tone, in confidence)

Sometimes you just can't beat a good imaginary holiday... I take them all the time - working for this one who doesn't much like to vacation you bloomin' well have to!

GLADSTONE: (sounding hurt, but not really meaning it)

Now! Now! That isn't true and you know it, Oliver! You should come with us to Venice next time we go... Do you know it?

SHY: (a little over-enthusiastically)

Do I know, Venice!?! Do I ever! It's only my every favourite place EVER!

OLLIE: (encouragingly)

Then you really should come next time...

GLADSTONE: (in agreement)

Absolutely!

SHY: (keenly, but growing distracted)

I WILL! Now... (looking around the busy fairground in front of them) Where exactly are we meant to be meeting Charlie!?

OLLIE: (looking around)

Is there a pie stall here? There must be!

SHY: (still a little O.T.T.)

Mince pies, surely - it's Christmas after all...

GLADSTONE: (calmly)

Let's go and take a look around...

THEY HAVEN'T GONE FAR WHEN THEY HEAR A COMMOTION - AT FIRST THEY IGNORE IT AND THEN THEY BEGIN TO RECOGNISE THE VOICE - THE FIGURE CAUSING ALL THE FUSS IS NONE OTHER THAN CHARLIE GRRR...

(intrigued/dismayed) Good gracious! What is going on now?

OLLIE: (lowering his voice)

We can keep walking, if you prefer boss - it's not like he's our responsiblility...

SHY: (keenly)

Oh! And miss all the action!? Surely not...

GLADSTONE: (with a sigh)

I wouldn't put it quite that way... But you're right - he kind of is my responsibility - maybe I can settle him down a bit and sort out whatever the problem is...

OLLIE: (solemn)

I hope you don't regret trying, boss...

GLADSTONE: (sadly)

Oh... It usually pays off in the end, at least for a while - but then only a few days down the line we're back to square one and there's some new issue that he's caused rearing its ugly head...

SHY: (with a grin at the memory)

Sometimes literally! Remember the time he invited Nessie down to London for the weekend?

OLLIE: (also chuckling)

Don't let him hear you calling him ugly... Sorry, boss!

GLADSTONE: (wincing)

Hmmm... I don't think there's any worry of that occasion - Nessie has long since gone home, but yes - I do remember it well!

SHY: (apologetically)

I must say, I do feel partly responsible for that as it was some of my team who had been hunting for Nessie in the first place... Of course when I say "hunting" I mean that in the kindest and most sociable way possible, you understand...

GLADSTONE: (with understanding)

Of course - I don't doubt it for a minute...

OLLIE LOOKS AS IF HE MIGHT BE THINKING OF SAYING SOMETHING BUT THEN GETS DISTRACTED, FOR THEY ARE NOW QUITE CLOSE TO A STALL WHERE IT SEEMS THAT CHARLIE IS CAUSING A COMMOTION - IN FACT HE APPEARS TO BE ATTEMPTING TO DRUM UP TRADE FOR ONE OF HIS MANY CREATIVE PROJECTS... HE HAS EVEN SET UP A STALL AND HAS A RANGE OF HIS WARES THERE - ONLY APPARENTLY HE HADN'T CLEARED THIS WITH THE MANAGEMENT OF THE CHRISTMAS MARKET AND A NUMBER OF THE STALL HOLDERS ARE NOT BEST PLEASED AS HE SEEMS TO HAVE STOLEN THEIR THUNDER AND THE VISITORS TO THE MARKET ARE CROWDING AROUND THE BEAR RATHER THAN THEIR STALLS THAT ARE SELLING MULLED WINE, MINCE PIES AND OTHER CHRISTMAS-RELATED NICK-NACKS...

GLADSTONE: (with frustration)

Will somebody please tell me exactly what is going on here!?!

CHARLIE: (oblivious to any trouble that he may be causing)

Oh! Gladstone! How good to see you?! Ah! Shy! Oliver... What a splendid welcoming committee...

SHY: (trying to remain positive)

Afternoon, Charlie... What are you up to now?

CHARLIE: (proudly)

Just trying to give my public a little seasonal performance that's all...

OLLIE: (mutters)

Whilst offering them a range of Charlie Grrr-related merchandising at the same time...

