Saturday, September 08, 2018

IT MEANS NOTHING TO ME... (#FALSE NEWS!)

A WELCOME RETURN TO VIENNA!

Hello beasties!

This week I'll be telling you a little about my recent trip to Vienna - sharing a few stories and photos from the trip along the way...

First up let me tell you about our latest two podcast episodes - the first is one that we recorded earlier this year but which was postponed because other episodes shuffled in the way ahead of it...

THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - 191: YETI UNCLE JOHN'S LEAVING PARTY...

Here we are for episode 191 - in which Yeti Uncle John prepares for his new job in outer space - but some of the regulars are concerned by what lies in store for their old friend... There are also SUTTON PARK clips from 1994 - a short story and also some flashbacks from some of John's finest moments on the show. All this and number of our contributors call in to give their best wishes. Our next episode, number 192 sees us heading back onto Radio Wey - but Zap has plans to spoil all the fun. Do join us, won't you?! Please email me at shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk if you have any comments - you can even send me a sound-file and I'll include it on the show. The music is by Shy Yeti and Luca. Sound effects by Paul Chandler and Soundbible. All content of this episode is Copyright Paul Chandler, 2018. Episode 191 was recorded between the 18th and the 24th April 2018, with some additional recording on 1st September 2018.

This episode can be downloaded on iTunes, Acast, Podbean and also from Soundcloud at the following link:

191: https://soundcloud.com/shyyeti/the-shy-life-podcast-191-yeti-uncle-johns-leaving-party

By the way, the SUTTON PARK clip which appears in this edition comes from episodes 321 and 322 - which were made around March 1994. Additionally to this there are flashbacks to some of Yeti Uncle John's previous appearances - these clips came from episodes 43, 111, 128 and... erm... one other episode but I seem to have lost track as to which it was as these flashbacks were inserted quite randomly and at speed at the last minute, whilst editing! D'oh! You'll hear how much deeper John's voice was at the start - and also hear what happens when he and Ikk try to sing - meet a giant talking flower and get to ask questions of the legendary Deadiegrams.

Next up we head out on to local radio - but it soon appears that all is not expected to go smoothly...

THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - 192: LOOK INTO MY EYES... ON THE RADIO!

Here we are for episode 192 - in which Paul seeks hypnotic assistance from Cromitty to relax him before a big radio show - but Zap has plans to turn a night of poetry and prose into a night of complete disaster - LIVE on the airwaves!! Thank you very much to my guests Tim Mitchell and Nathan Jones for their part in this episode and thanks again to Radio Wey for inviting me on. Our next episode, number 193 is all about what happened when Paul and some of the team went to Marseilles earlier in the summer. Do join us, won't you?! Please email me at shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk if you have any comments - you can even send me a sound-file and I'll include it on the show. The music is by Shy Yeti and Luca. Sound effects by Paul Chandler and Soundbible. All content of this episode is Copyright Paul Chandler, 2018 - except for the stories that Nathan read; of which he owns the Copyright.  Episode 192 was recorded between the 26th June and the 28th July 2018.

This episode can be downloaded on iTunes, Acast, Podbean and also from Soundcloud at the following link:

192: https://soundcloud.com/shyyeti/the-shy-life-podcast-192-look-into-my-eyes-on-the-radio

Next up, I'd like to tell you about my recent trip to Vienna with Toby. I won't be doing a detailed diary this time; some of it will be covered in the podcast when that is released... On this occasion the background of Vienna is more linked to a little story that we'll be telling on the show - about Cromitty and an mysterious painting and Paul having forgotten a certain event from his previous trip to the city back in 2009. Although in real life I do remember my previous trip pretty well - but I did indeed travel there back nine years ago and there are photos from that trip in my old poetry collection, THE SHY LIFE; which is where the podcast got its name. Anyway... 