CHARLIE: (matter-of-factly)

Well, of course - it would be remiss of me to show up for such an occasion and not to have anything of mine to sell them... My audience requires t-shirts, albums, dvds and blu-rays...

SHY: (trying to come up with as silly examples as he can manage)

Monogrammed pie-shaped cuff-links - personally paw-autographed extra glossy photo-album and uniquely poseable Charlie Grrr holographic fondu-set...

CHARLIE: (enthused)

Well yes, exactly... Of course! Although I'd not thought of that last one - I really must write it down!

GLADSTONE: (calmly but sternly)

Yes, well that is all very well - but you do realise that you should have gotten approval from the management here to actually do this - you need a special permit like all the other stall-holders here...

MANAGEMENT MAN: (quietly furious)

You can't just wander in here selling your trinkets - not without arranging it financially with ourselves...

CHARLIE: (very magnanimously)

No! No! It's fine... I am willing to waive any fee - you do not need to pay me anything...

GLADSTONE: (speaking low but informatively)

I suspect Mr... The gentleman here was rather expecting YOU to pay HIM for being here...

CHARLIE: (shocked/disbelieving)

Goodness! How preposterous! I am giving him free publicity... What more could he want? All these people here (he indicates the crowd) have been tweeting and posting photos on their instagram accounts telling their friends and family all about this little market of yours...

MANAGEMENT MAN: (outraged)

Begging you pardon, Mister Grrr, but we get thousands of tourists every year - quite probably millions and we have done so without your help up until now, I'll have you know... We're in the very centre of London... We have no need for additional publicity, thank you very much...

CHARLIE: (scoffing)

What nonsense! You're clearly being deliberately humorous - or you think you are... Well alas, I can tell you it isn't in any way amusing...

SHY/OLLIE: (unnerved)

Oh dear...

GLADSTONE: (attempting to intervene)

Well now... I'm sure we can sort this matter out...

CHARLIE: (disgruntled)

I don't know that there's time right now... I was hoping to sing my dance version of "Twinkle! Twinkle, Little Star..." but the star has already arrived...

SHY: (confused)

The star has WHAT!?

OLLIE: (surprised yet enlightened)

THE STAR HAS ARRIVED!! LOOK! UP IN THE SKY!?!

THEY ALL LOOK - AS DO THE PEOPLE MAKING UP THE CROWD AND SURE ENOUGH DESCENDING TOWARDS THEM IS WHAT LOOKS VERY MUCH LIKE A STAR - ALTHOUGH ON CLOSER INSPECTION IT ACTUALLY RESEMBLES A BADLY DECORATED SPACE CRAFT INTENDED TO LOOK LIKE A STAR... EVERYONE SEEMS QUITE ASTONISHED BUT THEY  ARE BUSILY TAKING PHOTOS... STILL... SHY SOON RECOGNISES THE VEHICLE...

CHARLIE: (with his most impressive booming growl)

THE CHRISTMAS STAR HAS ARRIVED!!

GLADSTONE: (intrigued)

Most curious...

OLLIE: (impressed)

ISN'T IT WONDERFUL!!?

MANAGEMENT MAN: (dismayed/thinking practically)

GOOD GRIEF!! THIS IS A HEALTH AND SAFETY NIGHTMARE AND NO MISTAKE!!!

OLLIE: 

What's up Shy? You look a bit non-plussed...

SHY: (keen to explain)

Oh... It's okay... It's just that I recognise the space ship... It belongs to one of my colleagues from the podcast... Ikk... You may have heard him on the show - I'm not sure that you've ever met...

OLLIE: (nervously)

No... Oh... Goodness... What's he doing here?

SHY: (disapproving)

Well, he's a sweet fellow - but sometimes far too naive and easily lead... I suspect that Charlie has talked him into doing this in exchange for... well, goodness knows what - probably nothing at all... Ikk likes to be helpful - he wouldn't demand anything if he thought he was doing Charlie a favour...

CHARLIE: (boomingly)

SHHH NOW! SHHH! MAKE WAY FOR THE CHRISTMAS STAR!!!

THE CROWDS STAND BACK - ALLOWING THE STAR/SPACE CRAFT TO LAND AMONGST THE MARKET STALLS - AFTER A MOMENT OR TWO A DOORWAY APPEARS FROM BEHIND SOME TINSEL THAT HAD BEEN COVERING THE ENTRANCE AND IKK - A FRIENDLY LOOKING ALIEN WEARING A SANTA CLAUS COSTUME AND RATHER TOO MUCH GLITTER EMERGES... EVERYBODY APPLAUDS - EVEN THE MAN FROM MANAGEMENT WHO HAD PREVIOUSLY BEEN SO OUTRAGED...

IKK: (in his familiar high voice)

Hello everyone... My name is Santa Cuuuulause... I really shouldn't be here yet as it's not yet Christmas Day... I'm just here to say hello though and to pick up my good friend Charlie Grrr - to take him back to Beargrrria...

GLADSTONE: (grateful, chuckling)

Now that is an eventuality that I can get behind and fully support...

OLLIE: (slightly over-come)

Is that really Santa? REALLY-REALLY!?

SHY: (grinning, with affection)

Well, of course not - no... I told you... It's my colleague, Ikk... Charlie is just using him to transport all his purchases and whatnot back to his home to save having to post everything...

RIGHT AT THAT VERY MOMENT A FLEET OF VANS BEGIN TO PULL UP - EACH WITH THE LOGO OF A VERY EXPENSIVE LOCAL DEPARTMENT STORE STAMPED ON THE SIDE...

OLLIE: (surprised)

You're RIGHT!

SHY: (with mock offence)

Of course I'm RIGHT!!

GLADSTONE: (sympathetically)

Of course he is - Shy knows Charlie Grrr ALMOST as well as we do!

MEANWHILE, CHARLIE IS BUSY GETTING ALL HIS SHOPPING TRANSFERRED FROM THE VANS INTO THE SPACE SHIP - WHILST ALSO WAVING TO THE CROWD AND SIGNING AUTOGRAPHS... IKK LOOKS A LITTLE STAR-STRUCK BY ALL THE ATTENTION - BUT IS ALSO QUITE ENJOYING THE THEATRICS OF THE MOMENT...

You know what everybody... I think we can just let Charlie and Ikk deal with this matter... We're not required here...

OLLIE: (disappointed)

Oh... You mean we don't get to ride on the rocket ship...

GLADSTONE: (horrified)

NO! We do NOT get to ride on the rocket ship...

SHY: (lowering his voice)

I've done it... It's nothing to write home about - but don't tell Ikk I said that...

GLADSTONE: (chuckling)

You know I think I've seen quite enough of the market... I believe we should leave Charlie to his audience and go and get ourselves an afternoon tea - maybe even a cocktail...

SHY: (beaming)

I like your plan...

OLLIE: (wiggling his mandibles about excitedly)

I can't deny that I like the sound of that very much too...

CHARLIE: (disappointedly noting that they are departing)

YOU'RE NOT GOING, ARE YOU? I WAS JUST ABOUT TO SING...

SHY: (mutters)

Just keep walking - pretend you don't hear him...

GLADSTONE: (in agreement)

Good idea... Hurry along, Oliver...

OLLIE: (glad to be going)

You're two are so cruel - although it's probably for the best... I really don't think my ears deserve the torture of having to listen to one of Charlie's tunes about how marvellous he is - they really don't!

CHARLIE: (calling after them)

HEY! GUYS! HEEEEEY!

BUT GLADSTONE, SHY AND OLLIE KEEP WALKING AND WE LEAVE CHARLIE, IKK AND THE CROWDS OF CHRISTMAS SHOPPERS ENJOYING THEMSELVES AT THE CHRISTMAS MARKET - EVEN THE MAN FROM MANAGEMENT IS POSING FOR A PHOTO WITH THE INFAMOUS BEAR WHICH LOOKS LIKELY TO APPEAR IN THE EVENING PAPERS...

HAPPY CHRISTMAS BLOG READERS!! THANK YOU FOR READING!! BEST WISHES FOR 2018!! YETI HUGS, PAUL THE SHY YETI! XXX

The idea for this script was conjured up on 12th October and was written between the 13th and 20th of December 2017, with a little tinkering right up until the day of posting. This post and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2017.

Sunday, December 17, 2017

2017 - WE'RE NOT DONE YET!!

GETTING CLOSER TO CHRISTMAS...

Hello beasties!