So... It was a nice trip... The journey went quickly and although out room wasn't quite what we were expecting - it was a bit of an odd "corner" room with very few windows, however it was also an apartment with a hob, sink, fridge, microwave etc; in the end it worked out pretty well. Being August the weather was pretty warm - although it had been warmer the week before - we did stay relatively local, although had planned to go further originally. We mostly explored local parks - museums - galleries and, of course - restaurants and although the museum quarter, near where we were staying, was very quiet when we arrived on the Sunday (including most of the corner shops being closed!) it was actually a really good area to be staying in. There was a nice breakfast for us in the morning - we tended to eat lunch but then in the evening we brought food back to the room to eat there - Toby and I are big fans of European supermarkets and I especially love to try different kinds of yoghurts... No... Honestly! I do... I could write a dissertation about it! Actually, no - I couldn't... I've never taken notes. I took quite a lot of photos and recorded plenty of background sounds for the podcast - although after what happened in Scotland back in July I left my new laptop at home. I probably didn't record as much as I sometimes have - but I'm afraid that you'll have to blame the heat for that.

Anyway, here are some photos - there will be more saved over for when I release the Vienna episode!


Our Vienna edition should be out sometime in the next couple of months, but probably not before episode 200 - so I'm hoping that it'll be available by late October or early November. Vienna is my last overseas trip of 2018 - I'll be heading back to Kent in November for my birthday - but as far as the podcast is concerned, not only do we have Vienna still to come - but I've also not yet released what I recorded in Marseilles back in May! Oh... And there's at least one more show that I recorded when I was in Kent back in April that I'll be releasing imminently - you can see more about that in a moment.

Next time we'll be talking about further episodes of the podcast and... well... I'm not entirely sure what else I'll be talking to you about. I should probably add that Nick and I recently recorded a new article about the 6th and final story of cult early 80s TV show, SAPPHIRE AND STEEL for Trowby and Lisa's ROUND THE ARCHIVES podcast; in fact it was just released as episode 25 at the following link...

Round The Archives - 25: https://soundcloud.com/user-868590968/round-the-archives-episode-25

There's chat about a lot of other shows - so if you're on the lookout for more podcasts then check it out! Anyway, that's all for now!

Take care - more soon - yeti hugs!!!

Paul (aka Shy Yeti) xx

SHY LIFE PODCAST SHOWS - COMING SOON!!

We're heading busily on through September now - but we've still got plenty of new episodes to present you with between now and New Year's Eve... Of course, we're also recording new shows along the way and so this list tends to change every time I post. Our next really big episode will our 200th edition which should be coming up by mid-October; we'll have a new theme tune for you then too! 

Anyway, here is our current schedule!

193. Wahey! Marseille!

Find out what Mr Yeti got up to whilst in Marseille back in late May 2018.

194. Live Pride48 Show - September 2018

We're live and on the air for our September show - with lots of extra material for the podcast version of the episode!

195. Return Of The Brompton Time Machine

This one has also brewing for quite some time - in fact I started work on it when we lasted visited Brompton Cemetery in early January 2017 and then recorded scenes with a number of guests throughout 2017; finally I'm ready to release it!

196. A Call-Back From A Far-Off Place

Flashback Episode. Paul falls for a trick which leads him to a far off place and meets an old nemesis... or two!

197. ...And Suddenly It Was 1988!

In which Paul and Nick discuss the music of 1988 in both the UK and US.

198. Long-Lost Cousin Algernon

Dameus interviews all manner of podcasting celebrities as part of his return to the chat-show circuit.

199. The Invasion Of The Shelving Imps

Paul shows the gang around the library during the college summer holidays - only to realise that the Shelving Imp problem may well be getting out of hand... Please Note: Depending quite when the live show falls during October - episode 199 may be our live edition for the month (which is technically our 200th show if you include the pilot!) In which case this episode about the shelving imps will probably appear as episode 201 or round-abouts.

200. The Murder Mystery Weekend

It's episode 200 and we celebrate with a very special murder mystery weekend!

### Additionally:

There will - most probably - be live shows every month; maybe even more than one closer to Christmas; but we also have plenty of other episodes either in planning or partially recorded.

### A Trip To Vienna

Paul takes Cromitty and Toby to Vienna to revisit old haunts, although Cromitty soon becomes concerned that something strange may have happened to Paul on his first visit, 9 years before.

### The Return Of Dameus The Interviewer

Dameus interviews all manner of podcasting celebrities as part of his return to the chat-show circuit.