This week we're going to be focussing on our latest podcast releases and also on my recent trip to Radio Wey to record the Christmas Special. Whether or not you decide to tune in to Radio Wey at 6pm on Christmas Day - you'll get to hear extracts of what we recorded at some stage on the podcast - but funnily enough one of this week's episodes contains material from my previous visit to Radio Wey back in September...

Here's a bit more information on the episodes that were released since we last posted...

THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - 129: YETI UNCLE JOHN: TOUR GUIDE SUPREME!!

Here we are for episode 129 as we catch up with Yeti Uncle John's plans to become a tour guide to the stars - or should that be "up in the stars"!?! Not only that - but Paul shares his writing and Cromitty has some more clips from the Yeti Archives. Special thanks to Toby for helping with this episode and also to everyone who appears here in archival clips. Our next episode, number 130 sees us returning to the radio with some of the regulars. Do join us, won't you? Please email me at shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk if you have any comments - you can even send me a sound-file and I'll include it on the show. The music is by Shy Yeti and Luca. All content of this episode is Copyright Paul Chandler, 2017.  Episode 129 was recorded between the 13th May and the 11th December 2017.

This episode can be downloaded on iTunes, Acast, Podbean and also from Soundcloud at the following link:

129: https://soundcloud.com/shyyeti/the-shy-life-podcast-129-yeti-uncle-john-tour-guide-supreme

THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - 130: RADIO NIGHTS AND A-WEY DAYS...

Here we are for episode 130 where we find The Shy Life Podcast regulars heading to observe Mr Yeti reading some of his poems on local radio. Not only that - but Cromitty has some more clips from the Yeti Archives. Special thanks to Tim and Nathan for their work on this episode and also to everyone who appears here in archival clips and to Nick Goodman for digitising them recently! Additional thanks to Big Fatty for use of clips from Big Fatty Online. Please Note: This episode was recording back in September 2017 and hence contains contributions by Dameus Twinklehorn who at present is "resting" from the show. Do also be aware that the Nathan referred to in this episode is a writer and not Nathan aka Zap - Ikk's evil nemesis. Our next episode, number 131 sees us back live on Pride48 for the first of three live shows during December! Do join us, won't you? Please email me at shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk if you have any comments - you can even send me a sound-file and I'll include it on the show. The music is by Shy Yeti and Luca. Nathan Jones owns the copyright to the writing that he reads here, whilst all other content of this episode is Copyright Paul Chandler, 2017.  Episode 130 was recorded between the 16th September and the 13th December 2017.

This episode can be downloaded on iTunes, Acast, Podbean and also from Soundcloud at the following link:

130: https://soundcloud.com/shyyeti/the-shy-life-podcast-130-radio-nights-and-a-wey-days


As I was saying earlier, I was back on the radio last week with Tim M and Nathan J - although technically speaking it's not yet been transmitted as it was recorded for Radio Wey as a two hour Christmas Special; which means that I'll be almost competing with myself that day - as I'm doing my own Pride48 show live on Christmas Day at around 9pm (GMT) that evening. Yeti Uncle John was on standby to appear on the Radio Wey show and I promise to share you all the best bits on a forthcoming edition of the podcast.

There was a lot more chatter than normal - and a Christmas quiz - but along with Nathan's readings I also read four different pieces:

YETI SPAGHETTI
READY-TEDDY-GO!!
THE UNAFFORDABLE FJORD
I WILL EAT PIES!


You would be right in saying that none of these poems are outright Christmas pleasers - but I did try to introduce them with a Christmas spin - ie: eating spaghetti for Christmas dinner, which is along the lines of what we are actually doing. Ready-Teddy-Go was made more seasonal by mentioning popular presents when I was a kid and The Unaffordable Fjord broached the subject of unconventional gifts. I Will Eat Pies fitted due to mince pies having already been mentioned during the show and I also changed a reference to the dessert "spotted dick" by replacing it with Christmas pudding!


Next time we'll hopefully have a Christmas script for you which features Mr Yeti, Gladstone, McWhiskers, Oliver Louse, Charlie Grrr and even Ikk The Alien!

That's all for now...

Take care - more soon,

Yeti hugs,

Paul (aka Shy Yeti) xx

P.S. I've also just released two clips of Classic Sutton Park from 1995 and 1997 respectively.

1995 clip: This is an extract from episode 746 of me with my two best school friends, Harry and Robin - who were also in episode 1 of the show. If you recognise the audio of this one it is because it appeared during episode 130, our latest edition of THE SHY LIFE PODCAST. It is less than 3 minutes in length.

746: https://youtu.be/FqTf6P0ViV4

1997 clip: This is a much longer clips, recorded in May 1997 in and around Dunbar, Scotland. It is approximately 30 minutes long and covers material from episode 1684-1686.

1684-86: https://youtu.be/NSnnLGmS7QA

This post and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2017.

Saturday, December 09, 2017

THE RETURN OF A LOVELY LADY OF THE UNDEAD...

ANOTHER NEW PODCAST SHOW - OR TWO...

Hello beasties!

This week we've a couple of new podcast episodes for you and also a script that accompanies it, as written by my good self (even if I do say so myself!)...

First up, though - here are the two episodes that have come out since I last posted...

THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - 127: CHECKING IN ON DUSTY...

Here we are for episode ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY SEVEN and it's time for us to head back to Q Gardens which we last visited in early autumn. We do so, so that Ikk can go and check in on his new friend, Dusty - a giant scone-eating dandelion... Will it be a happy reunion or will further mysteries emerge!? Listen carefully and you will learn the answer! Our next episode, number 128 sees us getting to speak with a very interesting guest - one who we've not spoken to in quite some time... Do join us, won't you?! Please email me at shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk if you have any comments - you can even send me a sound-file and I'll include it on the show. The music is by Shy Yeti and Luca. All content of this episode is Copyright Paul Chandler, 2017.  Episode 127 was recorded between 19th November and the 4th December 2017.

This episode can be downloaded on iTunes, Acast, Podbean and also from Soundcloud at the following link:

127: https://soundcloud.com/shyyeti/the-shy-life-podcast-127-checking-in-on-dusty

THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - 128: OOOH 'ECK, IT'S DEADIEGRAMS!!

Here we are for episode ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY EIGHT and it's time for us to catch up with a true Pride48 celebrity - and probably the only undead member of the team; yes - it's Deadiegrams!! Not only does she speak with Mr Yeti but the other regulars get to say hello too! All this and we also delve into the past with some of Paul's old filming pals, including scenes from Sutton Park in 1995 and a sketch from Beeches Broadcasting with Harry F from 2000. Also Yeti Uncle John and Ikk sing together!! Our next episode, number 129 sees us following Yeti Uncle John with an update on his recent attempts at being a tour guide! Do join us, won't you?! Special thanks to Tim from Tastes Like Burning for organising the interview with Deadiegrams and with much additional appreciation to all involved with the archive clips used during this episode. Please email me at shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk if you have any comments - you can even send me a sound-file and I'll include it on the show. The music is by Shy Yeti and Luca. All content of this episode is Copyright Paul Chandler, 2017.  Episode 128 was recorded between 15th November and the 7th December 2017.

This episode can be downloaded on iTunes, Acast, Podbean and also from Soundcloud at the following link:

128: https://soundcloud.com/shyyeti/the-shy-life-podcast-128-oooh-eck-its-deadiegrams




The previous photos are in-lays found on the original tapes of some of the recordings that Nick G has recently been digitizing for me - clips of which have appeared in recent episodes of the show...


At the end of this post - as I mentioned at the start - is the original script that was sent to Deadiegrams via Tim from the Tastes Like Burning podcast. In the draft that appears here the scene was actually just a day-dream, but I decided not to go with that idea and in the finished episode it is presumed that the whole scene has actually taken place as with any of the podcast guest interviews. I hope you enjoy it. I have written at least one more script for the show which is currently going into production - but I'll speak more about that in the new year when it is ready to be released.

Next time there will be more on podcasts and also I'll be telling you a little more about a recent visit to Radio Wey; talking of which I'm yet to release the previous visit that I made there back in October, but that one is due in the next couple of weeks...

That's all for now...

Take care - more soon,

Yeti hugs,

Paul (aka Shy Yeti) xx


THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - 

CATCHING UP WITH DEADIEGRAMS...

A GUIDE SCRIPT FOR TIM OF TASTES LIKE BURNING...

YETI: (a little sleepy)

Hello, listeners - I've just been having a bit of a day dream... Those of you who have listened to the show for a while will remember all the lovely guests that I've had on the podcast but there's one who I spoke to in... well, rather odd circumstances... You may remember her...