### Re-connecting With The Past

Paul catches up with Cromitty and Martin and is excited to learn that Cuthbert has a few added advances that makes it possible to re-connect with the past via old episodes of SUTTON PARK... Ikk is slightly doubtful about it all - but he and Paul soon get to experience the process first-hand.

### Bettina and the robot butler

This episode sees Paul visiting Bettina only to find out that the house has recently become robotically automated; also Wifey Jo play a card game with Cuthbert.

### The Great Bingo Scam

Someone is rigging the bingo so that they win - is it one of the regulars or someone more sinister?

### More About The Alien Book

We learn a little more about The Alien Book which made Ikk so unwell at the start of the year - but, of course - things are never simple.

### Digging Into Unheard Of Places

Paul digs through the archives to find a few interesting conversations that never made it onto shows. This episode has been postponed due to recent technical difficulties and was replaced with another episode, but will be rescheduled during the autumn once more material has been set aside.

### The Halloween Episode 2018

Paul and the gang find that celebrating Halloween is harder than usual in 2018.

This post and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2018.

Saturday, August 25, 2018

MORE PODCASTS AND AN EXCITING SCRIPT PREVIEW...

NEW PODCASTS - AND AN EXCLUSIVE...

Hello beasties!

This week I'll be telling you about some of the new episodes of the podcast that have been recently released; not to mention sharing a script from a future episode that you haven't even heard yet...

First up, here are the podcast episodes...


THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - 188: THE YETI AND THE NARCISSIST!

Here we are for episode 188 - Paul catches up with his niece, Alena and they take a test to see how narcissistic they are... Not only do they discover that some of the questions are difficult to answer - but also, surprisingly - that it's not all about them!! Our next show, number 189 sees Mr Yeti heading onto the live stream on Pride48 - this time bringing with him a returning special guest! Do join us, won't you?! Please email me at shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk if you have any comments - you can even send me a sound-file and I'll include it. The music is by Shy Yeti and Luca. Sound effects by Paul Chandler. All content of this episode is Copyright Paul Chandler, 2018.  Episode 188 was recorded on the 7th of July 2018, with some additional family chatter from 8th July 2018.

This episode can be downloaded on iTunes, Acast, Podbean and also from Soundcloud at the following link:

188: https://soundcloud.com/shyyeti/the-shy-life-podcast-188-the-yeti-and-the-narcissist

Our next episode was our August LIVE Pride48 show which we did a day early - I had a special guest in the studio to help me out too!

THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - 189: LIVE PRIDE48 SHOW - AUGUST 2018

Here we are for episode 189 and we're live and on the air for our August show - with a special guest live in the studio and then a Skype chat with two other old friends; not to mention extra material! Our next show, number 190 sees Mr Yeti celebrating the Pride48 live event in New Orleans by doing his own little show in London Town.. Do join us, won't you?! Please email me at shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk if you have any comments - you can even send me a sound-file and I'll include it. The music is by Shy Yeti and Luca. Sound effects by Paul Chandler. All content of this episode is Copyright Paul Chandler, 2018.  Episode 189 was recorded on Saturday 18th August 2018, with extra material in the form of clips from Sutton Park from the mid-1990s.

This episode can be downloaded on iTunes, Acast, Podbean and also from Soundcloud at the following link:

189: https://soundcloud.com/shyyeti/the-shy-life-podcast-189-live-pride48-show-august-2018

Our 190th episode of the show gave us a chance to salute Pride48 during their New Orleans Summer Weekend - this edition was my way of taking part from way over the UKKK as Big Fatty calls it!

THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - 190: SHY YETI SALUTES PRIDE48!

Here we are for episode 190 - in which Shy Yeti and the gang salute Pride48 with help from Toppie Smellie! It all sounds like such a nice idea - and the show is full of special guests - but, of course, things also go wrong! Our next show, number 191 sees us throwing a leaving party of Yeti Uncle John before he heads up into space for his new job! Do join us, won't you?! Please email me at shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk if you have any comments - you can even send me a sound-file and I'll include it. The music is by Shy Yeti and Luca. Sound effects by Paul Chandler. All content of this episode is Copyright Paul Chandler, 2018.  Episode 190 was recorded between the 4th and the 6th August 2018, with an additional scene recorded on the 18th August 2018.