FLASHBACK TO DEADIEGRAMS PREVIOUS APPEARANCE AND THEN RETURN TO NOW...

Do you recall? She was quite a presence... Sometimes when I think about future shows I imagine what it would be like if we met again in better circumstances - you know, for a cosy chat... I think it would be lovely... (his voice begins to echo) lovely... LOVELY... L-O-V-E-L-Y...

WE NOW ENTER MR YETI'S IMAGINATION - WE ARE LISTENING TO SOME KIND OF EXTRA FANCY VERSION OF THE PODCAST - MR YETI IS MORE ANIMATED THAN USUAL...

YETI: (very jolly)

Heeeeeey! Listeners.... How are you?

THERE IS APPLAUSE...

Lovely!

DEADIEGRAMS: (rather less enthusiastic)

Hello, trollface...

YETI: (correcting her, politely)

Shy Yeti...

DEADIEGRAMS: (still quite dismissive)

Whatever... This sofa's a little tatty - but I don't suppose in matters when you're 100% audio...

YETI: (still taking her comments with good humour)

Ha! You're not wrong, Deadiegrams...

DEADIEGRAMS: (slightly more friendly)

Call me D-grams... My people are trying to get me to rebrand - to be honest I'm not sure there's much point! Afterall you can't teach a dead dog new tricks...

YETI: (awkwardly)

Well, it's lovely to have you here, Deadie - I mean, D-grams... You're looking well, considering...

DEADIEGRAMS: (doing her best to show interest)

Charmed, I'm sure... I see you got back from the other-side - not many people manage that...

YETI: (enthusiastically)

Oh well, I met a nice statue who pointed me in the right direction of the bus station...

DEADIEGRAMS:

You should come back in the spring when the new plants start to grow...

YETI:

Ahhh... Daffodils?

DEADIEGRAMS:

Venice fly-traps... Deadly nightshade... Giant man-eating succulents...

YETI: (surprised)

Oh! How... unconventional... You should open your own garden centre...

DEADIEGRAMS: (bemused)

Why EVER would I want to do that? I have oceans of agony to advise on...

YETI: (still attempting to remain upbeat)

Of course... Which is exactly what I wanted to ask you about... In your long career what is it about your job that you love the most?

DEADIEGRAMS: (with a chuckle)

Pay day, sweetie... That's what everybody says, surely...

YETI: (taken aback)

You get pay day? Even... now...

DEADIEGRAMS: (sounding quite impatient)

Why, of course - you don't think I do this job for free do you? Have you flipped?! No... I'm paid like anybody else... Sure, there's a little more ectoplasm on the notes than you'd normally find on the notes residing in your wallet - but I find it keeps the moths company...

YETI IS ABOUT TO ASK ANOTHER QUESTION WHEN THERE IS THE SOUND OF SUDDEN COUGHING AND YETI NOTICES THAT THEY ARE BEING OVERHEARD BY ONE OF HIS PODCAST REGULARS; YETI UNCLE JOHN. HOWEVER DEADIEGRAMS SEEMS QUITE TAKEN WITH HIS ARRIVAL...

(curious/positive) Well... Hello, dearie... Now WHO exactly are YOU!

YETI: (slightly less than enthusiastic)

Err... This is Yeti Uncle John... He's family...

DEADIEGRAMS: (confused)

I'm sorry, furface - is that a euphemism?

YETI: (snappily)

Err... No... Well, I'm not sure, actually - we don't really talk about stuff like that... I'm sorry, D-grams - I'll just find out what he wants... (turning away crossly) Yeti Uncle John! What do you want, exactly? I'm right in a middle of an interview with a very important guest...

JOHN: (grumpily)

Yes... Yes... We know that...

YETI: (mildly horrified)

WE!?!

JOHN: (irritated)

Yes! WE! US! The regulars! YOUR regulars - or had you forgotten us!?

YETI: (calming/playing vague/teasing)

Errr... Maybe slightly... You are kind of forgettable... (pause) I'm JOKING!

DEADIEGRAMS: (interrupting)

Oh, go on... Let them ask me questions... It could be fun... They might be cuter than you...

YETI: (lost for words)

I... I... I...

JOHN: (excitable)

See! She's keen! Let's chat, lady! It would be a pleasure! What's you're favourite flavour of ice cream?