This episode can be downloaded on iTunes, Acast, Podbean and also from Soundcloud at the following link:

190: https://soundcloud.com/shyyeti/the-shy-life-podcast-190-shy-yeti-salutes-pride48

I should probably add that I now have a ko-fi.com page - which allows you to buy me a coffee in thanks for all my podcasting-ness. If you'd like to buy me a coffee then please do - it would be very kind of you. I promise to buy you one sometime too; honest I do - but only if you keep listening... hehe.

https://ko-fi.com/shyyeti

Before we get to our exciting script - here are some preview of forthcoming episodes...

SHY LIFE PODCAST SHOWS - COMING SOON!!

September arrives and the following episodes are those that we'll be presenting on THE SHY LIFE PODCAST over the next couple of months... We're also recording new shows along the way and so this list tends to change every time I post here. Big event episodes coming up include our tribute to the Pride48 New Orleans event in August and our very own episode 200 which should be coming up by mid-October; we'll have a new theme tune for you then too! Anyway, here is the current schedule!

191. Yeti Uncle John's Leaving Party

Yeti Uncle John prepares for his new job in outer space - but some of the regulars are concerned by what lies in store for their old friend...

192. Look Into My Eyes... On The Radio!?!

In which Paul seeks hypnotic help from Cromitty before heading onto the radio - but Zap has plans to turn his poetic plans into utter chaos - live over the airwaves!!

193. Wahey! Marseille!

Find out what Mr Yeti got up to whilst in Marseille back in late May 2018.

194. Return Of The Brompton Time Machine

This one has also brewing for quite some time - in fact I started work on it when we lasted visited Brompton Cemetery in early January 2017 and then recorded scenes with a number of guests throughout 2017; finally I'm ready to release it!

195. A Call-Back From A Far-Off Place

Flashback Episode. Paul falls for a trick which leads him to a far off place and meets an old nemesis... or two!

196. Live Pride48 Show - September 2018

We're live and on the air for our September show - with lots of extra material for the podcast version of the episode!

197. The Return Of Dameus The Interviewer

Dameus interviews all manner of podcasting celebrities as part of his return to the chat-show circuit.

198. ...And Suddenly It Was 1988!

In which Paul and Nick discuss the music of 1988 in both the UK and US.

199. The Invasion Of The Shelving Imps

Paul shows the gang around the library during the college summer holidays - only to realise that the Shelving Imp problem may well be getting out of hand...

200. The Murder Mystery Weekend

It's episode 200 and we celebrate with a very special murder mystery weekend!

### Additionally:

### A Trip To Vienna

Paul takes Cromitty and Toby to Vienna to revisit old haunts, although Cromitty soon becomes concerned that something strange may have happened to Paul on his first visit, 9 years before.

### Re-connecting With The Past

Paul catches up with Cromitty and Martin and is excited to learn that Cuthbert has a few added advances that makes it possible to re-connect with the past via old episodes of SUTTON PARK... Ikk is slightly doubtful about it all - but he and Paul soon get to experience the process first-hand.

### Bettina and the robot butler

This episode sees Paul visiting Bettina only to find out that the house has recently become robotically automated; also Wifey Jo play a card game with Cuthbert.

### The Great Bingo Scam

Someone is rigging the bingo so that they win - is it one of the regulars or someone more sinister?

### More About The Alien Book

We learn a little more about The Alien Book which made Ikk so unwell at the start of the year - but, of course - things are never simple.

### Digging Into Unheard Of Places

Paul digs through the archives to find a few interesting conversations that never made it onto shows. This episode has been postponed due to recent technical difficulties and was replaced with another episode, but will be rescheduled during the autumn once more material has been set aside.

### The Halloween Episode 2018

Paul and the gang find that celebrating Halloween is harder than usual in 2018.

Next time we'll be back from our Vienna trip with lots of stories and photos - and hopefully at least one new episode recorded whilst we're away...

Before we go I need to tell you about the script that we have to share with you... This really is an exclusive as it's from an episode that is yet to be edited and released. I won't tell you yet who is playing Long Lost Cousin Algernon - but his story sees the beginning of a podcast sub-plot that could run and run! Keep an ear out for the finished episode in the next couple of months.

That's all for now. Take care - more soon, Yeti hugs,

Paul (aka Shy Yeti) xx

SHY YETI AND LONG LOST COUSIN ALGERNON!!

This script was written between March and early July 2018 and is intended to be included as links for an episode of THE SHY LIFE PODCAST where Mr Yeti meets his long lost cousin Algernon. The rest of this episode will be ad-libbed around these scripted scenes/links for release later in 2018.

SCENE 1

To be played right at the start of the episode...

YETI: (embarrassed, speaking only to the listeners)

Hello listeners! I'm terribly excited today... You'll never guess what's happening - you really won't! It's okay - I'm going to tell you... (takes a deep breath, makes a slightly excited whimper) I'm about to meet a long-lost member of my yeti family! My long lost Cousin Algernon!! It's been a while coming... You may remember that I had a letter from him back a few months now; well - we've been emailing one another for a month or three and have been getting on very well... So now's time to finally connect. I was hoping that Yeti Uncle John would be able to join me, but I'm not sure if that's going to happen now - well, you know how busy he gets (add any relevant event specific to time of recording)... It's all terribly exciting - I can't help myself but keep talking about it to people... Have a listen to this, why don't you!?!

Of course John is being terribly sceptical - but the rest of the team are more positive...

AT THIS POINT PAUL TALKS WITH A NUMBER OF THE REGULARS - JOHN, CROMITTY, MARTIN, BETTINA, DAMEUS, ALBERT, CHARLIE GRRR ETC - BUT IT IS ALL AD-LIB...

There you go! At least not everyone is as negative as Yeti Uncle John - he was having a go at me because at some point I mistakenly called Algernon my Uncle, but it turns out he's my Cousin - John thinks it's suspicious, but I think he's just being extra grumpy. I mean, you know how complicated yeti families can be... So he's my cousin! My cousin... It's all been ironed out now! Well, kind of...

When I say that I'm about to MEET Long Lost Cousin Algernon this isn't strictly true - we're actually going to speak online, but I'm sure we will meet eventually - this is just the start... As I say - it's ever so exciting...

We hear the beep of a Skype call and then join the conversation a little way in...

YETI: (over-excitedly)

This is amazing! I can't believe that we've been able to connect like this... Isn't technology wonderful?

ALGERNON: (calmer, but pleased)

It is boy, it surely is... Although I do hope that one day soon we'll be able to meet in person...

YETI: (showing interest)

Sure... Where is it you're living at the moment? Philadelphia, is it?

ALGERNON: (somewhat vague)

Well, yes... Mostly... But I travel... I think it's in the blood - as I hear you're very keen on it too...

YETI: (enthusiastically)

What? Travelling? Oh yes... I love it! I've been all over Europe - but I'd love to come to Philadelphia... Maybe I could arrange a trip for next year... I've been to America on a number of occasions...

ALGERNON: (taking charge)

Yes... Yes... I'n sure that would be possible... Although what I think would be better would be if I came to you... I have a long history with London and I have some business to attend over there too...

YETI: (encouraging)

Really? Well, that would be marvellous... Just let me know when you're coming... Do you have a date?

ALGERNON: (suddenly becoming very vague)

Well, no... No... Not yet... It all depends on my funding...

YETI: (curious/nosey)

Oh yes? Funding from your work?

ALGERNON: (sounding quite mysterious)

Kind of, yes...But it's... well... it's a little unconventional... I mean, you might think it is - but it's actually pretty normal for people these days - especially when you're self-employed like me...

YETI: (trying not to probe too much)

Oh... Yes... Right... I don't think I have a clear picture of what you actually do... I wasn't sure if the travelling was for work or for play...

ALGERNON: (still vague)

A little of both, of course - but no... I have quite a lot of claws in a number of different pies...

YETI: (politely)

Oooh... That sounds awfully exciting...

ALGERNON: (sounding genuine)

I import bobble-hats for kittens - very rich kittens... That's one of the things I do... Woollen ones... Expensive wool... From very shy koala bears...

YETI: (slightly lost for words)

Oh... Gosh... Interesting... I imagine bobble hats like that must be really quite expensive...