DEADIEGRAMS: (leisurely, but like it's a positive thing)

Despair... with mainly just a hint of desperation...

JOHN: (enjoying the conversation)

Oooh... I think I know that taste... It's a bit rich for me - but I respect your choice there; pretty heavy duty! Okay... Next question - which do you prefer - being alive or being dead?

DEADIEGRAMS: (flamboyantly)

What a stupid question - being dead is far more fun... Of course it is!

JOHN: (curious)

Sure... I thought as much... But what are the best bits about being dead?

DEADIEGRAMS: (chuckles)

The long weekends...

JOHN: (sounding a little pleased with himself)

Cool... And my final question - which is your favourite Beatle?

DEADIEGRAMS:

Dung! Every time - no competition... I admire their work ethic... Is that it? (John mumbles in the affirmative) Well, good... (flirtily) Maybe I'll see you later for a little drinky...

JOHN: (nervously)

Oh... Err... I... Yes... Well, thank you, now... Oi, Ikk... It's your turn now...

IKK: (with enthusiasm)

Oooh! How exciting... Hello Deadiegrams - it's lovely to meet you...

DEADIEGRAMS: (surprised, an emotion she rarely experiences)

Wow! What the hell have you come as, sweetcheeks...

IKK: (pleased/excited)

Ha! I'm just here as myself...

DEADIEGRAMS: (relaxing)

Don't tell me... You're one of those alien-types, right?

IKK: (politely)

Yes, sir... Yes, sir, I am...

SHY YETI: (whispers)

Say yes, maam, Ikk - not sir...

DEADIEGRAMS: (laid back)

Sir, is just fine by me... I've always felt I had the authority of a sir...

IKK:

Absolutely, sir...

DEADIEGRAMS:

Go ahead little Martian fellow... What is your question?

IKK: (thinking about it very carefully before asking)

Where is the strangest place you have ever eaten Chinese food...

DEADIEGRAMS: (pondering)

Well, sweetcheeks - now that's a extremely good question!

IKK: (full of respect)

Thank you, your honour... So what would your answer be?

DEADIEGRAMS: (with certainty, having considered it)

Probably on the end of Blackpool Pier dressed in nothing more than a top hat and Christmas decorations - it was... oh... summer 1973 and I was mistaken for a glam rocker when actually I was simply on the way to a friend's wedding and had taken the wrong turning just off Spaghetti Junction...

IKK: (pleased)

That's a good answer, D-Grams... Was the food good or can't you remember?

DEADIEGRAMS: (enthusiastically)

It was absolutely fantabulous... The best I ever had...

IKK: (moving on)

Thank you... Cromitty is next if you're willing to answer another question or two...

DEADIEGRAMS: (encouraging)

Why, of COURSE!!! Do step up... Thank you for your question, Tricky Ikky... It brought back good memories...

IKK GIGGLES AND CROMITTY STEPS UP TO ASK THE NEXT QUESTION...

Ah now! You're a curious one... Cromitty, is it? C-R-O-M-I-T-T-Y...

CROMITTY: (respectful)

Yes, miss... Exactly that! Ever so pleased to meet you...

DEADIEGRAMS: (on the very edge of impatience)

And you have a question for me? What flavour question exactly?

CROMITTY: (sounding quite serious)

I have scientific leanings and so my queries are along those lines...

DEADIEGRAMS: (hurriedly)

Ask away...

CROMITTY:

What is your favourite Cuppa Soup?

DEADIEGRAMS: (calmly)

Regret... With extra croutons... And yours?

CROMITTY:

I am very partial to a mixture of belly button fluff and dust - inspired by recipes handed down in our family on my grandmother's side of the family.

DEADIEGRAMS: (not sounding too much like she means it)

Fascinating... You must share the recipe with me...

CROMITTY:

I will indeed... One more question if you've time...

DEADIEGRAMS:

Of course, honeylumps - as your first question was so brief...

CROMITTY:

What is your favourite variety of science?

DEADIEGRAMS:

Hmmm... That's a harder one... Maybe biology with just a smattering of chemistry... I can't be doing with Physics - so don't ask me... Afterall we all know that the world is flat and there is no such thing as gravity!

CROMITTY:

Why, of course... Thank you, dear lady... Dameus... Are you ready to ask your question?

DAMEUS: (trying not to sound too nervous)

I am... Very much so...