ALGERNON: (in agreement)

Oh they are... They are... Very expensive... But, of course, it's only a small part of what I get up to...

YETI: (trying to remain casual)

Gosh... Well, you must tell me more... If you'd like to...

ALGERNON: (warming to the subject of talking about himself)

Well, when I'm not importing ever-so expensive bobble-hats for ever-so rich kittens I am also a party planner... That's where I make most of my money, to be honest...

YETI: (enthused)

Wow! A party planner - an INTERNATIONAL party planner from the sounds of it... What? Rich people call you up and say - come here and organise some kind of fancy shindig for me...

ALGERNON: (modestly/non-committal)

Something like that...

YETI: (very impressed)

WOW! Golly, you don't half live a show-biz jet-setting life, Cousin Algie... I can't wait to hear more!

ALGERNON: (thoughtful)

Yes... Yes... Well, as soon as I can get over there... I either need a party to come up that is going on in London or I need my next online fund-raising total to reach its target...

YETI: (surprised)

Oh... You can't afford just to travel outside of work?

ALGERNON: (vaguely)

Alas, no... Obviously I have loads of money for an emergency - but I'm afraid it's all tied up in shares and property at the moment... I really must show you some of the photos...

YETI: (surprised/excited)

You're building a house?

ALGERNON: (sounding quite smug)

Well... It's more of a hotel... A resort, let's say... Or it will be once it's done...

YETI:

Oh, wow... Will I be able to visit?

ALGERNON: (so generous!)

When it's done - yes, of course... You should come and bring all your podcasting friends...

YETI: (dreaming big dreams)

I will... Yes... I have friends in the States... Maybe we could even have our next podcasting conference in your hotel - when it opens...

ALGERNON: (business-like)

That would be terrific... But why not organise some kind of fanclub show for your podcast in London - get me to organise it for you and then we'll get to meet... I'd like to say just pay for the flight - but inevitably there would be expenses - my accountant gets mad with me for doing unpaid work; even when it is for relatives...

YETI: (modestly/playful)

Sure... Sure... Still... I'm not sure I have enough fans in the UK - or even in the whole world to fill up a conference hall... maybe a telephone box... Ha! Even then there'd still be room for a merchandising table or two...

ALGERNON: (supportively)

Hey, guy! Don't sell yourself short...

YETI: (sounding positive and full of ideas)

No... No... I'm not... I'm just being realistic... Still... I have an idea...

ALGERNON: (almost affectionately)

Hey! Look... I'm going to have to go now, furry-guy...

YETI: (hopeful)

Can we speak again soon? I want to have a word with the listeners and then I'll have a plan to share with you...

ALGERNON: (in agreement)

Fine... Yes... Sure... Good to talk to you; speak to you later...

YETI: (enthused)

Bye now... Great to talk to you... Hey... Algie... I was going to ask... (but the call drops) Oh! Oh... Well, never mind... Hey, listeners! I have an idea... I want to help my cousin... I really want to meet him and I can tell that he's a pretty proud kind of yeti - there's no way that he's going to accept me buying him a ticket... But if I can help by getting him over here as some kind of crowd-funding deal then I'm pretty sure that he'll be fine with that... I just have to think of something that I can do that people would be prepared to donate money to see... I'm going to come up with something and then I'll call him back... If you have any ideas do please let me know, won't you? Thanks listeners... Back in a bit... Moving on... Listen to something else and I'll speak to you in a bit...

SCENE 2

To be played in the middle of the episode...

YETI: (excitedly)

Hello, listeners! Well, things are happening... I emailed Cousin Algernon with all my ideas and he seems to love them... We're about to speak again - at any minute, in fact... I do hope that he likes what I've come up with... As I explained before - I'm not averse to a spot of fund-raising... (Skype begins to ring) Oooh... There he is... Hello Cousin Algie! How are you? It's lovely to chat with you again! What's the weather like? Is it rainy? I bet it isn't - it's America, right - I bet it's sunny... Really sunny - like probably too sunny - the sort of sun which makes you feel like you're beginning to melt... (rambling now) Hey! Do you think that can actually happen? Can it actually get that hot? I mean in America - because clearly it can be hotter enough like... in a volcano, say - or up on the sun...

ALGIE: (slightly awkward)

Errr... Yeah... It is kind of sunny, for sure... But just ordinary sunny - nothing too extreme...

YETI: (enthusiastically)

Oh, I am glad... Listen now! I have so many ideas to tell you about... Ideas for things that you could do to raise money for your journey over here...

ALGIE: (surprised)

Things that I could do?

YETI: (confused)

Err... Yes...

ALGIE: (selflessly)

You would be helping too, I take it... I mean... It might be difficult for me to do some of the fund-raising things alone, but; well, I guess if I must then I must...

YETI: (supportively)

Oh no... Sure... Sure! It's definitely something that I could do too if you wanted me to help...

ALGIE: (more at ease/friendly)

Hey! That's really helpful of you - much appreciated... Any chance of a coffee, by the way...

YETI: (muddled)

Errr... Yeah... I... Suppose... Is that possible... I mean, I don't mean to be stupid - but we're talking about Skype here... If I make you a coffee here then how do I get it to you? Fax?

ALGIE: (cheerfully)

Ha! No! You're about twenty years too late... It's all emails these days!

YETI: (playing along and trying to change the subject slightly)

Ah yes... Of course it is... But surely... No... No... Never mind... So how do you see all this charitable business working exactly?

ALGIE: (in charge)

Ah... Don't you worry... I have a list of things...

YETI: (curious)

Things that we could do?

ALGIE: (quite commandingly)

Well... Not exactly... Things that you could do specifically... I have plans of my own - I'm sure you have your own ideas too that we can consider - I know you said that you wanted to help. That's right, isn't it?

YETI:

Oh yes! Yes... Sure! So if I do stuff this side of the pond - then what is it that you'll be doing where you are...

ALGIE: (vaguely)

Ah... Hmm... Well, you don't really need to know that... Not at the moment, at least - I don't want to confuse you... You look like the kind of yeti that could be easily confused... Am I right?

YETI: (slightly unsure)

Oh yes... Yes, I guess so... So what are your ideas specifically for me? Nothing dangerous, I hope!

ALGIE: (vaguely mocking)

Dangerous!? Well... No... I mean my first suggestion was a sponsored walk - so as long as you don't select a route along The Great Wall of China or anything...

YETI: (with humour)

I doubt it... I really don't think I'd be up to that... I'm not sure the wall would be up to it either...

ALGIE: (bluntly)

You're not THAT fat, surely!?!

YETI: (slightly offended)

I never mentioned my size, Cousin Algernon... I think it's a fact that you can't walk from one end of the wall to another... It's not accessible... It's just not...

ALGIE: (quite business-like, almost dismissive)

Whatever you say... So... First up... A sponsored walk...

YETI: (mutters)

Within reason...

ALGIE: (misunderstanding)

In a reasonable location, yes... Right...

YETI: (trying not to be rude)

Alright... And? What else? It's all pretty standard stuff, so far...

ALGIE: (slightly lost for ideas)

Can you tap dance?

YETI: (not sounding sure)

I can try...

ALGIE: (warming to the suggestion)

On actual taps? On an actual sink? That might be fun...

YETI: (really not sounding keen)

As I said just now - I can try if it is so required...

ALGIE: (enthusiastic)

What about giraffe surfing?

YETI: (concerned)

Is that even legal?

ALGIE: (trying to sound like he actually knows something about the subject)

It is if you're prepared to gargle custard on the top deck of a London bus at the same time...

YETI: (playful)

What do YOU know of London buses, may I ask? I'm the Londoner - not you...

ALGIE: (snooty)

I'm only telling you what I read on the internet...

YETI: (chuckling)

Oh! Well, they'll put anything on the internet these days... There are videos of me reading poems in another country on the internet... Who'd have thunk it thirty years ago...

ALGIE: (bossy-sounding)

No-one probably... Right! Okay... Well, I've emailed you your instructions - so go check it out and get our plans in action; it should all come together pretty quickly if we get our act together...

YETI: (enthused again)

Come together? Really? Gosh... Right... Whatever you say... And what is that you're going to do again?