CROMITTY: (prompting)

Then ask away, good sir Twinklehorn...

DEADIEGRAMS: (curious)

Twinklehorn, you say? Not one of the Twinklehorn's of New Hampshire, by any chance?

DAMEUS:

Not myself, no - but I do have connections out that way, I believe...

DEADIEGRAMS: (almost affectionately)

How fascinating... I once had flirtations with a New Hampshire Twinklehorn - I daren't even guess how long ago now - but you definitely have the family nose...

DAMEUS:

So, I'm told, Madame... So I'm told...

DEADIEGRAMS:

So... What might your question be?

DAMEUS:

Well, I'm an actor you see - and I wondered whether you'd ever tried acting yourself at all?

DEADIEGRAMS: (with a chuckle)

Every day, darling... With my husband! Need I say any more?

DAMEUS: (embarrassed)

Oh! Golly! Good gracious! No! I get your point!

DEADIEGRAMS:

Still... Maybe I shouldn't be so harsh... He has been dead for 173 years...  But then I'm not far behind him and I'm absolutely fine...

DAMEUS:

Fine... Absolutely perfect... Errr... Yes... Good grief! What IS his problem?

DEADIEGRAMS: (growing distant / vague)

Believe me! I've contemplated that endlessly over the years... Hmm... The more I look at you - the more you remind me of him... (Dameus gives a little gasp!) Okay! Okay... There's nothing more to see here - do I have any more questions?

YETI:

It depends... Our Beargrrrian chum, Charlie Grrr is here... Do you answer questions about pies?

WE HEAR CHARLIE MUTTERING AND GRUMBLING ABOUT "PIES... PIES... PIES..." IN THE BACKGROUND, BUT DEADIEGRAMS DOES NOT SOUND TOO IMPRESSED...

DEADIEGRAMS: (making herself quite clear)

NO questions about pies... If I can't eat them then WE can't discuss them... The last pie I tried to eat turned out to be made of ectoplasm - and believe me - that's no fun at all! So? Are we done?

BETTINA: (urgently, out of breath)

Darling! Darling! One million kisses! One million and one kisses! Do you have time for just one more? So sorry, I'm late...

DEADIEGRAMS: (patiently)

I've never been known to say no to "just one more..." Go on dearie... What are you asking?

BETTINA: (over-the-top)

Most grateful... My name's Bettina Du Pres...

DEADIEGRAMS: (almost excited)

Darling! I know that! Everyone knows you - even the dead!

BETTINA:

Oh... Honey! So kind... I'm so flattered...

DEADIEGRAMS: (trying to hide some of her excitement)

How can I help!? I'm such a fan... How very exciting the meet you... Shh now... I'm not meant to enthuse so - but I'd be most grateful to answer your question - although I feel I should be asking you one!

BETTINA: (lowering her voice as she confesses)

Then do, darling! Please do... Actually... I need your advice on men... I'm a part-time, poorly used agony aunt and yet sometimes that is the one thing I need from other people; a listening ear!

DEADIEGRAMS: (with empathy)

Men! Oh... Aren't they just dreadful creatures - I can assure you they're no better behaved dead than they are alive!

BETTINA: (sad)

Why aren't I even surprised?

DEADIEGRAMS:

Still... I'm not sure I can offer you advice, but I can share my experiences - we can swap notes, I'm sure!

BETTINA: (impressed)

Delightful! That would be absolutely perfect!

AS THE TWO BEGIN TO CHATTER SHY YETI COMES BACK INTO THE FRAME (AS IT WERE) - HE SOUNDS A LITTLE GRUMPY!

YETI: (quite put out)

I can't believe it! I've been side-lined in my own day-dream... Well, I guess the only way to get around this is to stop daydreaming! That will shut them up...

DEADIEGRAMS: (teasing)

You wanna believe it, sweet-cheeks...

BETTINA: (non-plussed)

Oh, ignore him, darling - he's just jealous...

PAUL: (disgruntled)

WELL, REALLY!!

THE DAYDREAM ENDS AT THIS POINT AND WE RETURN TO OUR NEW YEAR EPISODE...

This script is either for our last episode of 2017 or our first episode of 2018 and was written between 13th September and 6th October 2017, with additional rewrites done between the 9th and the 24th of October 2017.


This post and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2017.