ALGIE: (hurriedly)

I will exist! It'll work! Just you see! Look... Got to go... Busy! Busy! Busy! (the call is broken)

YETI: (muttering to himself)

Oh! Really!? Gosh... What an odd sort of fellow he is... Now then... Let me see this email... Sorry, listeners - I've just got to look at this for a moment - sorry to keep you...

THIS WILL PROBABLY GO INTO AN AB-LIBBED SCENE WITH PAUL AND YETI UNCLE JOHN DISCUSSING THE BIZARRE CONTENTS OF THE EMAIL!!

SCENE 3

To be played towards the end of the episode...

YETI: (excitedly)

Hi listeners! I'm really quite tired today... I've spent the last few hours quite literally running around! I've done all manner of events for charity over the last week - raising money so Long Lost Cousin Algernon can come visit! The good news is that we've hit the target and I'm about to speak to him now to let him know that we've reached the goal and that he can finally come over and visit - we can finally meet! (There is the Skype noise in the background and Mr Yeti's voice brightens) That'll be him now! Hello! Hello!?! Cousin Algernon! Hello! It's me - your cousin, Shy Yeti... How are you?

ALGIE: (sounding distracted)

Oh... Yes... Yes... I'm fine... How are you doing? You said you had something to tell me...

YETI: (over-enthusiastic)

I've raised you the money, Cousin Algernon! We've done it!?

ALGIE: (keen, but not too over-the-top)

Marvellous! I knew I could... We could, sorry... Apologies...

YETI: (supportively)

No! No! If it hadn't have been for your ideas and encouragement...

ALGIE: (vaguely apologetic)

Good point! No... No... That's fair! I'm only sorry that I couldn't have done more myself; but you know how it is!

YETI: (hopeful)

Err... I guess so... Have you booked your tickets yet?

ALGIE: (distracted)

Booked my what?

YETI: (helpful)

Your tickets... To come to London...

ALGIE: (suddenly catching on)

Oh... No... No, not yet... I'll do it tonight, I promise...

YETI: (becoming overly perky)

Well, just let me know your dates and I'll get the time off - this is going to be so exciting and hopefully all my blisters from the sponsored events I undertook will be healed up by then...

ALGIE: (quick to get away)

I'm sure they will... Look - I've gotta go... I'll be in touch... Just wanted to let you know that I got the money and I'm looking forward to buying those plane tickets... Thanks again for all your help...

YETI:

Oh... No trouble at all... Hey... By the way... I've been working out an itinerary for your trip... I'll mail it over so you can let me know if you want to change or alter anything...

ALGIE:

Okay... Sounds great... Gotta go...

YETI:

Oh! Oh... Yes... Okay... See you soon, Cousin Algernon... See you soon...

The line falls dead...

BRIEF DIALOGUE 1

To be played after the end titles... Cousin Algernon leaves a message for Shy Yeti...

ALGIE: (upbeat)

Hi Yeti! It's me Cousin Algernon... How are you doing? Listen... Something's come up at work - things are a bit weird at the moment and I'm not exactly sure when I'm going to be able to get away to come over and visit you... Luckily I hadn't booked my tickets yet - but the money's there and safely banked - so as soon as I know when I can make this trip over to you then I'll be back in touch and I'll get something booked... Loved that itinerary thing that you emailed me - it all looks very good... Gotta go... Sorry about this... I'll call you again soon... Take care... Loving the podcast... You Brits... So silly,... Bye now!

The line falls dead...

BRIEF DIALOGUE 2

To be played after the end titles... Cousin Algernon leaves a message for an unknown caller - it might be Zap depending on when the episode is released - or it may be some other character; Other Dimensional Paul etc??

ALGIE: (more sly, somewhat suspicious)

Hey, it's me, Algernon... Yeah... Sure... Yes, I did what you said... No, I didn't speak to him - I just left a message... Yes... I was really upbeat... He'll never suspect a thing... Okay, yes... Yes, alright... I'll wait to hear from you... No... No... He has no idea... No idea at all... Come on, that Yeti is about as smart as a bag of rocks - it will never even occur to him... Okay... Okay, yes... Speak to you again soon... Goodbye now... Goodbye...

The line falls dead...

TO BE CONTINUED...

All contents of this post are copyright Paul Chandler, 2018.